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Post by Elementum on Dec 8, 2013 4:08:45 GMT
((((ER))) Cute. Thank you. One thing to "know" it and another to 'feel' it. Knowing, keeps me focused and moving, the feeling, complete utter crap. The whole year has been like that though. And so much did get done leading to the "end." Still feels totally shitty. Emotionally it's been done going on 2 years and very little together time. 6 months in 2 years tops and no closeness, zero. So..WTF is my problem? 1. Cognitive dissonance 2. Trauma Bonding 3. I was an idiot. 4. Fear  Run girl .....water is not far away. |
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Dec 8, 2013 4:21:08 GMT
Just the process of letting go honey. It's the finality of it all that hurts because you put so much into the marriage and got so little if anything back. all the effort you put into it and it failed. You don't own that, it's primarily his fault so let him keep what he owns.
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Post by Elementum on Dec 8, 2013 5:35:20 GMT
Eh...I know, but still. Takes two. It is over. He leaves tomorrow. It's killing me and we are ghosting past each other in the house. It's horrible. The last few years I was not all that fab, I know that too, I stopped throwing myself into it. Pulled back and let things fall. His statements then were partially true. I do know that. Prior, they were not. Bust my ass and was still belittled and bitched at. Then it really hurt. The last years ? Not so much. He owns nothing of the failure in his eyes. It's all me. He beat me because I verbally defended myself to his accusations. Well...that's strange. As the accusations were false and I will defend myself to false bs and he beat me. And that is my fault. Hmmmm...KMA. Really screwed up on so many levels. My head spins with it. Egh.
According to him I did nothing. And in that case, he won't miss me. And according to him I am a cheating whore with local lovers and god knows what, even better reasons to be rid of me. What's to miss? Being the horrible POS and all else, why cry that it's over? So screwed up.
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Dec 8, 2013 13:47:51 GMT
It takes two...yeah I've had that crap shoved down my throat for 20 years by his mother. She's right, it does take two but for 2 decades her son has been unwilling to do his part and I've done all I'm willing, ready and able to do.
I have wrung my hands, taken his insults, put downs, false accusations, beatings, lies, betrayals, disrespect, jealousies and neglect. I have in return given him my loyalty, respect, unwavering support, love, devotion, been his mother, been his nurse, his best friend, his staunch defender, his rock in the storm, stood by him when NO ONE supported him, believed in him when EVERYONE just knew he would fail.
Why did I do it? Why did I give everything and get almost nothing in return? Because I made a vow to him and God that I would do all of those things and more. I've done everything I agreed to do and now I'm done.
Maybe I'm just being haughty but if he was to leave today I would not shed a tear. Maybe it's because I have been married more than once to abusive men. Maybe it's because I have just had my fill of abuse from the world and everyone in it. It doesn't really matter it just is.
Your situation is different, it seems you feel that you did not do all that you promised or that you gave up too soon. I don't believe that. I believe you gave everything you had to give and one day the realization came that no matter what you do it's never enough, it's never going to make it better and for that you feel like you failed. The failure is not yours.
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Post by Elementum on Dec 8, 2013 15:31:03 GMT
Yeah, it's he has great qualities, hard working, intelligent, takes care of his family and children, thoughtful, considerate [ with others..and Was with me ] BUT, the abuse behind closed doors and sometimes publicly? I just still have the dissonance there. I know that. The emotions have yet to catch up to my head since I've been letting those come up to the surface. Weird. Depression has nailed me though. Sleep sleep sleep sleep and still exhausted. Do what I need to do , then crash. It's screwy. There is so much crap, it's nutz. Books and reams of it. Sneaks up on me at times and now that it is Final. It slams into me.
In a sad way, kind of glad that I went through it all, to know without a doubt, I cannot make it work, or I would always wonder what if? And that? I don't need. Been there , done that. Done.
Numb right now....hasn't entirely hit yet. It will. Egh. Deal with it then. Last time was pure hell. I kind of still "hoped", but this time? No. Done my time and the crime was against myself.
Tomorrow is going to hurt.
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Dec 8, 2013 15:49:54 GMT
And tomorrow I will still be here to listen
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