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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Oct 17, 2013 20:14:18 GMT
Here I go with the weird dreams again. Damn I hate taking Zoloft lol! I don't like the dreams I have had for the past few nights. They all center on someone I admire very, very much but in the dreams he is always shunning me and making out with other women. He is aloof with me and judgmental. I found this on my fave dream interpretation site; Shun
To dream that you are shunning someone indicates that there is some aspect of yourself that you are also rejecting or refusing to acknowledge.
To dream that you are being shunned signifies a lack of self-worth. You feel alienated. Alternatively, the dream means that you are being too agreeable and accommodating to the point where your own sense of self is lost. You need to be more assertive and learn to say no to others.
I sure do hate the way it leaves me feeling when I wake up. I don't really feel alienated I rather enjoy being alone although I do get cabin fever from time to time lol. I do suffer with feelings of worthlessness but I guess that will always be for me. I am more than assertive with people and have learned how to say no almost too well lol. I guess it could represent, in my situation at least, how my husband has left me feeling many, many, many times. I have never felt loved by him nor have I ever felt true love from him. He clings to me like a child to his mothers skirt and he often just leaves me feeling cold and used up.
I want to go back to my happy dreams. |
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Post by Elementum on Oct 18, 2013 2:42:10 GMT
Bizarre. What do you admire about him? The way he is treating you? Sounds like a  Dump him. Let his latest victim keep him. Let her take the Blue Pill. No, I don't think so. You find and communicate with the core and you will know differently. Interesting. have you noticed that the religions and groups that practice shunning are rather fcked up to begin with? Once you start questioning the premises for their 'beliefs' and the roots of the organization it all becomes mysterious BS and you/ we are to accept it on the basis of faith? But who is doing the pontificating? People are assigned roles and expectations of the Great Mother Org. But what is the basis and the purpose? Similar to my latest "ban" hehehe there is a false appearance of unity in the upper echelon, when it is anything but and has been for years. The true Brains of the ops left. Was unwilling to go along with the Chief Priest but played the role, and departed. What is left is the skeleton crew rehashing the previous Brain's old information and the place has very much gone down hill and the PTB do not want that to come out. Red Pill. Shunning is often the realm of the religious zealots to keep people in line through humiliation. Preach love of God and fellow man and treat your own people like shit because they don't bow down to the warped writings in a book being re interpreted in such a manner that there is usually one that reaps the benefit$. Pass Who would want to be a member of such a group? This is another one that is interesting, no one can make you "worthless" it's a feeling. And temporary , they may treat you as though you are of no worth, but they cannot make you feel that. It's not true anyways so there is no point to internalize his projections. What is your interpretation of this: 09:16www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=SWlyvYl_czgIf you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to. If you are not afraid of dying, there is nothing you cannot achieve. Lao Tzu Sent it to someone I knew years ago, but he has since swallowed the Blue Pill. I don't want to talk to his masks.  |
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Oct 18, 2013 3:50:49 GMT
It's just a dream. I guess it's my subconscious trying to work all of this crap out to a resolution. I think too much. I over-analyze everything. I need to relax but I feel like an over-wound rubberband. I have all of this potential energy and I'm just sitting here like a lump on a log. I had another very weird dream during my nap today with lots of symbolism meaning basically the same thing as this and a few other different things.
I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I'm trying to work up the courage to defy my husband and take my damn truck to go get groceries. It also has a lot to do with me wanting to just get the hell out of Dodge and start my life over free from all the bullshit. I have been in suspended animation for 20 years and I'm not getting any younger. I want to be free from the things that hurt me, I want to regain control of my life, I want to be independent again. I want to go out and LIVE!
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Post by Elementum on Oct 18, 2013 4:01:39 GMT
 Every rebellion has a starting point. Take the truck and get the groceries. What's the worst he can do? Shit himself? Go to the cops. You have every right to drive a truck to get groceries. And...he knows it. What is really stopping you? Fear? His psycho BS? |
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Oct 18, 2013 12:08:32 GMT
I know I have every right but what concerns me is that he will come unhinged.
If he hears the truck start up he will run out of the house and try to stop me by making a scene and if I ignore him and just pull out to leave he will make a bigger scene. He will either scream, curse and threaten then call me non-stop on the phone, try to jump behind the truck or grab onto it in an attempt to make me stop, call the police and have me pulled over for no insurance (since he refused to pay the insurance back in March and allowed the policy to lapse and has refused to get new insurance), throw something at the truck or jump on the damn thing in an attempt to stop me.
I can drive away from the yelling and screaming, I can turn the phone off, he can throw whatever at the truck, he can call the cops and get me in serious trouble and if he jumps on the truck he had better hang on for dear life. It's more the AFTER that frightens me because he will disable the truck from then on and I'll pay hell ever getting a chance behind the wheel again besides the fact that I will NEVER hear the end of it. He would also start his hovering over me like a hawk whereas now he barely remembers that I exist until he wants something or when he takes off for half the night and calls to "check on me to be sure I'm okay and ask if I need anything from the store"
If it had insurance on it I wouldn't be as hesitant but would still be scared to death to come home.
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Post by Elementum on Oct 18, 2013 13:58:39 GMT
Count on it. He will. Plan for it. Then you are not surprised by his antics. He may even do nothing. Then what? All that worry for no reason. 1. Driving without insurance? He is a stun bunny or not? Fair enough, but then if he calls the cops, he is stuck paying the fine for doing so, and he will look like a total retard for doing so. And you have the right to drive anywhere , any damn time you want to. If they impound the truck. He screws himself as well. PD"s don't think about the consequences of their actions. He wants control NOW, but real life, doesn't work like that. There are checks and balances that will mess with his idealized view of the world whether he likes it or not. USE THEM to your advantage. 2. Scared to death to come home. I know that one well. Call the cops. You have the right to feel SAFE in your own damn home. That is One thing I blew my stack about at his Royal BSness. That is also one thing that irritates the hell out of me. I cannot feel safe in my own damn home? That is rather fucked up. I WILL feel safe in my own home. Tell the cops. Have a lovely recording device ready to go to catch the threats. He has a record with the child porn shit, let him hang himself. Fear. It's insidious stuff ER. It strongly influences your thoughts/ choices without even realizing at times. Push through it. It's nerve wracking as hell. Stomach wants to projectile vomit the contents. BTDT. DO IT anyways. The first few times? Knees may want to buckle under you, push through it. Gets easier each time. Till one day, you look back and wonder WTF you were ever afraid of. Inalienable Rights:
Not subject to sale or transfer; inseparable.
That which is inalienable cannot be bought, sold, or transferred from one individual to another. We did that along the way....due to FEAR. Screw That. Who made the ar$e's we married God? After all the shit, they have done to us? And that which we allowed? Think about it...
Universal Declaration of Human Rights |
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Oct 18, 2013 15:17:49 GMT
I've been seriously considering just giving up and conceding that he won, I lost and just live out the rest of my life as happy as I can. Either that or I become an alcoholic drug addict. Either way I'm fucked.
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Post by Elementum on Oct 18, 2013 15:55:39 GMT
Whoa, where is this coming from ER?
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Oct 18, 2013 17:01:45 GMT
It's coming from the constant frustration of being imprisoned in my home and hearing every fucking excuse under the fucking sun why I can't leave my motherfucking house!!!!
Once a-fucking-gain he comes up with a fucking excuse as to why I can't go grocery shopping. Can you believe this one?! I woke him up too late and he has to go to his buddy's place in an hour.
When the sorry motherfucker gets home tonight I am getting in my motherfucking truck and I am going to go grocery shopping!!! I am sick to fucking death of him, his lies and his fucking excuses and YES, I SAY FUCK A LOT!!!
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Oct 18, 2013 17:16:09 GMT
That's okay, I'm fixing to fuck up his day but royally. I have an account with Schwans and I can just go online, pick what I want and have it delivered for less than $2 buckaroos. Fuck him, he ain't gonna outsmart me but I sure am gonna piss him off.
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Post by Elementum on Oct 18, 2013 17:25:45 GMT
 Being trapped without a means to get the heck away would drive me bonkers. Have that extra set of keys stashed away somewhere? Yes, the F bomb, because it's such a nawty word carries such a great deal of frustration and pent up emotion out of the body. It's terrible, but it does. Not a bad thing. Better than drinking. Swearing. Sue me.  Soon this BS will be over for you too. Keep your mind focused on the end goal. |
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Oct 18, 2013 17:48:34 GMT
It won't be over soon enough and there's going to be a blow up I feel it coming and it's going to be me blowing up.
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Post by Elementum on Oct 19, 2013 3:35:14 GMT
Read about that years back, women in abusive situations, when the tension was building, would instigate the blow up. Why? No more wondering "when" then it was calm, they'd had some control over the timing and it was back into the cycle of the calm before the storm.
I can see the Why, but I sure didn't want to follow that route myself. Too volatile and then it really would have been my "fault."
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Oct 19, 2013 17:37:34 GMT
I'm not worried about fault, I know where my heart is and it is not to do harm. I ended up just snapping at him yesterday and telling him exactly what I was going to do and he could accept it or fuck off because it didn't matter either way. Funny how when I use my "mommy voice" he backs off.
I just sat own from a marathon grocery shopping trip. I got to the store at 10:30 am, cashed out one cart because it couldn't hold another thing then went back for more and didn't leave until 12:10. I got home at 12:20 and JUST sat down now from putting it all away. An hour and 40 at the store and an hour and 10 to put it away.
He didn't say this but I know he is "punishing" me because he stayed up alllllllll night until I got up at 9am. It was then that he went to bed so I would have to go shopping and haul everything out to the truck and then into the house alone. He thinks he has me fooled but that's okay I need the exercise and although I am sweating like a pig at slaughter, my back and neck are killing me and I have a massive headache coming on I am content. I got what I wanted and it's a victory for me.
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Post by Elementum on Oct 19, 2013 21:18:03 GMT
Groceries!! And he didn't freak. Yay!
How's the headache?
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