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Post by maremma67 on Jul 21, 2013 5:27:35 GMT
Tell me why you need to cut off your feelings for the next three years?
It is not actually a matter of becoming "robotic" it is more like "retraining of reactions" to other peoples behaviors/emotions. You start by telling yourself every day that YOU are not responsible for their emotions or behaviors. Every one is responsible for their own feelings. You keep telling yourself and it will eventually start sinking in as the truth.
You know like you your busy going about your business, in a good mood looking forward to maybe taking the kids over to the lake after supper and then someone comes along being hateful and slamming the door as they come in, stomping around swearing and just plain mad at the world. Your first instinct would be to get real quiet real quick and try to "appease the angry giant" so to speak. Rather than allowing them and their tantrum to negatively affect your mood and plans you simply continue to finish up whatever it is you were working on as if they were acting the way they SHOULD have been acting all along (like an adult). You literally IGNORE the fact that THEY are acting like an ass (even if you are thinking it in your head at the moment) and keep right on with what you were doing and looking forward to.
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Post by unicorn on Jul 22, 2013 17:19:27 GMT
okay Retraining of Reactions. That sounds exactly like what I need. because I feel everybody else's emotions and i am afraid that I will continue to make decisions in my life based on other's emotions. i.e. I will stay married because it will make my husband sad, if I leave.., so obviously that is not a healthy way to look at life. I feel like I don't acknowledge my emotions AT All.
I did go and see HIS therapist this morning, by myself. I think I totally changed her view of him, at the beginning of the session she was talking about his temper problems and then by the end, she was combing thru her DSM-V at the symptoms of borderline. She also lent me "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me," told me not to read it around him, though. She also thinks that I need to "up" my exercise to practically every day and ask my doc about anti-depressants. I'll go back and see her in a couple of weeks.
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Post by maremma67 on Jul 23, 2013 4:14:50 GMT
Indeed I must agree with the counselor about exercise and antidepressants if you need them.They don't "fix" the problem but they can lift just enough of the weight of the depression for you to be able to get up and start swinging again.
I know that seems so hypocritical coming from me but my case was different than other peoples and my specific situation and health issues were why I refused to be on any kind of antidepressants or other psych meds even when I was in the worst of it. I would never begrudge anyone else that help if it is possible for it to help them.
I am glad to hear you were able to "undo" his b.s.ing of his counselor in just one appointment! That is impressive! LOL See you are already on the right track. You did well at getting your point across to the counselor and making them see things more clearly. Now we just need to keep doing that when you are talking to yourself in the mirror!
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Post by unicorn on Jul 23, 2013 17:02:17 GMT
Yes Maremma, I feel some progress at least. I am a little fearful about tomorrow, he goes to see her in the afternoon. I am afraid that he will be angry with me afterwards. If he senses a change in the dynamics, and also that she wants him to sign a statement that he won't hurt anyone, or use his guns again, etc. He may end up going, "what did you TELL her?" Because, although it's the truth, it is not the truth to him. I also got into an argument w/ him last night about him going through my computer. He was mad that I deleted my history. I said, "I wouldn't have to delete, if you wouldn't look thru my computer" (hahaha)
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Post by maremma67 on Jul 25, 2013 17:14:18 GMT
Indeed he does not belong going through your computer and it was good of you to delete it all. He MUST learn boundaries ARE going to be enforced. PERIOD.
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Post by unicorn on Aug 2, 2013 17:42:54 GMT
Well, he did angry about the therapist appt, but didn't say very much to me about it. I think it had to do with the "no self harm" contract she wanted him to sign. Also apparently my 7 yr old daughter told my mother in law that we have been talking to each other about my H. And she told my H. WTF, surely she should know by now that that is only going to cause an enormous amount of drama. I am so mad at my MIL (not my daughter of course). I saw my dr today for my annual appt and she updated my script for BIRTH control, which is as always an issue and she also wrote a script for an anti depressant. She carefully chose how she would write it in my charts in case of any subpeona. He started his new job and although he claims it is boring, he seems to be plugging away at it. I'm trying to "be myself" exercising as much as I can, getting things ready for school, trying very hard to focus on my job. And of course reading, going to therapy, seeing my friends, checking these foruns. All positive things that I hope will help me continue to see that light.
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Post by Elementum on Aug 13, 2013 16:52:41 GMT
Unicorn, You have seen the light. Once you have seen it, you cannot unsee it. You know? This is a battle with yourself and your worries are fair. I will totally back up Freetobe and Maremma 110% , get out of this horrible relationship. Your H is only hoovering you right now, lying through his teeth to keep you around. Not much more than that. PD's/ BPD / NPD you are not a person with feelings. You don't matter. You are only fodder to them.
You can do this, and as Maremma said, Your Boundaries and reactions are the only things you can control. Keep his emotional blah blah on his side of the fence and don't let the FOG get to you.
SF
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Post by unicorn on Aug 15, 2013 1:21:42 GMT
I am still working on it. I did try the anti depressants, but the side effects were pretty bad. (didn't sleep for about a week, headaches, etc) I will keep up with the exercise though and I am trying Sam E that herbal supplement that is supposed to help your mood. He is still nice, however he does have his manipulative tactics with me. I am trying very hard to retrain myself and stand my ground on all issues. I am also doing better with not allowing his emotions to effect me. THey are his, they are his problem, not mine. He has kept the job that he got a couple of weeks ago, so our income issue has improved. I have signed us up for marriage counseling which begins in October. I also found a codependency anonymous meeting that I'd like to attend. THings are better, but they are still not desirable. Unfourtunately for him, even if he moved the moon and the stars, I'd still be packing to get out the door.
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Post by Elementum on Aug 15, 2013 2:18:57 GMT
(((Unicorn))))
You know it. And you cannot deny it to yourself. Your life is short, mine too. Doing something so simple as the math on your life left...it's depressing. No point to suffer with a PD'd individual in your existence.
Once you are out or even getting super close to final ejection, DAMN DOES IT FEEL GOOD!!!!!
Have faith in yourself. You will get through this.
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Post by unicorn on Sept 6, 2013 19:29:40 GMT
Well... as an update. The H is still doing very well. Even his minor "manipulative" slip ups seem to be gone. Its very strange. However, i do have that sense of happiness that I remember quite well from when he had me hoovered in our relationship previously. (you know the days where he loved me because I was so awesome or whatever). I am assuming that eventually the devaluing will begin again and I will be left where I was when this all started. So I am trying to remain dettached as much as possible. He is very pleasant right now, so it's been enjoyable going out with him and taking the kids places. I have to actually remind myself of how he used to behave. (which is familiar too, it's all apart of the roller coaster ride) I complain because this all seems brand new and different (meaning his niceness) but its not the only difference is that I know what it is now. Its funny because while he's being nice, you can't remember when he was mean and when he's being mean you can't remember when he was nice.
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Post by Elementum on Sept 7, 2013 4:03:10 GMT
Cognitive dissonance. The extremes and trying to make sense of it. It is hard, but with detachment it becomes easier. Be careful not to throw yourself into it emotionally. When Mr. Hyde reappears, it hurts really bad. He will reappear, and the cycles will get shorter and shorter. The mean gets more malignant as well.
Take good care of yourself. You need to to keep balance otherwise we go right down the rabbit hole with them.
A very helpful method, from T and CBT, is to stand back of the situation and observe how You react and interact with your husband. 3rd party view. From there, you can watch the dynamic and make changes. It does work but takes a little practice.
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Post by unicorn on Sept 12, 2013 13:26:37 GMT
Sometimes I just want to rip my hair out. I try to just go day by day. But then something will trigger a memory of something nasty he said or did to me and I will get so unbelievably angry at him. Then he is so damn nice to me! He keeps buying me things, surprising me with stuff. Planning trips that I have been wanting to take for years. Ugh! He keeps apologizing and blaming immaturity for what he did. (And then of course bringing up things that I have done..). The difference is that I just don't really care anymore. If I do something he doesn't like, oh well. (and i don't see that adding towards a healthy marriage at all.) why can't I just stop thinking about it?! Why can't I just focus on today?! Today is fine so far. I have to work, I have lunch with friends, then dinner at my parents. I know that I will see him this evening and he will be nice like he is every night. Why can't I Just get through and stop the obsessing!!!
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Post by Elementum on Sept 12, 2013 15:00:58 GMT
Unicorn, at some point, there is just too much damage. Broken trust is one. You have had a ton of it. Because you SEE it now, you also see all the crap that came before. And at the same time NOW he can act like a human being? Why not before?
Cognitive dissonance is trying to make sense of two diametrically opposing entities/ actions and in this case through a very long time span.
Radical acceptance: Accepting what is right now in front of you. Oddly enough, accepting that it is abusive and you choose/ chose to stay.
*Lovely*, doesn't mean you are "happy" about it though does it?
It's a mindf*ck. It doesn't 'end' until you get out. As he is what he IS and he will revert to full blown eventually. And, your own emotions and the bond has been so tortured...you may not want to be there at all and are simply going through the motions.
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Post by unicorn on Sept 12, 2013 20:58:56 GMT
I think I am just going for the motions and basically waiting for a miracle in a way. I find myself envious of my single friends and their dating life. I don't know what to think about that.
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Post by Elementum on Sept 13, 2013 2:16:00 GMT
Yep, I know what you mean. The totality of what you are truly living is staring you in the face each day and is slowly draining your soul. When the boundaries go UP and you really Feel and See it...it's unnerving in the beginning. Then, you are also aware now of the cognitive dissonance. The more you focus on how these behaviors truly make no sense and are also not loving behaviors of a mate...you just find yourself backing out emotionally. There is lack of reciprocity and it becomes so glaring.  Our PD mates smash all the way into YOU and mangle the whole balance. |
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