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Post by maremma67 on Jul 10, 2013 16:40:33 GMT
You know honey I wouldn't be so hard on you about this if I wasn't sure you have what it takes to get out of this mess and live a normal happy life with your children.Some people are not willing to change themselves and so are doomed to exist in a nightmare forever or until it kills them.You aren't one of them.
You DO have the courage in you to make the changes necessary and what you don't have you can borrow from us. Life is to short to waste any more time being tortured by him.
You know when it comes to being married to these kind of people everything is so warped. Other people say "oh things are looking up for us!" "Oh there is a light at the end of the tunnel!" I saw to them "RUN LIKE HELL!!! That is a freight train coming straight for you"
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Post by CGisNuts on Jul 10, 2013 18:01:41 GMT
^ Agree
Yeah, we are here to support you and that sometimes includes a tug or push. It's only intended to help, not belittle or hurt. We all need a push and people who don't do that are only doing a disservice.
Knowing how hard it is myself, if I got no push, I'd still be there. Besides, you do have it inside you.
And I'm nothing special, I am/was just as scared, but I did it, and so can you.
You have to do it, as hard as it seems, it's gotta be done or else, life will always be like this. From experience, it's a pretty shitty life to live, to be in a home with a PD.
Other sites will yell at posters who give others strong advice.
Maybe OOTF exists so people stay with their PD's. IDK, but you can do it.
Bottom line, life is better
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Post by freetobeme63 on Jul 11, 2013 1:00:36 GMT
Yep life without all that craziness is sooooooooo much better than life with it. Give yourself a chance at a real life. It might seem scary at first steppin out of it but when you do you to will see what it is you been missin. You will see what it feels like to be free to be you. For me it has been the best descision I have made for myself in years. Today makes it four months out of that crap and I have never felt so relieved and free to be myself without someone else tryin to make sure I live under their tyrancy. These folks are tellin ya right.
I just got back from down home visitin with my family and friends. We all went out dancin and had the best time. I didn't have to worry about someone ridin my ass all night about what I was doin and when I would be back in and to bed. I go and come as I damn well please without the prison guard dishin out orders all the while doin his own thing and expectin me to live a standards he himself won't even keep for himself. Who needs that crap? Not me. Sounds like you got real crap you and your kids are dealin with that you don't need in your life. Step on out there and say NO MORE OF THIS CRAP!!!!!!!!!! There is way better to life than what you and your children are livin in right now. You and the kids deserve to live real and free!!!!!! It is within your power to do. Take a deep breath and tell the fear and that man to kiss your butt and go live in his world of lies, manipulation and abuse all by himself cause you prefer to live in the world of TRUTH!!!!!!! |
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Post by maremma67 on Jul 11, 2013 5:11:18 GMT
Indeed Life IS so much better out from under that constant black cloud of fear. I am actually amazed at some of the little things even that are so wonderful now. I wore that armor for so long I didn't even realize just how heavy it actually was. Now that I have been able to take it off I feel like I can even fly!
Mind you I do have physical issues that mess with me but even they are so much easier now to deal with most of the time. The fatigue that plagued me daily is minimized now. I am doing so much more in a single day than I could ever have hoped to be able to pull off before.
I no longer have to use so much mental energy choosing what I am going to do and not do each day. That alone is amazing. I no longer have to ask myself "Do I have enough strength today to force my way through this choice? Now I can JUST DO IT without even having to ask myself this! I no longer have to "count the cost" of my every word and every move I make. I no longer have to "choose my battles wisely". I no longer have to fight to live. I can JUST LIVE.
You know I had a nightmare a long time ago that I woke from knowing full well had serious significance to my life and future.through the front door.(Just a little house I had bought on my own as my safety net in case I ever had to run for it real fast) Everything looked perfectly normal.As I walked through the living room door way it turned into a maze, dark with no light at all. I had to feel my way through it. I became suddenly aware that my daughter was following behind me and I knew I had to get to he end for her sake or she would be forever lost too. Suddenly I came around a corner in this maze and realized I was on the second story and the entire back of the house was completely ripped off. It was completely gone like a tornado had ripped it off. I fell off the edge and hit the ground pretty hard.My body was screaming in pain, I struggled to stand up. There was an invisible force pushing extremely hard on me trying to keep me from getting up much less moving forward. The sky was black over me but I could see if I could just get up this hill of rubble and to the street at the top of it there was sun shining. There was a desperation in me to force my way up there. I HAD to get there. It was do or die not only for me but for my daughter behind me. I struggled with everything in me, fighting against the tornado strength winds blowing me backwards. I was halfway there and collapsed under the force pressing down on me. It was crushing the breath right out of me. I was so exhausted I started to cry. I couldn't get up no way no how. I cried out to God "help me, please God help me I am only halfway there!" I felt so alone and helpless.The desperation was worse than anything I had every felt in my entire life. The life was literally being crushed right out of me. I could not force another breath. It was so bad it woke me up gasping for air.AWAKE I could still feel that horrendous pressure on my chest and I thought for a second I was having an actual heart attack. That nightmare haunted me for YEARS. I woke up not knowing if God had helped me get through that to safety or not.
Well I now know "the end to that nightmare" God gave me the power to get back up even under that crushing weight and fight my way up that hill over all that rubble to the sunshine waiting on the other side. AND my daughter is standing strong right beside me. She followed me right out of her own marriage that was toxic to her too.
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Post by unicorn on Jul 11, 2013 14:00:20 GMT
Thank you!!! I need all this encouragment. All you can give. I did something really hard last night, I sent that list, that I posted previously, to my mom. She kept trying to encourage me to stay w/ him. That the kids will miss him, that divorce is hard. Finally, I was like no, mom, you don't understand because I haven't told you everything. So I sent her the email and told her to read it and that we would talk about it at breakfast this morning. Now she sees. Now she knows she has to help me find a safe way out. That yes nobody wants to get divorced, but also nobody can live like this. I also brought her some jewelry that has sentimental value to me for her to keep at her house, so he can't get to it. I'll start bringing other items over little bits at a time to keep my possessions safe from his destruction and completely out of the "divorce". I'm going to take this list to my therapist when I see her (hopefully this week sometime) and to his therapist that I see in a week and a half. My mom wants to sign me up for a self defense class. I am going to meet with a financial aid advisor this month and make sure I got accepted so I can started working on my bachelors. I'll keep exercising, reading, seeing my friends, trying to live my life the best I can at this moment. And I truly hope that this time next year all this will be behind me (safely).
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Post by freetobeme63 on Jul 11, 2013 21:30:23 GMT
Indeed Life IS so much better out from under that constant black cloud of fear. I am actually amazed at some of the little things even that are so wonderful now. I wore that armor for so long I didn't even realize just how heavy it actually was. Now that I have been able to take it off I feel like I can even fly! Mind you I do have physical issues that mess with me but even they are so much easier now to deal with most of the time. The fatigue that plagued me daily is minimized now. I am doing so much more in a single day than I could ever have hoped to be able to pull off before. I no longer have to use so much mental energy choosing what I am going to do and not do each day. That alone is amazing. I no longer have to ask myself "Do I have enough strength today to force my way through this choice? Now I can JUST DO IT without even having to ask myself this! I no longer have to "count the cost" of my every word and every move I make. I no longer have to "choose my battles wisely". I no longer have to fight to live. I can JUST LIVE. Yep I have noticed so much to. I am not exhausted everyday like I was while in that mess. One thing I remember about those days was that anytime someone asked me how I was doin while on the job, I would tell them "I am tired" and sometimes "I am soooooooo tired". Hell I was exhausted everyday. Like you Maremma67 it felt like I had to count the cost of every word uttered or what I choose to do or chose not to do. Yes I had to choose my battles wisely. One arguement with him could have me messed up and even more exhausted for days. I felt a heavy dark cloud overhead with no end in sight. I never knew what to expect from day to day. I knew I would be goin to worky everyday but that was it. I went to work then back to my room because I had to in order to keep him happy. No shoppin or outside activities until I went home everytwo weeks. He had to go with me always. Even to visit my daughters. I could not talk to anyone (friends or co-workers) outside of work. I didn't let my friends and co-workers know what I was dealin with either. They would think I was out of my mind. I guess I was for dealin with that mess. So yes it is all good now. I have days when a negative thought pops in my head about somethin he said or did but now I know the truth and I just say ERASE and remind myself that all that abuse, lies and manipulation is over and I don't have to deal with the ex anymore. I deserve way better than all that and I can have a relationship built on love, honesty, compassion and respect. There are plenty of men out there that want the same as I do. Don't know what in the world had me convinced he was the only one either but oh well I know he is not. Even if I never enter into another relationship I will always have my family and friends and I am lookin forward to a much brighter future. |
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Post by unicorn on Jul 12, 2013 0:33:52 GMT
oh man... He has me feeling SO confused and fucked up! He sat there and said that his therapist told him that he doesn't need any additional counseling. THat he is aware of his problem and he is fixing it. He told her to he needed to continue to go to counseling anyways. Then he started in on me about my best friend, saying that she just loves misery and she just wants you to be single w/ her because she is miserable. Alll this crap, and I can feel myself start to fall for it and I think, "well maybe he is right' and then another part of me thinks he is brainwashing me and then another part of me is just horrifically confused. I don't know what to do, I just want to cry. I just want this to get easier somehow.
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Post by freetobeme63 on Jul 12, 2013 3:55:24 GMT
Girl that is a load of crap he is feedin you. He has had plenty of time to study you. I heard my ex bpd/npd tell me I don't know how many times he knows me better than I know myself. He has very simply and systimatically been studyin you (your responses and reactions to any given comment he makes). Did you at anytime notice him make a statment and then also notice at the very next moment him make a sideways glance at you to see your expression at his comment? That is part of their manipulation game to keep you confused and distraught. It wears you out to the point you get exhausted and just give in to their demands. It happend all the time with the abuse I got from my ex bpd/npd. He is tryin his damndest to isolate you from your friends (wouldnt want anyone else to influence you against him and his hold over you) and as far as his therapist makin the comment about him not needed further therapy sounds like a load of crap to. He doesn't want to continue therapy. He doesn't want to get help he wants you to SUBMIT to his abuse. JUST SAYIN.
Lord why is it we can see the BS in everybody elses drama and actually need others to lead us out of our drama. Girl since you are still in the thick of it and can't see it as clearly as everyone else, you need to pay attention to others who have been there. It is your life though and we all got to deal with and decide the path we take. I had no choice cause that fool who was dishin out hellacious crap on me nearly drove me to the deepest pit I thought I would never claw my way out of. Don't stay in the pit. Get out anyway you can and live live live!!!!!!! |
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Post by freetobeme63 on Jul 12, 2013 3:59:11 GMT
If you allow someone to kill and destroy your spirit you may as well be physically dead. Don't let someone DESTROY who you are. That is what he is tryin to do to you. That is what that abuse is all about.
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Post by unicorn on Jul 12, 2013 8:45:32 GMT
I don't want to be in this, I know that. It's like right now I literally have two sides to me. One side that falls for his bullshit and thinks, "oh maybe I can get this work and we can all be happily ever after, blah blah blah." Then there is the other side that is screaming and begging and crying to be let out of this marriage and get on with living her life. That is one that sits there and goes, "wow this shit doesn't sound right." I also just woke up from a nightmare (it's 4 am here), my brakes in my car had been cut. I woke up with a start and couldn't get back to sleep. I'm never like that, I usually wake up, roll over and don't remember the dream and fall back to sleep. Therapist appt in 7 hours...
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Post by maremma67 on Jul 13, 2013 5:37:13 GMT
Oh dear! Indeed he is working hard to weave that web around your mind again. Hmm and you didn't even have to give him an inch for it to start coming back out!
Let me tell you what REALLY happened at therapy. HE said he didn't feel that he needed any more therapy that HE can fix all his own problems by himself. The THERAPIST is the one that said NO he still needs to keep going.
HIS solution to "fixing his own problems?" umm going right back to the head games to manipulate you into isolation. He is blaming your best friend for your "new attitude" and your loss of feelings for him.He is seeking to scapegoat HER for the problems HE created for himself with you.He cannot accept any responsibility for what caused you to disconnect from him and no longer have any feelings for him.
If he takes no responsibility then he does not have to make any changes and can continue to stay just the way he was.It is ALWAYS someone else's fault in their minds. If he can just somehow get YOU to "get rid of her" then HE takes no responsibility for that either!He is trying to convince YOU to blame her and let HIM off the hook! THAT is the game he is playing right now. CALL HIM ON IT!
"NO SHE has NOTHING to do with what has happened between you and I" "SHE does NOT want me to be single with her because SHE is miserable.She does not want ME to be miserable PERIOD"
He is the one that wants you to be miserable because HE is miserable. He is just trying to convince you to blame her for that instead of him as well. He wants to scapegoat her for HIS negative desire to see you miserable as well.
Any time they accuse you or someone else of anything wrong or evil, you can be sure it is THEM that feel that,want that or do that negative thing and they are projecting it onto someone else to carry that shame FOR them.
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Post by unicorn on Jul 14, 2013 13:43:10 GMT
Maremma, You are certainly right about the head games. He even admitted that he couldn't hear anything when he tried to listen to my friend and I's conversation. He lied so he could just get me to admit that I talk to her about him.... UGH. I had a somewhat pleasant weekend w/ him again. Which always fucks w. my head. My therapist at least made me feel somewhat better in to basically EXPECT that to happen because I am still living w. him, having sex w/ him, etc etc. I have to remind myself that he should have done this YEARS ago for it to make any difference to me. I kept crying yesterday morning, he didn't know what to do and I told him I didn't want to talk to him about it. He brought me breakfast and kept the kids at bay. It was nice, but again, too little too late. Then I have this overwhelming horrible feeling too. That when I leave him, I'm gonna basically destroy his life and leave him with nothing. This has me feeling bad to the point, where I think, well just stay for a couple more years or maybe till the kids grow up. What the fuck is wrong w/ me I really willing to completely sacrifice my life and my happiness for his well being after the way he has treated me?  ? Another thought in my head.... what about when I am lonely after he's gone? What about when he starts dating again?? I know the good side to getting out of this, but I feel as though I need to start preparing myself for the really hard shit. The good side is that I will be able to sit in my living room on a Sunday morning and do whatever I'd like to do without having to listen out for him. Or delete my computer history. Or dry my tears so he won't ask me. |
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Post by maremma67 on Jul 14, 2013 19:40:59 GMT
I understand how you are feeling.You are worried about destroying his future because of the conditioning to take responsibility for other people.Again I will tell you that YOU did not do that either, HE did. He made his choices and choices have consequences. He made his bed now he must lay in it.
Don't worry about him, they ALWAYS take care of themselves, most often at the expense of other people but HE will be just fine.You have to worry about you and the kids.
You staying till the kids grow up isn't going to spare him anything nor you. As a matter of fact it is only going to make it worse.The longer you stay the more the web tangles around both of you. You staying till the kids grow up will likely make things far worse between you and your kids.
You know the abuse is never going to stop. As soon as he "is sure" his hooks are securely in you again he will be right back to how he always was and your kids are going to be subjected to the same crap as before. They are only tools to him. You know this. keep reminding yourself of this fact. Keep reminding yourself that your children are smarter than you think they are. They could very well wind up resenting you for staying. Especially if he is abusive on any level towards them but even if they are only witnessing his abuse of you it is still going to affect them. One way or the other. They will either learn to be abusive and manipulative or learn to tolerate abuse.You have not been fighting back. You have not been dealing with this crap in a healthy manner so neither will they.They do what they see not what they are told to do.
Lonely? Aren't you ALREADY lonely existing in that nightmare? You will be LESS lonely once you escape and can freely see and speak to your friends and family without fear or guilt. You will be free to make new friends and date as well.You certainly deserve far better than he has ever given you and there are plenty of men out there looking for a good woman.
What about when HE starts dating again? Well as I said, he has likely already BEEN doing that.He just keeps denying it. He has been living just for himself and as if he were single all along.
What is is that you fear? He will actually be able to love someone else and treat them well? Not that that is what is going to happen. He may try to PRETEND that is what is happening to make you jealous or to try to hide his past with you but it will not CANNOT last. He is what he is and his self absorption WILL take over at some point.She will get the same as you did. What's to be jealous of?
Maybe you would feel sorry for the other woman if he managed to trick another good hearted person into a relationship but there is certainly nothing to be jealous of.
Of course irony may strike for you as well and he may wind up with someone that has the same personality disorder as he has. Indeed that seems to be what happened with my husband.Given the situation and how things played out I feel NO sympathy for either one of them.
I DO feel sorry for the man she screwed over to be with my husband. Yeah HIM I feel sorry for. But in the same sense I am sure he is better off too.
You said you wanted to get your bachelors. You have goals in life that should not be put on hold. We cannot get back lost time. it is not likely you are going to get lonely with raising your kids taking care of the house and going back to school while you are working. Hmm indeed not. Your life is going to be full and active and heading for much brighter times. With or without a man at all.
You know I am still even debating if I want to try to get involved with someone else. I have so many things in my life and personal goals I have to consider if I even have TIME for a man in my life. Once you give yourself that opportunity you will likely also be considering the same thing.
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Post by unicorn on Jul 15, 2013 13:05:21 GMT
Oh man, I need you people in my head at all times. = ). Luckily I am at work today and away from the "super" husband. My confusion can be at bay until 5pm. Unfourtunately he and I are going out of town tomorrow (w/ friends) for two days. So God help me. My mom is concerned about him leaving me somewhere, I'll be 6 hours away. I would LOVE for him to leave me somewhere  . I'm going to try to just remain emotionless and try to focus on everything else in my life and keep myself busy while I run the clock down till I can go. |
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Post by unicorn on Jul 18, 2013 20:15:47 GMT
After spending two nice days w/ him... I feel even more confused. So I guess I will just plug along for right now. Luckily I'm pretty busy w/ work and meetings and trying to get set up to take two classes in the fall. I made myself sit down and figure out what my bills will look like after a divorce. And estimated how much daycare will cost me. Then I started looking into different financial assistance options that I can apply for. Looking at how much two bedroom townhomes in my neighborhood rent for.... (I''m in a three bedroom right now). Trying to be proactive. I find myself being terrified of how he will react. How do you become "robotic" I need to cut off my feelings for like the next three years. |
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. I'm going to try to just remain emotionless and try to focus on everything else in my life and keep myself busy while I run the clock down till I can go.