Gaining Perspective

Things I would like to have:
1. friends, being able to go out w/out guilt from myself and interrogations from him (this includes my own mother)
2. a seperate bank acct (don't know how to approach this, without recieving a negative reaction)
3. a landline telephone in the house (in case the kids need it)
4. privacy, he goes through my emails, facebook, text messages and phone call logs. (I really don't know how to approach this with him as he always accuses me of CHEATING)
5. allow me to go to work and not cause me to be late (this has been fine, since he started "good behavior" on 6/17)
6. not call me constantly and allow me to get off the phone when I am ready (this has also been fine since 6/17)
7. allow me to continue to stay on birth control (also not currently at issue)

In the mean time I am going to see his counselor, seperately, on 7/22.

It's long, but this is my list that I refer back to when he is being oh so nice.

2005:
1. While pregnant he went into a rage, ran towards me and then punched the wall behind me
2. Pulled the door off the hinges when I locked myself into the bathroom, after a fight
2005-2008ish:
Took my desk lamp and beat it against the wall in our bedroom until there was a hole straight thru to the bathroom. Have no recollection as to what sparked this.
2008:
Went thru a period of not speaking to me for about a week. I cannot recall the argument that started it, but remember thinking to myself, “how immature..” our oldest was 3 at the time, and could understand what was going on, I felt badly for her.
2010:
He went back to Dr. for the second time, first time was a couple of years ago when Dr. Levine agreed that he was in fact bipolar. He Rxed something the first time that H didn’t like, said he felt like a zombie. The second Rx was better, but eventually he stopped taking that as well.
2010-2011:
I bought the wrong lightbulbs at Lowes. He smashed all the lightbulbs on the ground so that I couldn’t return them, I had to clean them up. Then said, well you go outside and try to figure out how to turn the electricity on, if you do it wrong, you’ll kill yourself. Eventually he went outside and handled it.
February 2011:
Kicked bathroom door in while fighting because I had locked it while using the bathroom.
August 2011:
Went to beach with brother and brother’s friends all day. I was working picked up kids at my mom’s, mowed lawn. I called him later and he said he didn’t know when he would be home, lied to me about not having his mom’s car at the place he was and having to wait on his brother to give him a ride home. I was really angry after he stopped answering my calls and I actually put my kids in the car and drove over there to see if he was lying about his vehicle being at his mom’s house. When he came home around 4-5 am he flipped out on me about my overreaction. He then said he was leaving and started throwing clothes in a bag. Said “why aren’t you stopping me?” I said “what do you want me to do?”. He said “I don’t give a shit about those kids in there, you can explain to them that you’re a bitch and you made me leave.” Made comments about possibly killing himself. Took a guitar off the wall and began bashing in my mirror above my dresser, completely destroyed the mirror, guitar, jewelry box and foot board to my bed. Spent the rest of the weekend telling me that he was going to sell my jewelry that he had bought me so that we could pay off the debt and then go our separate ways. Eventually I had to apologize and come back (left to go to “park”, actually at one of my bro in laws’ house ). By Sunday night his brother and fiancé had come over and were appalled at the damage he had done, he kinda shrugged it all off.
January 2012:
Was told that if I left jelly in the PB jar again, that he would divorce me (serious)
April 7, 2012:
Went out for our anniversary. Everything was fine until we went to go eat late (9pm) found out there was a line for about an hour wait. I was disappointed (may have had an attitude) he said I acted like a complete bitch and I ruin everything that we do together.
April 13, 2012:
Friend was over, I started to fall asleep around 12 or 1, I had only gotten about 3 hours the night before. He came into the room, turned on all the lights and walked out. I then got up, turned off all lights and went back to bed. He repeated this. I went out to the garage where he was sitting with his friend and yelled at him. I said I’ll just sit here then since I’m not allowed to sleep. He was mad that I acted like a bitch. Eventually went to bed without any further interruptions. In the past he has been known to get mad that I fell asleep and then come into the room and slap me in the face to wake me up. Just to keep me awake. Then will say he’s mad because I want to sleep instead of spend time with him. He always has me follow him around the house. I can never just read on my own, or do whatever I want to on my own. It has to fit within his own schedule.
August 15, 2012: (Phone Breaking Incident)
Got angry at me over me not washing a pot in the sink that he had used. I got mad and argued back. The argument escalated until he told me that he had planning on leaving me for three months and would tell his family that I had cheated on him so that they would side with him. I texted that to one of my friends because I was upset.
He then told me that I can’t go to work, because he wouldn’t stay home to watch the kids. He was going to leave right after me. I then said I would call his mother, and have her watch them and explain that he was having issues. I never called his mom so then he took my phone to look at the call list to call me out on my bluff. He saw the text I had sent and got incredibly angry and smashed my phone (iphone in an otter box). I had to call out of work (by email because I didn’t have a phone).
He called his mom and told her that I was more concerned about missing work than our relationship and I could hear his mom on the phone say, “well maybe she doesn’t want to lose her job, Matt.” He went to his parents house for the morning and appeared calmish when he got home later.
August 2012:
Gun incident/Baker Act, etc.
I have been married for seven years and we have three small children. Throughout our marriage there has been times where my husband has gone into rages or made me feel worthless by what he says to me, to the point where others around us ask why I put up with it. His mom used to help me a lot by letting me vent to her and talking about him and even buying me a book about people with bipolar disorder. He has been told by a primary care physician that he has bipolar disorder. He was given several different sets of meds and always got on and then off again after a certain amount of time.
Finally he got into an argument with me one night (although it was mainly him yelling and me trying to diffuse) about how I’m not a good wife/mom, don’t talk enough, done things I shouldn’t have done, etc etc, etc. Then he stood up and said that he was going to kill himself in front of me and he grabbed his backpack where he keeps his handgun (he has a permit to carry) and slid his hand down into the specific pocket that he keeps his gun. I then grabbed the bag and my phone. He told me drop the phone or he would kill me too. I was able to get him to calm down and go to bed. The next morning I get up for work and take my kids to my mom’s (she normally watches them for us one day a week). I then go to work and finally decide to call my husband’s parents because I am so shaken and am certain that I do not want to return to the house that evening. We all decide to Baker Act him. I called the cops and they went to the house where he didn’t answer the door for an hour, but kept calling all of us, which we didn’t answer the phone. He then finally lets the cops in and acts like I’m the crazy one. The cops didn’t take him, and his parents went to get him to bring him to their house and I went to my mom’s. At that point I was pretty sure my marriage was already over anyways. So later on he starts texting and trying to call me. I said I didn’t want to talk to him and he persisted and kept saying how much he loved me, etc. Finally I texted him all the hateful things he always says to me and he says, no I didn’t mean, never meant to make you feel that way.
So I go over to his parent’s house and we work out a deal where he can come back if there are no guns in the house and he seeks treatment. He comes back home a couple of days later. He’s apologetic at first then after being home for awhile he goes into how I made him feel. How I shouldn’t have called the cops, I overreacted, he was thinking about killing himself while the cops were outside, he thought the reason I called the cops was to “get back at him.” Also that I “turned” his parents against him. (He didn’t know that I talked with his mom or about the book she bought me until then).
Long story short he sold some of the guns/ others stayed at parents house. (which I thanked him continuously about). He went to a therapist 3 times each time leaving angrier and angrier ( I don’t know what they discussed, but it was supposed to be more for stress at work, than at home). Now (five months later) he very seldom has good days, he causes a great deal of tension in the house. He constantly points out to me how women are all crazy and if anything concerning police come on TV he has to remind me of everything and how vindictive I am.
Whenever he fights with me, I am constantly calm now, just trying to get through it, or wait until he tires out. The “fights” are really just him telling me how horrible a person I am. He doesn’t feel like he is bipolar anymore, says that he doesn’t think he ever was. I have nothing to compare it to, but what I have seen in the forums. He gets mad at me and the kids particularly our middle child and in front of me he will (and has) destroyed an entire room because he’s angry. He makes me feel like everything is my fault. He tells me that he doesn’t act this way with anyone else in his life so it must be my fault. I believe him most the time. I have friends that I can talk to, to help me rationalize his conversations. I’m trying to hold onto this marriage, but I am now at the point where I need some sort of support group. I am considering seeing a therapist as well (I will have to hide it from my husband, because he doesn’t want me to see one.)

March 2013
Left cell phone in car while picking up toddler at daycare center. I then went home, matt was there and angry because I hadn’t answered my phone. It literally had been about 3 minutes since he called. He told me that I should my phone on me at all times.
He returned home from a trip and interrogated me about what I had done in his absence. Said that I left things out (I had a friend over, Cari). He was angry about that, he was angry that I had talked to one of his brothers. Just outrageous (fight lasted 3 days).
Told me that he didn’t cheat on me in Europe even though he had plenty of opportunity. (made it sound as though he regrets being married, because he can’t “do” any of these types of things). He said that if I continue to screw up, he is going to cheat on me and not tell me about it.
Often goes through my phone, asks me about contacts, facebook messages, text messages, numbers and accuses me of deleting texts (which I do, but I deny to him).
Found that i had looked up verbal abuse online, got very angry. Told me to go ahead and call an atty.
May 2013
Called me about 7 times, while I was away from my desk. (in the bathroom at work) angry that I didn’t answer my phone. Boss noted that it was strange behavior.
June 2013
Got mad at me when I had a friend over. He stated that I didn’t keep a promise to him (when I never made the promise to begin with). He was irate and kept me up all night. I tried to leave and he held me down. He said under his breath, “I just want to beat the shit out of you.” I began to fall asleep as the night progressed and eventually he ordered me to stand, then told me to stand straight so I wasn’t leaning on the bed and then to unfold my arms. He continued the discussion.
Several nights later, he said “oh it would be weird, if you fell out this (2 story) window”. Then, “I could suffocate you with this,” holding pillow. He laughs it off and says that they are jokes.
Got into an argument with me on the phone at work about how I am “short” with him. I need to communicate with him more. I don’t talk enough. He called me on my way to my mom’s to continue to talk to me. He wanted me to cancel dinner at my mom’s and come home to continue talking. I refused. I said you always pull that crap and try to make me cancel. I’m not canceling. So I went to my mom’s finally got off the phone with him (he was crying). Stayed at my mom’s until 8:45 when he shows up, he had called about 4 times and left 7 text messages asking me to call him. I had my phone in my purse in the house and I was on the porch talking to my mom and stepsister.
Stepsister noted immaturity level on him.
I asked him what he wanted to do, he said he would go home, he was just worried. I said, well lets just all go home then.
He kept me up till about 1 am. Telling me how I need to talk to him more. I got so irate that I started screaming and told him to leave me alone and let me sleep. He finally left the bedroom, I heard a noise as though he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was ok and he said, “don’t let me keep you awake”. I went to sleep.

Went nuts on him the following weekend and starting screaming at him about everything he has ever done. He apologized and seemed to be in shock. He said he would change, the next day, he was mopey and snide. After that I asked him for a separation, he begged and pleaded to be given one more chance. I gave in.
The following weekend, we took the kids to the movies. Then he took me on a date on Sunday. We had a nice time, he seemed very pleasant, even happy. Found myself wondering if this could really work, if he could really change.
A couple of nights later, he seemed on edge with me, but didn’t get mad.
June 29, 2013
Had his brother, sister in law over. Talked about how extensive the child abuse was, while they were growing up. I never knew how bad it was.
Later on in the evening, Michelle, her fiancée, Austin and Kristen all came over while Bill & Sarah were still there.
While Kristen and I were on the front porch alone, we were talking about him. We heard footsteps above us. Later after everyone had left he said that listened to our conversation. He was mad that I never told him that I talked to Kristen about him. I said you always get angry, so I just assume I’ll lie to you until you stop being angry. He called me a pathological liar.
I told him (for the third time) I don’t have feelings, I feel empty inside. I don’t know that this will work. We went to bed. Everything was fine the next day, he let me sleep in and we went to visit my grandma.

Umm no honey that is not bipolar disorder making him such a total violent abusive control freak jackass. No way.I know COUNTLESS patients and even personal people in my life that are bipolar and it is NOT common to them to be violent, smash things,and threaten to kill OTHER people. No indeed not. THAT is his personality disorder.
Iam going to have to get ready for work here soon but I am nowhere NEAR done with this discussion. Boy am I ever steaming mad! HUM I wish I could come right through this computer and give that boy a good ole fashioned ass whooping.

FYI honey he has already cheated on you, he will do it again too. He keeps accusing you out of his own guilt for what HE himself has done. It never failed EVERY time my husband accused me it was because HE was chasing after some other woman again. NEVER failed, NOT ONCE.

Unicorn...your H is fooked in the head. I will second Maremma67, much of what you write, I have dealt with as well.

This is the easiest one to start with. He will go up like a stinking rocket...but do it. Go to the police and get a record...you do NOT have to live with this shit. It's a goddamn horror show . I know. I lived it a great deal of it...and that's only scratching the surface of this shit.

I am with it's conditioning. Each time in the past you wanted to go out with friends, you paid in spades for it. I know I did. And now, forcing yourself out the door feels almost strange waiting for the heel to crush your neck.

They don't change over night or in a few weeks/ months. Given the crap that your H has pulled? And knowing mine?? The hoover is only going to last for so long as you remain detached...but as you are in that zone of detachment, you will start to see how very little of what makes a relationship a beautiful thing even exists. It doesn't. It's void of empathy, caring, concern , tenderness the desire to understand the other. He's worried about himself only. Not you.

I am seeing this, thankfully.  At least I can see what he does now.  A strange thing I have noticed, and I maybe repeating myself.  I feel "foggy" when I am at home and around him.  I feel clear and focused, when I am not.  I feel like myself when I am not around him.

Being out of a PD marriage for awhile, I can tell you that "better" is not the word for is. I'd say F_cking Amazing is more like it.



But I do know how hard it is, and being out it's even more clear.



The main thing is that you never have the time or space to think clear. It's constant chaos, so everything is always upside down. The little time things are right, you worry about the Next, the next time the PD comes home, calls, texts, etc., and your always stressing about that. About what IS GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT, so the space and time to think clear is none.



It's really hard to "put a sentence together" when you are ALWAYS stressing about the "words to use", so clear thought and time to plan is none.



In a way you are always on the hamster wheel, trying to chase the ability to have peace and maybe even plan something out.



It's that hard to leave because your mind is just trying to live through each day. All journaling, writing, talking to and seeing help (lawyer, fiend, website) is almost none because you have to worry about using either code words or calling when the PD won't catch on.





Then there is the stockholm syndrome which seems to really come into play. Even when it's "over" you still battle that. It's subconscious I think, the years of abuse is so ingrained in us that we have work to do after, but trust me, if you can do it and go, you'll be able to start having a life.