Eleanor's Bitch, Moan and Groan Thread

((((ER)))))

When I feelz shitty like that? I force myself outside...go for a run, go to the gym. Hug the squad and DO.
DO DO DO...every little bit does help...even a teeny little bit.

But yeah...I know the feeling all too well.

And...who cares what "he" appreciates. Existence is NOT about him. He is NOT the center of the damn Universe. Make yourself the center of your own Universe. The part about taking care of YOU, is super important. You KNOW that. Everything counts in large amounts!!!



Crank some tunes!!! Gets the blood moving.

Exercise does wonders for depression. I think so at any rate. I know the last month and a half? That's the only reason I seemed to move my ass. And I HAVE TO MOVE IT, or nothing gets done. So...

Your H is the most vulgar disgusting useless prick for a POS, I don't give a shit if he is a PD or not, that is just so fucked up. The PD SHIT is beyond disgusting and as far as I am concerned? He yours and mine, can rot in their shit pits together. Revolts me on every level.

School is a couple weeks away and then you will be OUT of the house around Normal humans. It will do wonders for your head space. Any chance you can get a hold of the text book list ahead of time? Do some prep work?

(((ER))))

Nursing and CF? Those are worlds apart or not?

Oh yeah Nursing and CF are worlds apart but I'm already a LPN I'm bridging to RN so it wont be that difficult since I have been a nurse for 22 years now. The CF is going to be a challenge because I have to learn a lot of math and math is not one of my strong subjects. We agree to disagree lol.

Oh that chocolate cake is a whole other story grrrrrrrrrrrrr. Talk about sabotage! Being a diabetic and having a secondary endocrine disorder on top of it I crave sweets like mad! My H KNOWS THIS but he buys the crap every day KNOWING that I have an impossible time refusing it. I have asked him to please stop buying so much junk food because it is so hard for me to turn away from it. His only response is "Well, you don't have to eat it" He doesn't understand, because of my secondary endocrine disorder sweets to me are like heroin to a junkie. I CANNOT just say no! I have to be in an environment where it is not available or at least in short supply or else I AM GOING to eat it lol. His reasoning is that he shouldn't have to deny himself because I have 2 endocrine disorders. He's a real friggin' piece of shit this one.

As for school, I haven't decided if I am going to major and minor. I don't know if I can handle that much work at once or not and I am afraid that H is not going to make school easy for me. He will still act like a child demanding that his clothes be washed, his meals prepared, that he not be disturbed and allowed to do what he wants regardless of if I need the peace and quiet or not. Did I mention he's a real piece of shit this one?

I can't get this oaf of a man to do what needs to be done around the house because he's so damn lazy it's a miracle one of my four cats doesn't have to breathe for him. The rest of the time he's got his head shoved under the hood of his race car and spending money we don't have on that damn thing. Oh you just don't know what I deal with every day and there is NO talking, NO reasoning, NO amount of begging, NO amount of demanding or anything that is going to change him. Oh he's a real piece of shit he is.

Go ahead and laugh I know I'm crazy lol. We have to have a twisted sense of humor or else this would kill us for sure. It's going to take me some time to get away unless he just decides he doesn't want to put up with me anymore. He's been pissy for the last few days cause I'm quite sure he knows that my feelings have changed. Every time he says "I love you" I cringe inside and I don't want to say it back to him so I just say "Yeah, I *mumble mumble* too". I do care about him I just...oh hell I don't know what I just but I know whatever it is I don't like the way I feel.

Like last night, I told him that my step mom is in the hospital and it sounds like she is in kidney failure. She's diabetic like me plus she has very serious cardiac issues which thank God are not an issue right now but, she's not well. My baby sister is her daughter, she's my half sister (we share the same child raping father unfortunately) but we don't ever think about it because to us we are just sisters and we love each other to death. Well anyway I told the H that if something serious happens to my step mom like she gets much worse, falls into a coma or God forbid dies that I will be making a trip to be with my baby sister. He just gives me a shitty look and waves his hand and says "BYE! I'm not going." and then he says to me..."I don't know how you plan to get there" I told him not to worry about going because I don't expect him to and I would never ask him to go anyway and that I would drive or fly to which he said, with what money and I told him that it would be his money. Then he says I don't think so that's my money and I can't afford to rent you a car to go out there because I have to buy stuff for my car and you ain't taking the truck.

I have not seen my baby sister in person since 1994, she's getting married in a cpl of weeks but I can't go because "we don't have the money" and I was SUPPOSED to be her maid of honor! He constantly holds money over my head but when I was working I cashed my paycheck and gave it to him. I never kept a dime of it because "he had to pay the bills" but yet our bills hardly if ever got paid. I even had to go hungry at work because I had no way to buy myself anything to eat. Now he spends almost his entire disability check on that fucking car. We live on $700 a month and food stamps yet my lights have been turned off numerous times, my internet has been shut off numerous times to the point it's now in his mothers name because we both have outstanding bills in our names with MULTIPLE companies, I never have anything healthy to eat, I'm not allowed to go to work because he will lose his money and his Medicaid, we haven't paid the rent in 3 years and now when I get my Fed aid for school he says that once my tuition and books are paid for that whatever I have left each semester is going toward his fucking car! That is when the fight is going to start because if he thinks for one damn second that he's getting my school money he can think again!!! I will take whatever I have and I will run for the tallest mountain where he will NEVER find me. I have to pay back the money anyway so I may as well use it to run if I can't use it to go to school.

I swear NEVER again!!!

You know? He has the biggest heart and the most sensitive nature but his PD makes you want to smash his face in with a rock! He will give the shirt off of his back to a complete stranger but if it was me needing it he would let me go naked. I guess he sees me as the source of all of his pain and trouble I really don't know and I really don't care.

He called me last night to tell me he cussed out and flipped off an old man with his 4 grandkids in the car then today he called to tell me he blew up at the ppl at his bank because they refused to deposit a money order in my name because I wasn't with him and my name isn't on his account. He was as hopping mad as an old wet hen and then when I didn't respond the way he thought I should I could hear the piss in his voice but he didn't say anything to me just "whatever" and goodbye. What was I supposed to do? Ring the mayor? Take out a full page ad in the paper? I guess because I didn't say "good job, good boy" it pissed him off. Oh well.

I know ppl in this city have to cringe every time they see him around town. I just know he's made such an ass of himself that ppl are wise to him. He's been showing his ass our entire marriage so I know he had to be showing it before we got married at least according to his mom he has. I know too that ppl have to wonder what the hell is wrong with me and why I don't leave but it's getting to the point that I'm just gonna say to hell with school and run. I'm so beyond giving a shit what his mother thinks or anyone else in his family for that fact. I've just had my fill.

And just so you know that 5 minutes of exercise this morning kicked my ass! I am so sore I feel like I've been rode hard and put up wet! Damn I'm out of shape!