|
|
Post by CGisNuts on Oct 16, 2013 15:39:00 GMT
So at 1 or 1:30 I'm supposed to meet my ex to discuss, to listen to her whine and babble about why I don't, can't, love her, and listen to her beg me to take her back.
No grasp on the evil shit she did to me, therefore no ownership of her actions.
ARGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH
If I again blow her off, it'll just mean it's next week.
I plan to bring my work and make a quick exit. Only a PD with her is not happy I'm even being nice to her, for our child's sake. But that's not enough for her because it's not about her, and she has to have it all, never mind what's best for the child, it has to be for her.
So PD, so so PD.
|
|
|
|
Post by Eleanor Rigby on Oct 16, 2013 16:23:28 GMT
CG, I hope someday soon you find a way to just let her nonsense go in one ear and out the other. I know she has done horrible, horrible things to you but you are driving yourself mad stressing over her. If you can find a way to be indifferent toward her she will eventually shut up and move on to someone or something else.
I'm concerned for you.
|
|
|
|
Post by Elementum on Oct 16, 2013 17:10:21 GMT
2nd ER. Detachment is one thing, but if you are still emotionally plugged into her and your empathy is taking over your head? You are in trouble. She is in her own way hurting, but it's not the same as a non PD'd individual. It's their actions with the consequences of losing their supply that fires them up. Not much beyond that. You and your pain over the years? Blind to it.
When stbx was home last time, I couldn't not feel his pain, and I could not and would not comfort or allow myself to be pulled into it. That is one of the grossest feelings for me. Hard to explain that.
And another week to torture yourself with it ya know?
Rip the scab off, one fell swoop and be done with it. I can totally relate to NOT wanting to deal with the impending guilt trips and "why can't we work this out" and blah blah blah, but same as yourself. They have NO CLUE to the damage.
You spent how many years trying to make the marriage work? And...now she "gets it?" ...no. They don't ever "get it." Only for so long as they can reel you in with their crap.
Take the Red Pill before you deal with her. Too easy to get sucked back into the PD Matrix with the FOG being fired at you.
|
|
|
|
Post by CGisNuts on Oct 16, 2013 23:34:51 GMT
Great advice, thanks.
So in a way, I took your advice, and didn't give her any answers or anything, left it as if the conversation really never took place. Done and over.
She kept focusing on the "why did you say you stopped loving me months before this all happened", like someone worried about armor-all-ing the dashboard on a junked car.
Today is done and over and will never happen again. She didn't ask the important questions.
Thanks everyone
|
|
|
|
Post by Elementum on Oct 17, 2013 2:34:08 GMT
How were you feeling during the talk and how are you feeling now?
Passive aggressive or you spoke with her and she didn't ask or wasn't concerned about your feelings and perspective?
I have to watch that sort of thing myself, I have more or less shut down communicating with stbx due to the utter lack of even interest or awareness on his side. That has frustrated the situation, but it's also been so volatile that I just don't go down that path anymore. I wanted to hear him out and know his side and perspective, but it was not happening when the statements were accusations, or " You made me_______." I don't make anyone do anything.
"If you hadn't , I wouldn't _______" That puts me in a mind reading position. No go bucko. Know what your damn problem is and tell me. An interesting point was that in reality , he wanted a "Yes" man. Not to discuss, but someone to take orders. Wrong girl for that.
" You didn't ____, because you don't love me."
" You Never______. because you don't love me."
" You Always______. because you don't love me."
" You should know, if you loved me." *whatever* No, I don't. And I will not be placed in a position of mind reading. Open your mouth and speak.
It goes on and on. It was not possible to agree to disagree. Only be hammered. And when he was hammering a point, I would just go. Agree to disagree whether he wanted to or not because the reasons he gave me for abusing me were not compelling enough for me to agree with him. Funny that.
When you are dealing with someone that has already an expected script of how you /I are/am to respond? Or the things we/I/you can talk about in his head? Communication is pointless. It doesn't exist. Several years back, he would want "to talk" , OK, sat down to talk, but he didn't like my answers or my questions. It would require that he own some of the things that were going on, the drinking, the exploding obscenities over not helping the "right way", my inability to mind read. I made so many adjustments it was hard to know who I was anymore. I was being bent into a role that he had created for me. But it wasn't me.
Unless she is willing to own her stuff and go to counseling and even yourself to see your side in the dynamic, there's not much hope is there? You are the one living in the dynamic and know what is happening. No one else.
|
|
|
|
Post by CGisNuts on Oct 17, 2013 14:18:52 GMT
@eleanor Rigby & Mea
Great advice again, and Eleanor Rigby you are so on point.
How am I feeling, honestly, no different, because I don't love her. Although I am moving on and being friends for my daughter, I would never go back after what she has done, so I guess my feeling is "Who cares"
I don't care what she wants or what she feels, and I do not have empathy fot her feelings.
I was just dreading listening to her babble and didn't really want to talk to her at all. I don't owe her any feelings or having to tell her my feelings, because there is none. However I do not want to be mean, until the Divorce is over and done with. Not that I plan on being mean.
She really is lost, and she was stuck on "why did you say you stopped loving me" blah blah blah. Who cares.
And no, she doesn't care how I feel and never has, because it's all about her. She only cares for the sake of finding if there is a chance, NOT how I feel that she totally tried to and did, fuck me.
She is so lost that she really believes she can blame all her actions on her lawyer. I don't even want to waste my time writing them.
It just shows how lost she is, how out of touch with reality she is, and how unfit a person she is.
She really thinks I give a F_ck that she gets lonely or sad, and that I care if she's trying to be alone to grow.
The only reason I care about that is because if she gets married or moves in with some new victim, my daughter will have to be there.
She has no clue why my daughter hates her parents (grandparents), which is so obvious, because they talk shit about me and she knows the truth. She knows that Mommy and Grandpa did everything they could to keep me and her apart. My daughter is smart and way smarter than my wife. I never asked her what she thinks of it, when we were kept apart. She does know that I did everything I could to see her, even having the cops escort me out of the school.
Once I get my Mac G5 back, (which she thinks she could have kept) and the divorce is signed and finished, I'm going to write her a letter. But nothing until it's done. Maybe I won't at all.
I have no feelings for her anymore, but she needs to have that letter to read and re-read.
|
|
|
|
Post by CGisNuts on Oct 17, 2013 14:30:00 GMT
I feel today like I wasted valuable time and lost my day. Unless I have a hard deadline, it's hard to jump back into work after a 7 hour interruption, especially non work stuff. When I'm working on "in-house" or promo stuff for my agency, it's so bad to take that long of a break. But we have to take daughter to therapist on Wednesday. I did get some stuff down in the notebook I always carry.
Which makes me remember how he always freaked out when I brought my notebook and didn't have silly conversations with her.
|
|
|
|
Post by Elementum on Oct 17, 2013 15:32:03 GMT
<<<<Man Hug>>>
Pretty tough to extend yourself in her direction after the crap she has put you through. Can relate to that. Kind of grow cold inside. I wonder if that is not some protective mechanism? It's not anger or hatred or anything strong, more along the lines of indifference. Somebody who has jerked your chain one too many times and you cut them loose...give them the gift of doing better elsewhere.
Think back to all the times she cut you down for who the heck knows what and ask yourself why on earth she would want to be married to you if you are even half the crap she spewed? Makes no sense does it? That's what I have done for several years, If I am all those shitty things I am screamed at, why the hell did he want to be married to me? Please, don't. Go...
Sick, sick, sick, no clue as to what the damage has been to you is there? Kids are not dumb. As long as one parent is there to support her perspective and it's not even necessary to PAS, she will hold on to that going forward and make her own choices and decisions accordingly is my bet. Worked like that for me.
|
|
|
|
Post by CGisNuts on Oct 17, 2013 16:42:48 GMT
I grew cold and detached way before it ended because of what she did over the years. I think in 10 years of marriage we went to at least 8 marriage councilors, all my setting up btw.
She was a monster really from the start.
Damage? She thinks not. She thinks hers actions had justification.
Here is the thing, I am a settlement away from it being OVER. Whoo Hooo.
|
|
|
|
Post by Elementum on Oct 18, 2013 2:50:32 GMT
You and I both. Settlement and done.
Still hurts though, cold to him in that I will not consider reconciliation but, sad in that I know in his own way he tried, but...I dunno. He could not SEE. And I could not make him see. And, I am unwilling to waste what is left of my precious life on someone who thinks it's ok to treat me like crap. Not gonna happen.
You had counselors that she even went to? Way the heck ahead of what I was able to do. He always had an excuse. The only time he actually went was when I had left him 7 years ago. I had to leave before he did a damn thing. How sad is that? Otherwise? Promises meant absolutely Nothing.
|
|
|
|
Post by CGisNuts on Oct 18, 2013 13:49:21 GMT
They don't comprehend that you won't reconcile because of their actions.
They don't comprehend much of any of it.
In my case, she sees everything like a Disney movie, that Love conquers all, in that even if the life is shit, it's okay because there is love.
It doesn't work like that. Life is too short to live in a hell. Even if there is love, it is not enough.
Just last night she was babbling that she doesn't know if she can handle being friends.
Hello, dummy, this is not for you, it's for our daughter.
PD's only see it one way, what they want, at all costs.
We can talk about the PD's all day, but they just don't get it. And that is the problem, they do not see it.
|
|
|
|
Post by Elementum on Oct 18, 2013 14:19:16 GMT
Of course not, because it's your fault that you made them act like that.
True. Can't say that there is much in the way of love left around here. It's a very strange thing, to look at someone I was once so in love with I would die for, but now? I am tired. I cannot look at him the same way. Too much damage.
Feel for you having to deal with your exW due to having a child together. That makes life far more difficult. Getting the balance right will not be easy for you or your little one. However, you won custody after all the sick crap she pulled on you.
The sick crap she pulled is more than enough to drive a stake through your heart if there were any loving soft feelings left for her there on that front.
|
|
|
|
Post by CGisNuts on Oct 18, 2013 16:23:42 GMT
" It's a very strange thing, to look at someone I was once so in love with I would die for, but now? I am tired. I cannot look at him the same way. Too much damage. "
Yes they do it to themselves which is the sick part, then they use the "I'm a good spouse" "I work hard", etc, as if it's supposed to be excused.
Mine keeps finding excuses to talk, meet, do stuff, and then says I can't handle it.
She found 10 ways to offer to help me move when I kept saying no.
So funny how it's exactly like the marriage in that it's her actions and blaming me for it.
Truth is, I have no time for a relationship, and I don't mind being alone. In fact I enjoy it. My goal is to build my business and raise my kid.
I have my daughter and my business, then tons of books and a bunch of other creative stuff to do.
She is so empty inside and has no interests besides having a relationship. It would never work ever again.
I will not ever go back, especially to someone who won't tell me her days off unless I take them off to entertain her.
She has no concept of what a business is. She thinks you put an open sign and people come.
|
|
|
|
Post by CGisNuts on Oct 18, 2013 16:25:47 GMT
I love my life now. I have all the time in the world to work and grow, to do new things, to work all day if I wanted to. I have about 5 things I want to do that will involve so much time.
The only person I have time for is my daughter, and I will never compromise that.
|
|
|
|
Post by Elementum on Oct 18, 2013 17:29:31 GMT
When the constant chaos of the PD mindf*ck is not tearing at the awareness, it's nice. Focus on your little one and work and the rest will come together in it's time.
Just waiting here to get it all over and done with and to get back on track with existence and future. But still this last nasty land minefield to navigate. After can breathe and start over.
She is a lucky little girl to have such a devoted dad. That's how it should be. I think so anyways. The kids come first.
|
|
