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Post by CGisNuts on Oct 23, 2013 17:37:36 GMT
The whole thing comes to one VERY IMPORTANT conclusion:
Being able to have the financial resources to live where you want. To not be guided by lack of funds and accept restrictions.
But in the middle of a divorce and remaking a life I think I did okay.
When the lease is up or even before I'd like to be in a different spot. If I leave early I will pay her the rent till end of lease if I can get to that position. Even use as a second home, a work getaway.
It's nice, but to set back from the hustle and bustle of an active town. Good getaway spot to sink deep into a project. has allot of potential though, just needs allot of time, which I don't have. I'm not sure if they'll put in the time either as my landlord is allot like me, so immersed in work and business, and she travels for business allot.
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Post by Elementum on Oct 24, 2013 17:56:24 GMT
It sounds like you did great! Work and finances will improve, just takes time. Similar battle here, but still the last leg wrt divorce looming over my head and the unknown departure date. Just rattling my nerves these last weeks. The situation is depressing the whole of it, and I still feel like lowest form of a maggot for filing but he will not ever do it.
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Oct 24, 2013 18:17:45 GMT
Mea, it's not like you didn't warn him. I know in the PD world nothing is true unless they think of it first but that's their tragedy not ours.
CG, keep moving forward, you're doing well.
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Post by Elementum on Oct 24, 2013 19:12:59 GMT
True, he also threatened me with if for years before I turned the tables on him as well. Doesn't matter which way the cookie crumbles the blame will be on my head. And this time it was his idea, and I agreed. So, what else to do? Feel like a beast and I know he is going to feel that he was blind sided. As bizarre as that may seem. I am not looking forward to him being here when the reality of it really starts to set in. He's not mentioned divorce to me once in email or on the phone. It's like...everything is "fine" but the paper work went in Sept. It will not be good, this I know. Bad. Just bad. Don't know why he doesn't simply bellow at me to ship him his stuff. He knows I would do it.
CG, how much longer will it take for your divorce processing to be finalized? I still have to chase the lawyer here on that. Not sure how long it usually takes.
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Oct 24, 2013 19:26:51 GMT
Mea, please be careful. He may be waiting until he's face to face with you to blow his top. Let's hope he's just moved on to someone else and really doesn't care but please stay alert, he's not trustworthy.
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Post by CGisNuts on Oct 24, 2013 20:38:21 GMT
PD'S have their warped sense of reality (ie what my wife did to me and now thinks it's nothing). So they don't ever take any responsibilty.
ER is right, hope he found a new supply.
Why would you feel like a maggot? You only are doing what you need to so you can live a happy life.
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Post by Elementum on Oct 25, 2013 3:14:59 GMT
ER
That is what worries me.
I know, and can not get through to him on that ever. I don't know what he has done wrt new supply. I have only proof of one time cheating, but I know there are things that have happened and I have no proof. Only his weird reactions towards me when he would come home and the accusations. Maggot? Because it will hurt him. I am his rock. He is leaving Europe right now to get away from the chaos that is there. He hasn't been able to sleep and is sick. He's not sure what is going on with him, but is feeling really bad. Then talking about the usual work situation and changes he wants to make etc.etc. I have been his support along the way, when he wasn't certain or worried or whatever, I am the one he leans on. He knows that, I am there.
I'm home. I'm safe, I'm sanctuary. Or I was. Years ago, he was in tears one night and so grateful, crying, you accept me, you understand. And I did. But, I can't take the abuse. He doesn't see the problem. And I ache for the little boy inside that is hurting, and his mom, the BP is still driving him nutz at this age as well. I can be angry and rightfully so for all the abusive crap, and I am, but the hurting unit under that? I cry like a baby and can't take that pain away for him. I cannot fix this marriage, I know that. But, I feel his pain and that is what messes me up. How to add more to that and not feel like a maggot?
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Oct 25, 2013 16:24:31 GMT
Mea, I absolutely know where you are coming from and all of these years I have battled MYSELF over those same arguments. In fact here recently I have been thinking to myself how my life isn't so bad, he doesn't hit me anymore unless I trigger him really bad, I may have to nag him a lot to get the things I need because he panics if I take the truck out alone but he eventually comes through, it's okay that he ignores me 99% of the time because he's gone and has better things to do with more interesting people that me and I quite like being alone, besides, I can't bring myself to crush him like he's been crushed so many times before I came into his life.
Yep, it's okay that he keeps me locked away like a prisoner, ignores me, takes off every day for 12 hours at a time to hang out with his friends and work on his race car, it's okay that if I become demanding that he gets frustrated and screams at me and calls me names, it's okay that if I want to go somewhere alone I get read the riot act and threatened with violence if I leave just so long as that hurt little boy deep inside is taken care of and not put through anymore pain and suffering.
I called a crisis councilor once and went through the whole spiel telling her all of the things he does to hurt me and that I felt so guilty and crummy for wanting to leave because he is like a hurt and lost little boy. Her response to me was "That hurt and lost little boy is living in a grown mans body and he's hurting you, someday he may kill you. You cannot be his mother and his wife." Sadly, I still battle with myself as you well know but I have gained a lot of strength from you, yes you, Mea.
You have encouraged me to believe in myself, to believe I deserve better than he gives me, that I deserve to live my life the way I choose and to live it free from harassment. You cannot be your husbands wife and mother. We all have to learn how to pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off when life knocks us down. Sometimes we are blessed with a kind person who will offer a helping hand but when we start abusing that kindness they are no longer obligated to offer it.
You, CG, I, no one can continue in a r/s with someone who constantly drains and weakens us for their benefit. PD's are emotional vampires and we are their life source but, we are never given the chance to replenish ourselves because we must take care of them at the cost of our own lives. He doesn't need you for anything but what you can provide for his ego.
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Post by CGisNuts on Oct 25, 2013 17:00:59 GMT
ER, he uses the poor little boy to ensure his other actions don't end it. You better believe he;s afraid of losing you, and will use worse games to keep you.
They know which buttons to push and when to push them, they also have a "just in case" defense mechanism if they sense their hold on you is in danger.
I used to wonder why someone so smart in ways can be so stupid overall. That she is so good at being a PD yet can't tie her shoes. It must be ingrained in them and like second nature.
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Post by Elementum on Oct 25, 2013 17:30:36 GMT
Thank you ER, I know and agree. Spent this evening out with my GF, she also had a psycho nut job which she left years ago. Good to talk with her. She knows the angst. What my mind still grapples with, Why he wants to be with me, remain in this farce of a marriage, when I have made it clear, that I do not want him and it is very clear that any loving feelings are dead? The last time he was here it was awful. Not violent or screaming crap, just the general temperature and miasma of contempt and disregard could be cut with a knife. Really, according to him I am a prostitute, whore and pretty much every other vile insult you can imagine, Who would want to be married to that? And, why did he have to be so amazing in the beginning? And, I am very much aware that it will not ever be like that again. It's dead in the water. I don't feel the same at all. And I am not one to "fall in love" at first sight or any of that bs either. Nor do I fall out any faster. This has been years. 4 weeks in the last 12 months together. 11 months separate. I have not minded it at all. Dreading him coming home. There is not a known departure date and that is grating as well. Thanks for reading my whining. This is just bugging me on so many levels.  I read you loud and clear there ER. It's taken time to get this even close to being able to fly the plane so that I don't crash into a mountain. Now? I can do it. Before? I was heading straight for the ocean and sinking. I need him to go. The papers are already filed. Period. No turning back. What he does, is up to him. But, I am not his wife. Period. I will treat him with common decency as I would anyone else. But if he crosses the line? I will do my utmost not to fire back in kind, as I could care less anymore, but I don't want it to escalate. When he rages? There is no stopping him. If he starts drinking? I am screwed. If he hits me? I charge him, get an RO and hopefully they will force him out. I just want him to leave me alone. How many times have I asked / told him that? Countless, and that is exactly what he has not ever done. Not sure what the deal is with him wanting to remain married to Satan's slut and whore. I got it all going on. lol and the cause of cancer in the world. I mean, I am really that bad and then some.
He will know what he lost, same as last time. This is the last time. NO more "one more chance.." |
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Oct 25, 2013 18:00:01 GMT
You are right CG and I am well aware of the games he plays to keep me right where he wants me. He tells me that he is afraid of losing me and that he doesn't know where he would be or where he would end up if I was not in his life. He says that I keep him grounded and on the straight and narrow.
I know I am his moral compass as his seems to be faulty and I am positive that I do keep him grounded because I know where he was when we met and I know he would resort to that lifestyle if I left. It was not a healthy lifestyle by any means and he was headed for an early grave.
He is a master illusionist and by the time he revealed his true colors I was far too invested in him and us to just give up and walk away. I do have the fear that if I leave he will either kill himself or live a lifestyle that leads to an early death and it doesn't help that his mother frequently sings my praises for "saving" her son from himself. She touts me as his saving grace, his rock in the storm, the reasonable one and yadda yadda yadda. I can't control what he does, he is his own person and makes his own choices. Sure, I can influence him to a point but it still comes down to what HE chooses to do regardless of anyone's input.
Things are about to get very tense but interesting around here come next month. I am going to be pushing all of his buttons and triggering him left and right. He will either conform or he will just be one miserable son of a bitch. His feelings right now are the least of my worries, I have boundaries to set and new rules to enforce.
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Oct 25, 2013 18:06:42 GMT
Mea, you cannot possibly be Satans' Slut and Whore, that's MY job and NOBODY is better at it than me, LMMFAO! I know where you're coming from, keep your phone on you and don't hesitate to call the police if he even looks like he's going to do something. The only reason he won't go away is because you have challenged him. He knows you're slipping away and that motivates him to hold on tighter because in their minds they never lose.
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Post by Elementum on Oct 26, 2013 1:57:46 GMT
CG
That has me worried. He must know by now. How can he not? How can he even be "happy?" I think he has been having second thoughts in a huge way about a lot of things.
Weird or not? Years ago, stbx said I made him a better man. He was drinking hard but had stopped for quite a while, but then picked it up again. His excuse: I love you more than you love me, look what you make me do. Talk about a head screw. That floored me. And he was the one that was cheating?
Be very careful. Yours has you trapped out there.
Teehee, Satan's Twin Sister Sluts. Divorce is a challenge? More like the death blow. Challenge was to treat me like a human being. Common decency which he couldn't do. Sometimes. But triggered? And it was pure psycho screaming rages over what??
Out of curiosity I am really wondering what are things in a r/s that are worth screaming about? Infidelity, blowing hard earned cash on bs and especially when it's from the joint acct and not for the household as agreed. Driving drunk. Drugs.
Any others? Those I would scream about.
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Oct 26, 2013 3:03:53 GMT
Oh I see a very naughty nickname emerging for us LOL! Yeah divorce is a challenge because YOU made the move. At least now he can treat you like shit and play the victim while he uses everything in his arsenal to hoover you. The only way he won't try to hoover you is if he has someone waiting in the wings to take your place or someone HAS already taken your place.
It should never be a challenge for someone to treat you with respect and dignity. As for things to scream about? If you are in a normal, functional, loving r/s there is nothing to scream about but a r/s with anything other than a "normal" person it's anything goes.
Just be very careful, okay? You've grown on me and I would miss you a lot!
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Post by Elementum on Oct 26, 2013 3:37:49 GMT
Heehee...Terrible nick name, but heck, we've heard worse!!!  you've grown on me too in a very good way ER. We'll get ourselves out of this mess. I think he just maybe finds replacements along the way. I mean who the heck knows? I have no proof. But this time, he was out in the stix but doesn't really mean much. True. So little is functional in this r/s. Instead of improving over time, it got worse. How sad is that? Better for me in that I was not cringing on a constant basis wondering when the next bomb would go off, because it was only matter of time, and when it went off...I left. Nothing I can do about it. Before? I was a wreck!! Deserve better than that. It's really scary to really really see how much was deliberate manipulation and long term too and I was such a trusting idiot! My mom saw it before I did even. And she's not ever been here. How stupid I was!!! |
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