Eleanor's Bitch, Moan and Groan Thread

Agreed. 20 years...too long. Time to be done with it. Well past time.
((((ER)))) Peace,just sweet peace. And I have been the lucky one, mine isn't around 24/7/365 or there would have been a body bag. Cannot tolerate the PD crap. One of us would have had to go...lol..gagh...my sense of humor is so flipping morbid. You are truly amazing. Just get out of the shit pit and Live. Life is so nice without the PD garbage in it . Christmas 2013...PD free.

Hope so...a nice peace ridden Xmas would be good. Last year was good too....he wasn't here. And the year before, shipped him off to his family to enjoy .  Learned my lesson about family Xmas's a few years back. Avoid at all costs.

Writing the crap out is good. Unfortunately it reads so polarized as I need to focus on it and suggest that others do same. As soon as I allow the soft side up it gets messy. I don't want to get hoovered because I am running weak thinking about all the positive traits of my stbx. As there are a great many. However, the bad outweighs the good. Emotional soul shredding carnage and  I am tired of walking the cracking edge of the abyss of my own sanity. 

I believe you, she is cracked...but his sexual abuse of you? That's 100% on his head. Child erotica? He is an adult. He knows what he does and did. Mine too...denial only works if we buy into it and make excuses for them. I refuse to do that. LOL...you know, it's almost like flipping the Black/ White / Splitting behavior back on him. Urgh.

When I read the PD apologists carrying on about how "they" are unaware? BS. They are aware, which is why they go to great lengths to hide their crap. How are they not unaware? They don't care who they hurt or how. Just wash my hands of the whole vile mess of it. Several years ago? I would have worked with him along side on it, IF he was willing. Not now. As a human being, I no longer care enough about him to do that. Sad and no longer my problem. Deselected himself from my existence.

Learned a great deal of crap which I hope to never run into again in my life. If I do? I am high tailing it so fast I will leave a vacuum in my wake. *poof* outta there.

Want to explore this with me ER?

Why is it that Child Porn, and not him raping you and physically abusing you[ beating/ punching/ shoving around ] can somehow be "over looked" basically raping you and guilting you into sexual situations that you were not exactly ever interested in? It's an icky question that tears at the sneaky activity of cognitive dissonance and the depth of the damage that that sort of denial sets a person up for. FOG and the whole ball of PD dysfunction coping mechanisms really work a number in the strangest ways. The verbal., emotional ,psychological , physical and sexual abuse.

From your perspective and your back ground, that child porn was a deal breaker does make sense to a strong degree. But why not all the other stuff ?


Yep. It's the idiotic lying. The bullshit excuses . The complete lack of awareness that makes me want to puke. After your post and I went and checked, and found the evidence, the blood ran out of me. Stunned. Just stunned....and kept my mouth shut. Complete revulsion towards him. Later when I confronted him, the pure idiocy of his Lies were something beyond utterly banal moronic stupidity. Which was cannon fodder for me, And when he was spewing them, I had to go. Couple hours later, he comes over to me with another excuse and I calmly looked up from my work and told him, "It's not only the stupidity of your Lies and your actions to cover your ass, but that you actually think that I will believe you. You must really think that I am that stupid after all these years? Really?" And then he starts hammering about me invading his "privacy" ....uh huh, true, with cause. And the evidence pops up every time. So, in fact he was not to be trusted at all, and my invasion proved that to be correct. And I remain in the wrong. Well, guess what? I can live with that.

The r/s is not over only over the fucked up erotica, it's over for a whole plethora of reasons, also none of which should ever be tolerated in a r/s. Being out of the FOG and without children? It's much easier to hold onto clarity. And ask yourself: " Is that love?"" How to love someone who chooses to act like that and treat you in such a vile manner? "  " What is a person in "love" with in their partner when these sorts of things are occurring on a regular basis?"

You know what hurts? Is feeling the pain of the complete rejection from him by me. It settled into his bones in a cold manner. Felt it as  I told him. I feel his emotions like they are mine, it's like a wave he projects outwards, one time, it was a dumb argument, they are always dumb, nothing ever needs to get to the level of a fight that a PD wants to take stupid things, and I wanted out of the house, he was blocking the door. And I walked towards him, and told him, " Even when I am angry, I still love you, now just let me out, I want to cool off." Basically I was trying to "walk away" which he would not ever allow. "Walk away" doesn't work with a BPD/ ASPD I don't know what for the alphabet PD soup. But, the hatred coming off him was palpable. But it stalled him. If I took the blame for the angry emotions? It was AOK. *sigh* ....never will figure this stuff out, but doesn't matter anymore. I cannot care anymore. A person who treats another in the manner in which my stbx has treated me? Is not someone I want in my circle of life. I don't like fighting, but I will when  it's necessary.

You are not the lamb to be  slaughtered on the altar of his dysfunction. That is his problem to own, not yours. The law will protect others or they will protect themselves.

The shame is not yours to own. Never was, also from when you were little. It is not selfish to protect yourself from abuse. And abuse? Is not forgivable. Not from someone who claims to love you. If they love you, they don't abuse you.

Precisely. He is gratifying himself at the expense of a child's pain. It's not "just" a picture, it's the real thing frozen in time of the sexual abuse of a child. It's not forgivable nor it is to be "understood" or what the hell for explanations/denials/ twisted thinking they can cook up. It's plain old sick.

Here's the now 4 page novella I promised...

In the last few months as I have read and learned about BPD I have analyzed the last 2 decades with my H and I have come to realize that he has serious sexual issues.

When we started dating he insisted on taking me to an adult shop to buy "toys". I never had any need for them with other men nor did I need them just for myself but he insisted that we have them. After we moved in together I found out the real reason he wanted the toys, for me to use on him. I was not comfortable with that but I went along to please him and even 20 years later it still grosses me out.
After Thanksgiving of that year I had an argument with my step-dad and moved out of my parents’ house then H dropped a huge, painful bomb on me and told me that my family had been telling him things about me like I cheat on everyone I date, that I'm a whore, that I am lazy and worthless etc. I moved in with H and a few weeks after he started with the threesome crap and telling me that I needed a girlfriend. I am not now nor have I ever been bisexual and I refused but he still hinted at it every time we had sex as well as wanting me to call out the names of other men that he knew. He would also talk about how he wanted to have sex with men and would fantasize about it while we were having sex.
A month after we married he hit me the first time. I honestly thought it was my fault although I couldn't figure out what I had done so wrong and he of course wouldn't tell me. I had no family, no friends, no job, no vehicle and nowhere to run to except a shelter and I was dead set against that. He threatened to kick me out on the streets with nothing but the clothes on my back although everything in our apartment was mine and I had brought it with me when we moved in together. I begged him not to kick me out, I begged him to love me, I begged him not to divorce me and I even acknowledged that I deserved to be hit just so he would calm down and not kick me out. His control over me only got worse from there and the rules were a laundry list of things I was never allowed to do without his permission. I would sit for 14+ hours a day staring at the walls because I was not allowed to leave the house, talk on the phone, watch TV or play a game, nothing. If it could potentially cause a noise or if it meant that I would be gone when he woke up I was not allowed to do it so, I sat as quiet as a church mouse and waited for him to wake up so I could finally breathe but then I knew once he was awake the rages and the beatings would start.
I was truly damned but I accepted it because his mother had convinced me that he needed help and how NO ONE had ever tried to help him before except her and that I was the only one he had ever physically abused and she just didn't know what that was all about. She fed me horror stories about how his first wife had been a whore, a piss poor mother and had screwed every man under the sun and how his second wife was just evil and used him. Also, according to her, because I had been married 3 times before I obviously had commitment issues and that I would always run at the first hint of trouble. Let me just clarify that my first husband cheated on me, refused to work and his family physically abused me because I did not conform to their beliefs, my second husband was a 24 year old virgin, still living with his parents and had never dated when we met and had never cut the umbilical cord from his mother. He was also extremely stupid so when MY mother told him that I had to be physically restrained when I became upset or angry he attempted it...once...by throwing me across the hood of my car and then grabbing me in a bear hug from behind...what I did to him…he will never attempt to do that again to anyone, I can promise you that and then my third husband cheated on me. When I met this one he was the exact opposite of any man I had met, dated or married before and that is why I thought I had FINALLY met the man I deserve. What a fucking idiot was I?

A year after we were married he got worse about the threesome thing and one time a friend of his had come over and my H begged me to take him into the bedroom and fuck him so he could stand outside and peek in through the bedroom window and watch. I refused and never did it and shortly after is when he took me to the club on the pretense of listening to a friend of his who was playing there but the truth was that he got me drunk and pretty much shamed me into a threesome with that guy. I was so sick and hysterical immediately after that he had to take me home but it did not matter how ashamed or disgusted it made me feel so long as he was happy. When he reacted positively to the situation I thought "Okay, this is what he wants and if I don't go along he will leave me and then I'll have no one in the world at all". I had already walked away from my family for the 2nd and last time by then and so I gave in to his sexual whims. The following 15 years were a blur of sex and feelings of self-loathing for me and I have since lost count of the number of encounters we had. I won't lie, there was a time that I went along willingly because I found myself (as strange as this will sound) being treated like I mattered to someone. Some of my male partners were incredibly tender and affectionate which is something I have never gotten from anyone sexually.

Even when we were traveling (I was a traveling nurse) he had us hooking up with ppl everywhere we went. There were MANY times that we ended up in one night stands, for instance, he had struck up a conversation with a man at one of the hotels we were living in while we traveled and the next thing I knew he had brought him to our room for sex. It has always made me feel like a whore and I looked at my H like a pimp. He would even joke with me and some of the guys that they had to pay to have sex with me!! I say joked because that’s how it sounded and that’s how the men took it but I KNOW he was serious and was trying to figure out how to do it without getting in trouble. He has even said it to me in private and the way he said it I know he was just waiting for me to say okay. Just because I went along with his sick fetishes and I feel like a whore does not mean I am one or would ever consent to being one!!!
Then there was the incident when we traveled to California that I NEVER thought was true but now I have to admit that it most likely is true. One night he and I were sitting on our sofa watching TV, we had the windows of our apartment open because it was nice outside. I saw 2 figures walk down the sidewalk past our apartment with flashlights so I said something to my H about it. He got up and looked out the window and they were standing just outside of our neighbor’s apartment (we lived in a quadruplex). He asked them what was going on and they said they would be back to talk to us in a minute so a few minutes later they knocked on the door and it was 2 police officers. Long story short someone had called in about a peeping tom from the night before and they were interviewing everyone in the immediate area and they had decided that my H was the peeper. It was not a good night and I was hysterical with fear because I could not understand why they were accusing him of something he obviously never did. It caused me to have to break my contract and we had to leave California to keep him out of jail. Now, I honestly believe he DID do it because the two windows that got peeped into turned out to be a 12 year old little girl and a woman around the corner. If I had only known then what I know now then I would have let them arrest him and I would have hauled ass out of California without him. I have recently accused him of doing it and lying about it because of the crap on his pc but just like that stuff he denies he peeped in those windows. I do not believe him and I never will again.
It’s been in the last 4 years that it all finally started getting to me and then of course when I decided that God was not my enemy and I chose to turn myself over to him once and for all it had to stop and stop now! My H kept at me and kept at me but I held my ground and then after I found the child porn the first time I flat told him that I will NEVER do that shit again because it makes me feel disgusting and filthy and it makes me hate myself. He shut up for a while but he kept talking about how much he missed all of our "playmates" and how we could go to the club and just "play" with one or two. I continued to stand my ground and never once backed down. When I found the child porn on his pc AGAIN 2 years later that was the straw that broke the camel's back and I told him he had better NEVER mention that shit to me again. That I was never going do that again and if he chose to do it that he could be my guest but he had better find another place to live. A week later I found that he had been looking at the child porn for the 3rd time and that's when I contacted the police. A week later I brought the hammer down on him and I brought it down hard. For a while I thought he was going to die from pure fear because that's the day I told him everything had been turned over to the police.

He has been kissing my ass all week and then tonight he got a pissy attitude. I told him that I did not give a shit who or what he was mad at but that he was NOT going to take it out on me. In addition to that I told him that he WILL be taking the trash off on Monday morning or else I will take it myself because he has let the trash sit for 6 months at a time with maggots, flies and other insects breeding in it. Then I crawled his ass about his stupid drag car. He can blow every fucking penny we have on that fucking thing but we can’t pay the light bill, cable bill, keep gas in the truck, get insurance on the vehicles, pay the rent and so on. I told him he needs to sell the fucking thing and when he refused I said “Unless the damn thing is earning you a paycheck you need to get rid of it because it’s a money pit and you need to get your fucking priorities in order.

He went outside shortly after that and then left a while later.

Reading back over all of this makes me feel so stupid but a PD is so insidious that you really have no idea what’s happening UNTIL you sit down and really think it through. You know it doesn't feel right but you can always reason it away or justify it as you’re just being overly sensitive or uptight. I mean come on, I experimented as a teen and a young 20 something and I did things I had no business doing when I was married before but then I grew up and although I was no prude there were just some things that were off limits for me no matter what. He crashed through those boundaries like they never existed and I was too vulnerable to resist him for very long. It was so hard to tell him no because I loved him deeply and he was like a heart-broken little boy who just needed someone who loved him enough to make up for all that he had been through and I was just the sucker to attempt it. I was stupid too because I had made a promise to myself and God that I was going to make this marriage work even if it killed me and when I make a promise I do everything I can to keep it. I’m not so keen on dying anymore and so now I have to break my promise.

Well, that’s my sob story and some of the reasons I am where I am now. All I can do is to arm myself with the knowledge I now have and move forward one step at a time to a better life. Whatever and wherever that may be.

Love you too Mea and I hate telling my story because one I don't want to upset ppl and two because it just seems like I'm playing a victim. I tell it because I want ppl to understand why I have made the choices I have and to understand who I am as a result of the shit I have lived. I can't wait for it all to be over because I never intend to look back. I keep wondering if I ever meet someone I may want to be romantically involved with should I tell them anything at all or just keep it all to myself. I'm afraid it is like an infection that refuses to be treated. I'm also concerned that because of all the shit that I have way too much emotional baggage and will be doomed to live the rest of my life alone because I am now so gun shy. UGH! The gift that just keeps on giving!

That is my only hope...