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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Sept 25, 2013 21:17:46 GMT
I hear ya Unicorn. Mine mil has 3 boys ages 45(my H), 42(her favorite) and 28. All three of them have major issues. My H is a BP/BPD/Pedo, the second one has been married three times, has 7 kids,is a pathological liar, cheater and sex addict, the youngest has never left home, pays no bills nor does anything for himself, he does however have a job which is amazing.
I hate how she plays favorites with her boys, her middle son is her golden child but she will still play favorites with them depending on what they do for her. The whole family is mental.
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Sept 26, 2013 0:19:03 GMT
I read something on "the other site" about Christians and being married to a PD, specifically it was about the verse in 1 Corinthians about love. I know the verse and it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks...why do I never consider that the rules ALSO APPLY to everyone else and NOT JUST ME? I am always seeking to fix my wrongs but I allow others to treat me any way they choose and get away with it. I am a Christian, albeit not a perfect one but I do my best so, why do I have to follow all the rules and my H doesn't? Here I've been struggling with my faith for years and feeling so ashamed and guilty for even THINKING of leaving my husband. I have been beating myself up when all along it was right there in the scriptures that HE HAS been breaking all the rules. I have read that scripture several times and I have always applied it to myself but, my husband has as much responsibility to love me as I love him and if he can't or won't then I'm not obligated to stay with him. Oh glory be this stuff just wrecks my head!  1 Corinthians 13:4-8 New International Version (NIV) 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails. |
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Post by Elementum on Sept 26, 2013 7:00:02 GMT
Unicorn, that is a horrible fact. When you come to realize, that your PD mate "needs" you, the balance shifts. It's a rotten lousy feeling. Then the behaviors become predictable. And you also realize that you are a Thing, more like a pacifier. Not a person with emotions ,depth and dreams.
How are you doing Unicorn? Haven't seen you posting for a while. Freetobeme and Maremma as well. Hope they are well.
Yep...2 way street. Not with a PD.
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Post by unicorn on Oct 10, 2013 21:12:41 GMT
Eleanorrigby,
I have a framed wedding photo with the quote from 1 Corinthians surrounding it. And as I was looking at it one day a couple of months ago, it really hit how his love didn't reflect it at all. It was funny to me that you brought that up.
MeaCuratio,
I am doing well! I have been so busy lately (all good things for me, not for other people). My husband is (surprisingly) still doing very well. He has been very active and helpful with the family. He has been working and is now trying to figure out how to finish school. I am busy at work, taking two classes, got involved in an organization in my job field. Also reading, sewing, cooking, running. THings that I always put off because I had to do whatever he needed. I do at times feel my codependency creep up on me. I am trying very hard to keep that away. I need to go see my therapist again. Also we have that marriage counseling thing this weekend. We have planned a trip this month to visit my family up north (which has NEVER happened in 8 yrs of marriage). So things are good at the moment. I still have lots of struggles and I probably need to gather my thoughts and compose them on another thread.... But I will get to that. = )
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Post by Elementum on Oct 11, 2013 1:50:43 GMT
 Good to see you Unicorn and better to see that life is leveling out for you. Keep up the great work!! |
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Post by CGisNuts on Oct 11, 2013 16:30:23 GMT
Wow Eleanor, wow.
My stbEx MIL and FIL hated me, and ignored me, even while in their home at the dinner table.
Being that the Divorce is almost final, and my wife wants me to take her back, they come to mind, in that my wife found their behavior acceptable, even demanding I sit there and take it, to "make me happy".
So, why would I want to deal with that again. No thank you, I have pride and will not tolerate that.
It really blows my mind how these people behave the way they do.
And PD's accept it, and blame us for all the crap.
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Oct 11, 2013 17:37:02 GMT
I know CG, my life is a train wreck on a good day lol. I really cannot wait to be free from this insanity, it grates on me more and more each day. We so often look at our PD partners and think it's just them with the problem but, if we bother to look beyond them to their FOO we will find the real source. And hell, it goes back even farther than that!
Unicorn, I have read and reread and reread that verse and have always felt that I was failing at doing the things I am supposed to do as a wife. I have always believed that if I was doing it right my H wouldn't treat me the way he does. I'm an idiot lol I am so concerned with screwing up that I hardly see when others are taking advantage of me. I am trying to re-wire my brain now so that I am not taking the brunt of the blame and responsibility for other ppls faults and failures. I have enough of my own to be concerned with I sure don't need any extra besides, I'm not Jesus, I can hang on a cross and die but it won't save anyone, not even me.
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Post by CGisNuts on Oct 11, 2013 21:11:15 GMT
If/Once you ladies are out, things are better. But with child, the PD will always be in our lives.
I'll use my experience to illustrate, not trying to hijack the thread.
Bottom line is they never take ownership of their actions, and no matter how serious (arrest, not seeing kid for 84 days, blackballed in community), it's never their problem or it's no big deal.
That is the problem, ownership of one's actions. In my case, she really thinks after all she's done it's possible to work things out. Even after the full 6 months of tracking my cell activity and accusing me of cheating. They don't see how insane it would be to try to go at it again.
Bottom line with a PD partner is that they can't and will not own up, so therefore their behavior WILL NEVER CHANGE. It's like trying to repaint a car with no transmission.
I remember trying to talk till I was blue in the face. Just a waste of time.
Even if you do love your PD, it's just not possible to have a calm life with peace.
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Oct 12, 2013 4:58:31 GMT
Hijacking threads is not an issue for me, if I want to bring it back around to the original subject I will do that  True, PD's do not take responsibility for their actions nor can they see the consequences of their actions. I deal with my H on that issue every day but I have also begun to take a "devil may care" attitude about it. We cannot control them but we can control ourselves and how we react to them. I have found that by not giving my H the drama he wants from me that it diffuses him and once I am gone I am off limits to him period. My bil has had to learn that as well, his ex-wife is an UdxPD and has said the most deplorable things to him from how worthless he is as a father and husband to threatening him over the kids. At first he answered every call, text and email she sent but now, depending on the tone and content of the message, he chooses which ones to respond to. He also refuses to speak to her on the phone forcing her to communicate either by text or email so he can have a record of what was said and by whom. I know when you have children and you do not live with the other parent that you worry. I know that you believe if you do not answer the phone that it could be an emergency but let's face it, 99% of calls, texts or emails are non emergency. As for other times when close contact is required for the sake of the children, bring a support person, someone who will be present for conversations and interactions. Use the voice recorder on your cell phone or invest in a digital voice recorder to record all conversations with the PD and let them know that ALL face to face communication will be recorded. I think the best lesson I have learned in all of this is that I don't HAVE to do anything I don't WANT to do. My life is just that, mine. No one has the ability, right or authority to live it but me and I get to choose with whom I share it. |
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Post by CGisNuts on Oct 12, 2013 15:38:17 GMT
Yes, it is your life, you owe no one anything in regards to doing stuff to make them happy.
Obviously children are a whole other story, but with partners/spouses, we have to remember it's our life.
My issue is being too nice and forgiving, my ex wants to reconcile and I will never do that. Just writing all the stuff about her has reminded me what a living hell the past 8 out of 10 years has been, and I will not go back to that.
As far as your attitude, that's a good course of action.
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Post by Elementum on Oct 13, 2013 0:28:22 GMT
ER your FOO is truly a hell on earth type of scenario, makes mine look like Saints and they weren't. But yours? Is unreal.
Yep, I have been sitting around the last while looking at the BPD behaviors and wondering how much of that has rubbed off on me and then also looking at the other boards where people write about how their partners were blindsided by the BPD filing divorce papers and seeing that it will look the same to stbx, even though it was his idea from the get go. After years of divorce threats, he was leaving, and all the other BS, and I am feeling guilty for being the one to file. And I am pretty certain he is smearing me to his family as that is what I found out had been happening in the past via my SIL.
The constant accusations. Killed me. Fought that for years and can't win against their projections of their own actions. Last year was a blast out of the past that contacted me, and that was the first time and last time I had any contact with a member of the opposite sex that could be considered questionable.
Having children with a PD makes it much more difficult until the children are adults. I don't envy you that CG and after all the crap she pulled on you? To reconcile right in the middle of divorce? I can't imagine the blind spot they are working with. All the hurt is "erased" like it never happened? They don't own their actions nor the consequences. Same with stbx, it's almost worse than a slap in the face. Complete denial. Don't know how they can stand themselves. And I guess that is the point, they can't, not really.
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Post by CGisNuts on Oct 13, 2013 3:32:29 GMT
In regards to the denial, it is just that they can't see it so to them it doesn't exist. Like telling a blind person to tell you what color your car is, just can't happen.
So that's why we get away from them and never reconcile. Just as the blind person can't see what color the car is, a PD will never own up to their actions.
You move on.
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Post by Elementum on Oct 13, 2013 4:15:32 GMT
I know you are right. And at the same time, I also don't like to lay the blame and my decision to finally end the marriage all at his feet either. I was not "perfect" as well. Never suggested that I was. Albeit I was none of what he raged at me with either.
Not having second thoughts or anything, there is far too much damage and I know that there is no further change possible on his side. He is still a person, messed up as he is and he is not evil, he is...messed up. Feel for him. As I know at some level, he is aware and he hurts really bad, while at the same time, I am being damned for it all.
Well you could, if the person went blind later on in life? They will remember what the rainbow looks like.
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Post by CGisNuts on Oct 13, 2013 15:23:18 GMT
PD's will never change unless it's a serious effort.
It's not like a disease or cancer which comes on to a "healthy" person, it is from the start.
I know that sounds real harsh, but it is harsh. We fall in love or are born to these people, so we are affected.
It's hard to leave but it is possible. Life is too short.
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Post by Elementum on Oct 14, 2013 0:37:50 GMT
It is harsh, but / and it's our lives too.
Really hard, too much damage. 25% of my life being hammered by a BPD? I've done my time.
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