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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Sept 16, 2013 14:40:26 GMT
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!!! FAT OLD DUDES IN THONGS!!!EYE BLEACH EYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEACH!!!!
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Post by Elementum on Sept 16, 2013 14:42:38 GMT
Yep...count yourself fortunate...I refrained from posting a picture. It does slaughter the eyeballz. Why is it the guys with great butts wearthe baggy swim trunks, and the guys that really ought not to wear speedos feel the need to ....share the view?
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Sept 16, 2013 14:45:20 GMT
Oh God I do not know but I really wish they would buy a mirror or two and put them in their homes. You know anyone who walks out of their house looking like a train wreck cannot possibly own a mirror!
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Sept 16, 2013 19:28:02 GMT
He's always got to ruin my good mood. How does he do it? He insists on breathing and then being in the same country with me!!! Fucker.
But seriously, who the fuck died and left these idiots in charge? He says to me when he got up "don't drink that last sprite" I said "I told you to get me more soda" to which he replied "you don't need soda it's bad for you" um excuse me?! You're telling me soda is bad for ME but yet you're telling me NOT to drink YOUR last soda!! I told him again that he needs to get me some soda and he just repeated what he said before and I blew up. I told him that he doesn't choose for me, he doesn't get to tell me what I can or cannot do and he damn sure ain't my fucking daddy! Of course this puts me in a foul mood and now every time I snap at him he asks why I'm so pissed off. I finally just said "It's you, I can't fucking stand you anymore!!" I want to put the tv on a different stand but he SCREAMS AT ME that he has as much say so about how the house is arranged as I do and he says the tv is NOT going on a different stand. I told him to scream at me one more fucking time and that I am going to put the fucking tv on whatever stand I want to. We said a few more things and it finally ended with me screaming at him that he can have all the fucking say so when I leave but until then I want the house to be comfortable and at least decent looking. Now he's pouting. I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo fucking over his bullshit!!  |
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Post by Elementum on Sept 17, 2013 14:49:12 GMT
First off...Awesome Smilies!!! They rock!!! Second, your anger levels are through the roof ER. Given all the you have put up with for 19 years? Me knows you more than have the right to your anger. That being said, it's toxic levels. What can you do to get away from it?...walk it off, chill out somehow. I know his existence irritates you and when I put myself in your shoes, I would not be any different, but this will slowly eat you alive.  Until you EJECT you are stuck in the  Need to find a way to bring a sliver of calm into your existence. Can you leave the house? If you are blowing back at him over soda? I think the truck keys should be in the palm of your hand for a nice long drive and if he gets in your face about it, a call to the cops will set his ass straight. He cannot imprison you. |
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Sept 17, 2013 15:07:25 GMT
Thanks, I happened across the smilies a few months ago. They give me a chuckle.
As for my blow up yesterday...it's not about the soda, it's not about the damn tv stand it's simply the fact of his belief that he has the right to tell me what I can or can't do, will or won't do, can or can't have, should or shouldn't feel etc and that I should DO AS HE SAYS NOT AS HE DOES that just royally fucking pisses me off to the point of wanting to commit murder!!!
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Post by Elementum on Sept 17, 2013 15:36:07 GMT
Yep...it's the King Shit template. Know what you mean. I did kind of call stbx out on that in those terms as well. Of course he denied it, but that's par for the course. Doesn't change the reality.
He has the right to shut his trap and learn to respect you as a separate being and not an extension of his entitled PD'd self.
He can tell it to the beer can doll you lay in the bed when you leave. See how far it gets him.
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Sept 17, 2013 17:59:52 GMT
IF he's lucky I'll give him a damn doll to replace me LOL. I got caught on the phone with his mom so that's why I didn't respond til now. She is so friggin clueless at times if it wasn't so sad I would laugh. Talk about being hoovered SHE is the master!!  |
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Post by Elementum on Sept 17, 2013 18:30:10 GMT
You mean his mother doing the hoovering for him? Pulling on the old heart strings to take care of her little cretin? Does she know about his pedo erotica?
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Sept 17, 2013 19:16:12 GMT
Oh honey you have NO idea!
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Sept 17, 2013 19:28:36 GMT
A typical conversation goes something like this... Ellie, you have no idea how you saved my son. I just don't know where he would be if he had never met you, probably dead. You have stuck by him through the pits of hell and you just don't know how much I love and appreciate you for that. His grandmother and I used to say that he had met his match with you because you have a way with him that no one else has and whether you know it or not you have all the power in the relationship. I don't know what would happen to him if you ever left. He wouldn't be able to find his ass with both hands and a map, he would just be so lost without you! I know he can be a real asshole but he really does loves you, when you guys had that fight 6 months ago he came to my house and he looked so devastated. He looked like he had lost his best friend and he kept saying that you were getting divorced. He looked so bad even his nephew commented about how bad he looked and how it almost made him cry just looking at him......cry me a river..... 
Then today I'm trying to explain to her that HE has the responsibility to get better and she agrees TO A POINT because she wants to know if he really understands that there is something wrong. Is he even aware he has a problem? I told her that he IS aware because his famous comment is "I know I'm a fucking asshole and I like it". She wants to know what causes PD's because he wasn't born that way and never acted the way he does until he turned 12. I said "Yes he was born that way, ALL PD's are born with their mental illness. How else would it manifest if they weren't born that way? You say he was fine until he was 12 so maybe puberty triggered it or something else like an emotional trauma at that age." She swears that he should have shown signs of PD looooooooooooooooooong before he turned 12 and he NEVER had any behavior issues before that and as for emotional trauma she swears his dad abandoning him at age 4 would have triggered the PD...had this same conversation for almost 20 years...  I told her today that I'm done. I'm sick of his excuses, I'm sick of his fucking attitude and I'm not tolerating it anymore. He went to her house whining about how I said I was leaving him last night so she of course had to root around until I told her WHY I said it. I don't give a fuck what she thinks I should or should not do! IT'S NOT HER FUCKING MARRIAGE!!!!!!!!! SHE DOESN'T LIVE WITH HER DEVIL SPAWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE KNOWS DAMN WELL WHAT HE HAS DONE TO ME AND SAID TO ME AND HOW HE HAS TREATED ME BECAUSE SHE HAS WITNESSED IT A MILLION TIMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT PART OF I'M NOT FUCKING TAKING HIS SHIT ANYMORE IS TRIPPING HER UP?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!! SHE CAN LOCK HER DOORS, REFUSE TO ANSWER THE PHONE, SHE HAS 3 FUCKING BODYGUARDS, SHE CAN ESCAPE...WHAT ABOUT ME?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!! WHY DO I HAVE TO TAKE HIS ABUSE?!?!?!?!?! ANSWER ME THAT YOU FUCKING BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  |
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Post by Elementum on Sept 18, 2013 2:07:20 GMT
Being deliberately hurtful and aware of it? Nice. No thanks. Same with stbx. Aware and unwilling to do the work to change. To be decent to the other. Too much effort. It's a nasty vile pattern of behavior the permeates every aspect of the r/s in so many forms, that it makes no sense.  There is no getting through to them, because they love the "control" the "power over" which your H exerts over you with the threat of violence and controlling your movements. 19 years of that garbage and add the sexual abuse on top? That you are sane is a wonder. You know that? Take a look at C PTSD for yourself ER. See if any of that may ring a bell. The soda incident, was a small thing, but the rage it triggered in you? That is stemming from the years of garbage bottled up. Soon  Keep your eye on the prize = Freedom. Easier for me to say that. My stbx is NOT around or quite frankly? I would go ape shit as well. Can't tolerate the PD garbage anymore. My shields and patience wore out for that a long time ago.  Not being able to tolerate it, is a good sign though. It's the beauty of boundaries in reverse. When you clean up your side of the street, no more G= guilt. You know what you are doing and have done and what has or has not changed the dynamic. It also high lights how little of a r/s you actually have with your partner. When you are no longer enmeshed in his bs and running around like crazy putting out stupid fires....what is there? Lousy sex? There is no excuse for abuse.  <------Like that is ok though.
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Sept 18, 2013 13:23:40 GMT
I'm done with them both. What's so sad is if his mother and I don't talk about him and all of his issues or her and her issues we have nothing to talk about at all. It used to be that she and I could talk for hours on the phone or face to face but now? No, not after she attacked me verbally 2 1/2 years ago and said the most hurtful and vile things to me and then attacked me physically a year ago just because I disagreed with her I just have nothing else to say. It has been in all these years that I have had to tiptoe around most subjects with her because otherwise she gets downright hateful and from experience I know she will physically attack.
I have been so fucking stupid all of my life. I was so desperate to be loved and accepted that I have bounced from one codependent r/s to another without even so much as catching my breath. I have never set boundaries for myself because it would mean I had to stand against those I so desperately wanted to be loved and accepted by. I tolerated whatever they dished out because of that need to be loved and accepted. I blame my parents for creating that in me and sadly I am the one who has to repair the damage. I regret that it has taken me this damn long to understand it. I have never taken shit from a stranger but those who represent family to me are the ones that I have always allowed to bully me and control me.
I am setting boundaries now and it is causing the controllers and abusers in my life a lot of pain. They know they are losing control of me and they hate it. I cannot believe for almost 44 years I allowed people to control me the way I have. It makes me sick. As of September 13, 2013 I'm cured. My breakthrough over guilt has set me free along with all of the things I have learned in the last 6 months. I still struggle with my excessive altruism but I have gotten it mostly under control. I still catch myself volunteering to "fix" things for people but the good news is I catch myself BEFORE I actually say it now.
I have to get away from here asap. I can't take this anymore and the pressure is getting to me. I know if I can't find a way to get free there will come a huge blowup and ppl are going to get hurt and go to jail. I don't want that, I'm not about hurting ppl, I'm not about creating drama I just want to be able to go on my terms and in peace. I have the issue of my pets to deal with because I will not leave them behind but unfortunately there is no shelter here that will take my pets so I stay. I could with a very heavy heart turn my dogs over to the Humane Society and just take my cats. At least there I know they would not be killed but I feel horrible for turning them over to a place that they will not be loved and pampered like home. I think trying to leave with pets is the hardest because people will accept human children but they will not accept pet children. I have no children of my own so my pets are my babies. I wish ppl could understand that bond.
Until I can figure it all out I stay so my babies can be with me and I with them. I hold in my feelings and then come here to rant and commune with ppl who share my situation. If I can just get into school next month I will have an out. I'm trying to hold it all together until then but until that happens I hope everyone can understand where I'm at and just accept me as I am if they cannot then at least just leave me be and let me rant. That's why I created this one thread to come to so I'm not bothering anyone else with my issues. No on is obligated to read or respond it just helps me to get stuff off my chest and when I read back through it things become a LOT clearer for me. I'm doing what I can to heal myself.
OH! And to answer your question about if his mother knows about his pedo porn fetish. I told her 3 months ago so yes, she knows about it.
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Post by Elementum on Sept 18, 2013 15:10:26 GMT
MIL = bonafide nutter. No, you haven't been stupid. Negative self talk is not allowed! It's not helpful. You were set up from the get go. A little girl that had her boundaries smashed into oblivion. She never had the chance to know she had a right to boundaries. That is the vicious Catch22 of the situation you grew up in.  When your boundaries are intact in a relationship you: Have clear preferences and act upon them Recognize when you are happy/unhappy Acknowledge moods and circumstances around you while remaining centered (live actively) Do more when that gets results Trust your own intuition while being open to other's opinions Live optimistically while co-working on change Are only satisfied if you are thriving Are encouraged by sincere, ongoing change for the better Have excited interest in self-enhancing hobbies and projects Have a personal standard, albeit flexible, that applies to everyone and asks for accountability Appreciate feedback and can distinguish it from attempts to manipulate Relate only to partners with whom mutual love is possible Are strongly affected by your partner's behavior and take it as information Integrate sex so that you can enjoy it but never at the cost of your integrity See your partner as stimulating your excitement Let yourself feel anger, say "ouch" and embark upon a program of change Act out of agreement and negotiation Only do favors you choose to do (you can say no) Honor intuitions and distinguish them from wishes Insist others' boundaries be as safe as your own Mostly feel secure and clear Are always aware of choices Are living a life that mostly approximates what you always wanted for yourself Decide how, to what extent, and how long you will be committed Protect your private matters without having to lie or be surreptitious
Healthy Relationship BoundariesBeing aware of our own foibles is much harder than it seems isn't it? I like the analogy of looking in the mirror first before I point the finger of blame. I still piss people off with that as well....FACTS. I like facts and cold hard evidence. This is not a statement of "blame" but one of owning the reasons behind why we stayed. Understanding the back ground noise is also part of cutting free of the shizz. I know the problem...I leave, they die. Not an option. You are not ever bothering anyone ever!!!  You have a plan and you are working on it. Takes time. I know that. People yelling "LEAVE" ...isn't very helpful, you already bloody well know that. Getting set to leave and land on your feet running so that you don't back slide is a key component to staying out of the shit pit. I got so sick of hearing 'Leave' ...because fucking brilliant!!! I need to pay rent , find a place, house my animals , physically Move in safety. PLAN of Action...reality. Not this magikal thinking bs where you read of women being forced back into living with the abuser because they were financially annihilated. Nut case...what'd she say? You're still his "savior." |
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Sept 18, 2013 20:06:53 GMT
So the monster-in-law calls, we talk for several hours, we agree on nothing, we get on the subject of her son's feelings toward me and how deep down in his core he's a good person so I asked her, why do I have to accept his abuse? I did nothing wrong, I stay to myself, I don't ask him for shit and I really don't want anything to do with him. She says she knows he can be an asshole but what matters is that he is basically deep down a good guy(her words). I say to her that he chooses NOT to allow that person out and she agreed with me and then I said to her that I don't go out of my way to make life miserable for him but he damn sure goes out of his way to make mine that way and how that fight they all had a few weeks ago became all my fault and he came home SCREAMING and RAGING at me when I had nothing to do with any of it and wasn't even there!! She had no explanation for that. THEN she brings up a conversation she had with her 21 year old grandson about porn. She's telling me that she asked him what it is that draws guys to it and he says masturbation cause what else is it good for? She tells him how she sees nothing wrong with porn and how every normal person male or female masturbates and that she doesn't understand why some people make a big deal out of it and brand those who look at porn as sexual deviants or sexual predators. Of course she's opened Pandora's box as far as I'm concerned because I say to her, oh it's okay to look at porn when it's a 5 year old girl or an 8 year old or 11 year old and jack off to it like your son does? She says to me, "I thought you said it was child erotica".........LIKE THAT MAKES IT OKAY?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!! I told her that what I found THIS TIME was child erotica and it was little girls age abt 8-11 years old but what I found 2 years ago was pure out child pornography and little girls ages 4 or 5 years old!!!! She denied that I ever told her that they were that young so I told her that I did indeed tell her the ages of the CHILDREN involved so what does she do? She totally changed the fucking subject!!!!! last night she accused me of searching for someone to pay for the abuse I suffered from my father. What she is hinting at is that I am somehow punishing her son for my father's actions. She said that I have had that attitude for the almost 20 years she has known me but every time she brings it up I deny it. I KNOW WHO FUCKING RAPED ME BITCH!!! I KNOW WHO IS RESPONSIBLE AND WHO IS NOT!! DO NOT INSULT MY FUCKING INTELLIGENCE YOU CUNT!!!! I AM NOT THE ONE WHO HIT YOUR WORTHLESS SON A MONTH AFTER WE WERE MARRIED, I AM NOT THE ONE WHO HAS CHEATED, I AM NOT THE ONE WHO HAS LIED ABOUT EVERYTHING, I AM NOT THE ONE WHO TRIES TO CONTROL EVERY FUCKING THING HE DOES RIGHT DOWN TO THE BREATH HE TAKES. OH GOD SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME, AM I THE CRAZY FUCKER HERE? I guess when I found photos on HER SON'S pc of a 4 year old little girl being forced to suck a dogs dick that I somehow misinterpreted that. Or when I found photos on his pc of a 12 year old girl in white lingerie that you could SEE through and she was posed in a laid back position that I misinterpreted that too!!! And it doesn't end there!! I have OVER 9000 images of "child erotica" that her fucking useless pig of a son looked at and or downloaded but THAT'S A-OK for him to have! WHAT FUCKING PLANET AM I LIVING ON?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!  |
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