Post by Elementum on Sept 30, 2013 19:32:23 GMT
Ever get that nauseating feeling? It's been hanging around for a while, and been tracking it back to "Walking on eggshells" from years back. Knowing that it was pretty pointless to guess his moods and something, heck knows what , would set him off and another round of chaos would materialize to ruin the day. Worse than a Swiss watch.
This whole feeling then ties into Boundaries, as when he couldn't get the right reaction out of me, which was to get me upset. Which he even Admitted! to me, he would keep pushing and pushing verbally to get a rise out of me. The whole "walk away" part became a dangerous game. As I was not "allowed" to walk away. There was only a "time out" when I ran for it. Which wasn't exactly easy or convenient either as he would start this sort of crap up even on a plane.
Along with that is the physical boundary. A meter away from me. He can be pissed off all he wants, a meter away from me. Do you know how hard it is to maintain that boundary? yeah....it was a dance of moving this way and that to stay out of range. And when I asked him to " Back up" well...that was waving the red cape. He would surge in. So, this is kind of where I think a great deal of the recent emotional crap is coming from. More precise: Fear.
He feeds on it. Have seen that. He gloats and that makes me sick. I won't let him feed off me. If I cried, he fed off that too. Just a vicious bastard when that happened. He hasn't seen my tears in years. He won't as I would rather chew glass than give him the satisfaction. The other thing, and this is a small problem, confrontation doesn't bother me. Normal confrontation. That's easy to solve with any non substance abusing or sane human [ not a PD]. Him? eh...no. Still won't back down, and neither will I run anymore. [ if I have to and he totally psychos? out of there like my ass is on fire ] Which circles back to the not knowing.
Something with my thinking is going off here, I know and accept Fear. That's kind of obvious, also, I won't back down, and I wont' feed the beast in kind or not. Stone wall him on it. i.e. I don't hear, it has no validity [ it doesn't so I don't care anymore either, he can say whatever he wants] the lack of reaction, is what causes the ramp up to the violence, the throwing crap at me and shoving around...and that is the problem. Ah hah...problem solved. I already know this, but...now I know why it's eating at me.
My own ECF, he touches me in anger the switch flips. shit shit shit
Catch 22
This whole feeling then ties into Boundaries, as when he couldn't get the right reaction out of me, which was to get me upset. Which he even Admitted! to me, he would keep pushing and pushing verbally to get a rise out of me. The whole "walk away" part became a dangerous game. As I was not "allowed" to walk away. There was only a "time out" when I ran for it. Which wasn't exactly easy or convenient either as he would start this sort of crap up even on a plane.
Along with that is the physical boundary. A meter away from me. He can be pissed off all he wants, a meter away from me. Do you know how hard it is to maintain that boundary? yeah....it was a dance of moving this way and that to stay out of range. And when I asked him to " Back up" well...that was waving the red cape. He would surge in. So, this is kind of where I think a great deal of the recent emotional crap is coming from. More precise: Fear.
He feeds on it. Have seen that. He gloats and that makes me sick. I won't let him feed off me. If I cried, he fed off that too. Just a vicious bastard when that happened. He hasn't seen my tears in years. He won't as I would rather chew glass than give him the satisfaction. The other thing, and this is a small problem, confrontation doesn't bother me. Normal confrontation. That's easy to solve with any non substance abusing or sane human [ not a PD]. Him? eh...no. Still won't back down, and neither will I run anymore. [ if I have to and he totally psychos? out of there like my ass is on fire ] Which circles back to the not knowing.
Something with my thinking is going off here, I know and accept Fear. That's kind of obvious, also, I won't back down, and I wont' feed the beast in kind or not. Stone wall him on it. i.e. I don't hear, it has no validity [ it doesn't so I don't care anymore either, he can say whatever he wants] the lack of reaction, is what causes the ramp up to the violence, the throwing crap at me and shoving around...and that is the problem. Ah hah...problem solved. I already know this, but...now I know why it's eating at me.
My own ECF, he touches me in anger the switch flips. shit shit shit
Catch 22
I am going to crack. 
