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Post by Elementum on Sept 19, 2013 2:56:11 GMT
She is nutz herself anyways. Nothing she says can be taken at face value or hold any validity. BTDT with the psycho rage. No clue what that was about. Just plain bat shit crazy, I got out of there as fast as possible. Leave. He can rage at whatever by himself.
I hear you. It's unfucking real the bull shit that they pull. The "blank stare" of lack of comprehension as to the sheer vile brutality of the concept.
ER, the only way to be a crazy fucker in this saga, is if you were to be pretending to be ER / woman but were actually a guy posting merrily away from some PC on the other side of the planet. That would be a crazy fucker.
Assuming that the above statement is NOT true, i.e. you are an angry lady in the USA married to a complete freaking nut case, then you sound a great deal like myself. And no one is going to rattle this girl's cage with regards to what has happened in my existence. I am not co dep by any stretch of the imagination and that is 9/10 why BPD validation and turn the other cheek to your PD spouse and marry a therapist and a support forum to keep your "relationship" is a pile of steaming bull shit.
I got the same accusation from stbx, that I was blaming him for the way my father treated me. Total utter fucked up twisted thinking he pulled out of his ass. His screaming insults and beating me were HIS shit. Not my dad's. The most unfucking believable thought processes, or should I say lack there of.
Stay the course ER, Log all this whacko shit, the phone call and the Gas light bs from MIL. Date and Time. Best, is to record the bull shit. They will DENY later if given the chance.
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Sept 19, 2013 4:42:31 GMT
LOL I am definitely NOT a dude although I have been accused of being a half and half but I promise God made me 100% female.
As for that bitch mother in law...straight from the monsters mouth to my ear "I don't have female friends because I don't trust females. I am one and I know how sneaky, back handed and conniving they are." Oh um gee could that be because YOU are that way so you ASSume ALL women are like you?!?! I swear she is the PD Queen!! She had me so fucking fooled, I hung on her every word because I honestly did not know any better. My own mother is so fucked in the head that I was searching for a mom and his mom SEEMED to be a decent person. Boy was I a sucker.
I'm so sick and damn tired of the accusations from them both. I know I have done my mischief but for God's sake I haven't done anything near to what they have.
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Post by Elementum on Sept 19, 2013 5:17:21 GMT
Exactly. Done my dirt too, and I don't run from it either. Owning your errors, others will twist and fling at you as cannon fodder. Seen that one in action as well. Doesn't matter. I know what I do and did.That will have to do. No one on this planet is God. And nor am I asking for their "forgiveness" PD judgements? I could care less about.
Yep...bat shit crazy. My best friends are females. Wonderful strong women.
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Sept 19, 2013 16:15:25 GMT
She's going to call me again today and for what I have no earthly clue. I have decided, upon waking this morning, that there will be several subjects off limits for discussion with her from now on. 1. HER son 2. MY marriage 3. HER issues 4. HER family 5. ME! 6. MY family 7. Religion 8. Doctors 9. Medicine in general 10.Politics For the last year I have tried talking to her but when I try to say something she keeps talking and actually talks louder to drown me out so I have in the past few months resorted to grunts(NO JOKE)I just go hmm, yeah, oh, wow, uh huh and none of them has any emphasis they are all just monotone. The woman is not JUST bat shit crazy she's hateful. She's so jealous of every woman she has ever known or ever heard about including me. She has said too many times to count in the last 19 years that she doesn't give a shit who you are or what you do in life because that doesn't make you better than her. She drones on and on about it but I have NEVER insinuated, said or thought that I was better than her for being a nurse NOR have I ever heard or known of ANYONE who has in 20 years!! It all started as a direct dig at me because the night she met me she found out that I am a nurse and she immediately insulted me about it. I USED TO be proud to be a nurse but she destroyed that and then one day the funniest thing happened...we were discussing HER once more and she said to me "I wish I had gone to college when I had the chance but I thought it was more important to get married and have a baby" "If I had the chance to do it all over again I would go to college, never get married and never have kids" You would have thought that she would have been happy that her son had met someone who actually had a career UNLIKE HIM or his 2 ex wives but no, she took it as a personal affront. Jealous much? She tells everyone that I was a sarcastic, mean bitch when she met me and that she hated my guts but actually she was looking in the fucking mirror and projecting onto me! I will admit that I had a backbone, I spoke my mind but it was respectfully and I didn't let STRANGERS talk down to me. If that is what she calls being sarcastic and mean then she has bigger issues to tackle. The issues oh God the issues, she has a plethora of issues and OMG THE LIES! She lies so well that it is just a normal conversation to her and she taught her sons immensely well. I now understand why NONE of her 4 ex daughters in law liked her! I'm the stupid ninny of them all because I clung to her like superglue. Oh the clarity of my stupidity is excruciatingly painful.  |
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Post by Elementum on Sept 19, 2013 16:49:18 GMT
 Looks reasonable to me. It's not as though there was any real sense of empathy nor understanding from that blind sow. Even my BP2 MIL had more empathy than yours shows. Fortunately due to geography I didn't have to deal with her as you do yours. Believe it or not, that is PD validation at times. Use same method with my dad sometimes...sigh. Dead silence is also interesting. Nailed it. You have every reason to be proud of your education. It's not like you were going around waving it about as some sort of flag to your wonderfulness, but the PD will latch onto anything to grind you down, no matter how bizarre. Including reverse weird projection shit. " You think you're better than me because of your fancy education." WTF??? So now the set up is to cut yourself down to make PD feel better about themselves. Liars and gas lighting artistes, and spin doctors, PD's. You get the idea. Preaching to the choir huh? As such, I validate your frustration and more importantly quit reefing on yourself. It's not like you were handed a booklet on PD shizzville when you married bubba is it? Me neither. Trial by Fire. Your clarity with this horse shit is pretty damn amazing ER, in such a short time since starting at 'the site' You know that? You must be busting your butt with the research on this stuff...some are caught years in this shit pit and can not ever see a way out. [ points finger at self!!!] stupid ninny over here on that score.
Moral of that story? You cannot beat the odds when your mate has a PD, refuses therapy or lives in denial. Period. Full stop.
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Sept 19, 2013 18:08:14 GMT
Beating myself up is my way of purging the shit. I know it's unorthodox but I NEVER allow myself to make mistakes because as a child I was ridiculed for NOT understanding something or just not knowing something I had no way of knowing. I think it is my way of owning my mistakes and admitting my faults ALTHOUGH I am accused every day of taking no responsibility for myself. If they only knew...
As for the research, I haven't done that much I don't think unless you count reading other ppl's accounts of their PD experiences and r/s as research. I spent the first month reading everything I could find and I won't lie, I spend all day on these forums just reading others posts. I don't participate much at all because there really is nothing I can say any different than anyone else but I read like nobody's business lol. I want to understand MY role in the PD world in which I live so that I can make the changes I need to make for my sanity and well being. I'm getting to the point that I really just don't care about them and their issues anymore it just pisses me off that I even had to get to this point.
The monster is always telling me how she loves me like one of her kids and how I'm so easy to talk to because for lack of another word I'm "family". OH and when I define myself as laid back and easy going she has to emphatically disagree because she says I am mean, a bitch and ready to fight at the drop of a hat (NO BITCH IT'S JUST YOU AND PPL LIKE YOU THAT MAKE ME REACT THAT WAY) and how she can't really find a word to define me because "you're just you". Funny how she turns on me like a pit viper when she THINKS I am threatening one of her herd because I express my opinion or feeling. NO! The reason you feel ambivalent toward me and feel you can talk to me is because you WERE able to manipulate me, control me and intimidate me! Now that you can no longer do those things you are feeling panicky and now you are trying to hold tighter by stroking my ego more than ever and when I resist and refuse you attack me verbally and physically. Fuck you bitch!! Fuck your son!! I am me and no one else accept it or die!! I am not responsible for how OTHERS have behaved I am ONLY responsible for ME! I don't like you anymore and I refuse to be bullied by you and your son ever again!! GET OVER YOURSELVES CAUSE IT'S A BRAND NEW DAY!!
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Post by Elementum on Sept 20, 2013 3:52:08 GMT
 Hey there beautiful! Believe it or not, I understand that one. Complete ownership of the problem, i.e. Not blaming the PD. It was your choice. As it was Mine. No guns were held to our heads when we made those really bad decisions. owning it in its entirety and all the reasons for it = Freedom. Yep...because that is the PD person's problem. Not yours or mine. And nothing that either of us could ever hope to do about it. Got my own damn issues to deal with, they are adults, they need to do their own work. eheheh...once, I remember, him calling me crazy because I was in therapy, and hollered back at him , " You are driving me fucking crazy!!!" because he was. Thank God for therapy. The second time round is worse than the first. Was my T that told me about the possibility that he might be BPD and to look up support online as my T was leaving in a few months. Also, he suggested Valium to take the edge off. And the answer was NO. I will not be medicated to stick around in a shitty r/s. Bull shit on that. Why dull the pain? Use it to eject. Depression is different though. Getting away from the PD shit, it all starts to right itself and an even keel is found. In past r/s there was none of this whacko crap. Why in hell did I stay? Knowing why, same as yourself...cutting free is much easier. Not painless, but not filled with doubts.
In a nut shell. The abuse ramps up when they start to lose control.  Proud of you ER. Love your fighting spirit. Now? It's the waiting game....and it's hard. Really hard, as the take no shit attitude really irks our mates. *sigh* |
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Sept 20, 2013 11:44:07 GMT
Aw gee thanks  Well, she never called yesterday. Thank God for small blessings because I really don't think I could have taken another day of her BS. I get so sick of hearing how she's so much older than everyone and that she's lived a long, hard life and is so wise. Most of all I'm just sick to death of listening to stories of her PAST and how tough, streetwise, smart, sexy and alluring she WAS and desired by every man on earth. I'm going to shut up about her now because I could do this all day for 20 years and still be sick of her.  AND IN OTHER NEWS...  The pouting is done and the hoovering is in full swing by the H... So far this week I have received a brand new fleece blanket with kittens on it, hugs, pats, strokes, a 12 pack of soda, I love you's, the "just woke up bleary eyed sheepish grin toddle over to mama and hug her" routine, singing silly songs, dancing silly dances act. Last night I finally asked him why he was being so nice to me because he doesn't really love me to which he replied that he DOES love me and he's just in a good mood all while giving me the "don't you dare ruin my attempt to lure you back in or I may have a temper fit" face. I'm just thinking to myself...seriously?!  |
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Post by Elementum on Sept 20, 2013 13:25:19 GMT
Yeah....the hoovers, the flowers, the jewellery, the blah blah blah  It's lulls you into a "sleep" and then the nightmare wakes you up to reality. AND...stbx called 2 days ago, strictly calm like speaking to a client. Sob story. He was ill. But did not tell me, Malaria. He's better now, Fine. Needs a week to recuperate at the beach, but SA is cold now? So...ok , good idea. fine. Then...the hoover moves. No " I love you's" Because I will spew and he knows it. I don't believe it has registered with him, that the divorce is going through whether he likes it or not. His return dates are now magically all over the place and unknowns with stop over in Euro office...fine. Fascinating turn of events. My best friend was here today and she knew me before I ever met him. She is worried about his reaction when he gets back. Hell, so am I. Realistically what's the worst he can do? Whatever dumb move he pulls will wind him up in jail, neither of which he will want. GF also looked me straight in the eye, as we are very different, she said , You Fight. That's you. She is much more passive. She kept me sane when the shit hit the fan over the years and have cried her shoulders soggy. Yeah...now, I fight, before ? I cried. Fuck that. He was such a fucking contemptuous prick...grrr. Egh..the anger starts boiling when I remember that shit from before. FAWK!!!! From his speaking...doesn't sound like he gets it at all. Who knows? Which if you look at it through his eyes over the years of the push/ pull BS....guess what? Same same. Feels like he has a replacement though. Last time home? Was bizarre to say the least. When ever the accusations are flying, it's almost a given it's him up to bs. It ends when we finally end it. Push....alrighty then...I'm outta here. And you know what else? That's how it got really buggered early on...he pushed...I left...and then he would come scrambling to get me back...I didn't do the pulling which triggered his abandonment fears all over again. And round and round...and...egh. Attachment Studies with Borderline Patients: A ReviewMindF*ck and not my problem. Don't want to deal with this anymore. Can't. Yep...after 19 years? Now? He "gets it"...don't count on it. The real question is: What do you want? 3 years ago, the answer was: I don't want to be doing this for the rest of my life. I can't. Gonna lose it. At that time, I was so in love, and what a different head space now...just not the same feelings/ thoughts at all. What does ER want? |
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Sept 20, 2013 14:11:26 GMT
What do I want? That's simple, it's the same damn thing I have wanted all of my adult life. I want security. I want to know that when I open my eyes in the morning and when I close them at night that I am secure. Security for me means, a well paying job, a permanent roof over my head, a decent vehicle, bills paid, needs met and enough left over to pamper myself if I WANT something. I have spent MY ENTIRE LIFE taking care of everyone around me and have done NOTHING FOR ME! Call me selfish, call me greedy but God willing the next 44 years is going to be all about Ellie!
As for any r/s IF and I mean a huge IF I meet someone who represents to me that they deserve to be a part of my life and share it then I MIGHT allow that to happen but it will ALWAYS be my choice and on my terms from now on. That's what Ellie wants and that's just what Ellie will get when she is finally free!
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Post by Elementum on Sept 20, 2013 15:00:16 GMT
Yep...I hear you. Solid footing on Terra Firma, and what comes there after is a bonus.
Not willing to put up with the raging, screaming, pouting and demands to mind read. Just too tired. The last several months due to the inconclusive current status quo, have been up and down emotionally, but most days...ok...today? Just feeling the life of it all and quite peaceful.
Sad...as it could have been so different. But, can't make anybody do anything. And...too much damage. Past the point of caring what he does or doesn't. His life, do what he wants, but without me. Done.
Kind of the bottom line on this stuff, I am not perfect, nor will I ever be, nor professed to be. But neither am I willing to be abused for any fucking reason. Have a problem? Speak up, It can be discussed and resolved. Screaming in my face a pile of vile insults and being blasted for not reading his mind? That doesn't quite qualify.
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Sept 20, 2013 16:02:46 GMT
Yep to all of that. I was discussing with his mother his need for therapy and she of course is telling me that he's not aware that his behavior is abnormal (OH YES HE IS) then she says that since he likes being an asshole then he doesn't see anything wrong with his behavior and then she had the audacity to compare him to a preachers son who recently committed suicide! Pastor Rick Warren and his wife are well known and he has written several books. I had never heard of him but apparently he has a large following. Anyway, he and his wife are campaigning here in the states to make it mandatory that no one with a history of mental illness be allowed to purchase a gun because their son battled mental illness all of his life and his parents got him every kind of treatment available with meds and therapy but nothing helped. The boy was hell bent on killing himself and he told his parents at age 17 that he was going to heaven soon well, in April 2013 at the age of 27 he finally was able to get a gun and kill himself. My H mother said "see, even that boy with all of the help possible couldn't be cured of his mental illness so why would it work for my son?" You stupid twat, first of all that boys parents NEVER told anyone that their son had a mental illness just the doctors and therapists, second NO ONE KNOWS what his mental illness was because his parents have never disclosed that, three how do we know that he was compliant with his treatment? Just because his parents say so? How do we know they aren't just saying that they got him every possible treatment and still he killed himself just to further their personal agenda? WE DON'T! THEN of all things she says, so lets say he did go to therapy, he would tell them what they want to hear and lie. I said no shit! He is a liar, he rarely tells the truth, you wouldn't believe the lies he's told you to which she claims she is aware...whatever. I said too that he has lied to me for damn near 20 years about EVERYTHING, just STUPID shit that made no sense, just for the sake of lying. That's when I asked her why I should have to accept his abuse any longer because if all he's going to do is lie and refuse to take charge of himself and do better then I can't stick around. BUT, maybe just once if he would get honest with himself and go to therapy and be honest about how he feels and behaves he may have a breakthrough. I know him better than she will ever know him and I know beyond any doubt one of 2 things will happen when I leave. He will panic and seek therapy in the hopes of winning me back and when it doesn't work he will give up OR he will go back to drinking like he was when we met and he will eventually drink himself to death or kill himself. None of those things will be my fault or within my control. It is ALL on HIM to get better or not. Am I the only one in this situation who is NOT wearing blinders and rose colored glasses?! No, she knows the truth but she's such a fucking control freak she thinks there is some miracle cure that she just hasn't found yet. Her famous words are "I'm his mother and I will always be his mother. I would take a bullet for him because that's what mothers do. I can't just stop being a mother, it's my job to protect my children even now that they are grown. I'm the one who carried them and I raised them by myself (NO SHE DID NOT!) and IT'S MY DUTY! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!! OH THE INSANITY!!! 
Just got this in email...how timely... You live in a dream world of your creation, Ellie, to find your way, discover your power, learn what matters and, if feeling magnanimous, tip-off eager apprentices with a few tricks. There's no room for guilt or doubt and little need for hesitancy or half measures. Romancing the stone, The Universe |
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Post by Elementum on Sept 20, 2013 18:10:49 GMT
How's that for a warped twist? He knows he is an ahole...if he knows that to be the case, then...? The awareness of unawareness? Or is it a conscious lack of awareness? hehehehe...kinda shot herself in the foot there or not?  When I find myself in those buggered circular arguments....I walk. Think what you like. On their planet they use funky math.  What's she doing to protect him from himself? Fobbing him off on you. She is bat shit crazy as he is. The comment about the bullet. ..the darker snide ass side of me wants to ask her from what kind of gun ? I'll buy it for her...
((ER))) This guy and your MIL are fit for the funny farm.  Just keep thinking: EXIT strategy. Keeps one sane. Yep...got that one as well. Pretty cheery things aren't they? On the money as well...focus thoughts on the end result and set the plan in motion. Seems to work rather well. In fact, better than well, the Universe is being awfully kind to me. Blown away by how some people have gone to bat for me here.  And , I like the gub'ment. Not often get to say that is it? lol Life will be better. Dreading the finale though. That is going to be brutal. But, that's the way it is. Can't wait to hear the fireworks...Not. But, as my GF said, he can say whatever he wants, don't care. Nothing. Not important. Just be safe. Yep...and if he loses it? He spends time in jail. Covered either way. Not my problem. Just don't give a shit, tired of "fear" last time he lunged at me over some idiotic snot fest he was having, I let him know, " Be my guest, make sure it's worth it, because your asshole is going to be stretched wider than your nasty mouth in the slammer." He stopped real fast. Amazing how consequences pull him up real short. *sigh* sick way to live.  |
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Sept 20, 2013 18:42:21 GMT
I hope the finale for you isn't a bunch of drama. I'm sorry any of us got tangled in the deceitful webs of a PD but we did so now we just have to cut the ties that bind and true to nature they are not going to just let us go or go peacefully.
I haven't been ignoring your plight but I do get off track very easily. I read something and a memory pops in and then it takes me on a journey and then I remember something else and I'm off again. My head is just a jumbling, tumbling mess and I can't wait until everything is clearer again. I keep fearing that I'm not going to get out soon enough to enjoy life before I'm just too damn old or feeble to enjoy it.
Secretly, I keep wishing his mother would fall over dead and soon! I know that's a horrible thing to say because she has done a hell of a lot for us but she holds it over our heads and any time we step out of line she makes sure to drop it on us. She says she does it out of love and concern but if that's the case then why does she constantly have to remind us of all she has done? I thought God said we are to give with a joyful heart. I'm not saying anyone should give everything they have but when Y O U decide to give then it shouldn't be held over that persons head like a weapon. She accuses everyone of holding grudges but that's exactly what she does. If she doesn't want to do something then why does she do it and then bitch about it?
All of these things I post here about her I have never said to her because that would just get me slapped in the mouth again. She will never understand how hurt I was emotionally when she slapped me in the mouth and busted my lip last June. I was crushed but that was my wake up call as well. We had already had it out on the phone a year before but this was face to face and when she hit me I slapped her right back and it felt so damn good! I have secretly wanted to beat her ass for a long time but I haven't because she's just not worth the jail time and losing my nursing license. But can you believe, oh never mind of course you can, that although she kicked me I never retaliated but she then slapped me in the mouth and I slapped her back, she had the nerve to pick up the phone and dial the cops.
She was so shocked that I had slapped her back that she almost shit her pants, you should have seen her reaction and the look on her face, she was absolutely not expecting that I would hit her back and it was fucking priceless!! But anyway the only reason I don't say these things to her is because it would cause a war so huge that it would likely level the entire country so I keep it all inside, I don't even say anything to the H because he will march over to her house and blast her with both barrels and then the war will begin anyway. I just keep it all to myself and keep my eyes fixed upon my goal.
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Post by Elementum on Sept 20, 2013 19:16:26 GMT
Totally understand! Your posts do the same here...and it ruptures sometimes really bad. Other times, running or whatever another memory comes screaming up and...yeah...I can relate and don't worry! We'll get the hell out of this shit. You nailed it. Stbx is same. Do because you want to, or don't. No strings. Drove me wild the way he would bitch about people. I can believe. You are absolutely right. And another delightfully shit memory came to the surface ...fawk..vacay , stbx wigs out yelling at me, about hell if I know? Don't ask me what the problem was, I have no idea, I am racing for the hotel door...he grabbed me by my hair and hauled me backwards and was pinning me down and I fought back...I can't remember how I got out, but I did and I was on the road with my cell phone with a hunk of hair missing and my fucking scalp aching...and really fucked up. Guess what dickwad did ? He took pictures of his bruises from where I had kicked him off of me. Like what the fucking hell was that!!!! You know? I do NOT give a shit anymore. I just don't. So freaking sick to death of every aspect of him. Get the hell out of my life and stay the hell away from me. God damn...aerghh. Yep...I know that look. The bully finally gets a piece of their own. * shock * yeah....asshole, enjoy it did you? ER...this shit just brings out the worst in me. Comes straight up with a war cry," Wanna piece of this asshole? yeah?...good, bring it on motherfucker , I so want to fuck you up! In the worst goddamn way. " I will not back down from his or anyone's shit ever again. Ever. Have not ever come across anyone this warped outside of the sick crap I married in my life ya know that? WTF? I don't need this garbage around me for any reason. His PD shit is his fucking problem. It's caused me enough grief and wasted 25% of my life and left me a mangled scrappy mess of a human. Fuck him and everything about his crap. Argh. What a freaking waste of existence.
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