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Post by Elementum on Nov 30, 2013 15:32:50 GMT
The more I learn the less I know and it's really oddly liberating. And I am dying trying not to laugh at the absurdity of existence at times. Making sense out of the blind white wall of complete denial. Exercise in futility. Laugh , cry,  tears streaming. Doesn't make a crap of difference. It's real and it's not. Popping the clutch is going to be one hell of a relief. |
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Post by Elementum on Dec 1, 2013 5:50:40 GMT
Running and crying, it's such a messed up unreality. When I got back, he lit into me, about how " You used me." Really? No dear. You beat me. Tried to kill me. Am I the nutty one? No. I don't think so. Still hurts like hell though. Hate this damn disorder.
Moving his stuff, is a lot and all the work here he did, tons of it. It cannot be moved. The loss of that is what is hitting him. Not the loss of love and the marriage. Things.
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Post by Elementum on Dec 1, 2013 9:33:47 GMT
Losing my mind. He's talking, quietly mostly, but, I am not perfect as he says. And I cannot forgive and forget the attacks. I am supposed to do that. He tried to kill me. He knows when it all died. And it's my fault that I don't forgive that...
Am I nutz? This isn't funny anymore. He really cannot see the problem at all. Why do I even think it will somehow happen that he will?
Him: You are perfect, everything but your fking mouth.
Uhmm...K...yeah, when I am being insulted and hammered at? Yeah, I say something...I am crazy or what? I must be.
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Dec 1, 2013 13:58:56 GMT
(((ELE)))
Yep, I know how that goes. You are perfect UNTIL you stand up for yourself. I get told all the time that I'm being a bitch. Yeah, I snap his head off most days because he irritates me just by breathing, he pisses me off because he spends money like it grows on trees and we have bills to pay. He blew his entire SSI check this weekend KNOWING he has a $500 payday loan that had to be paid by yesterday. He only gets $710 a month and now the loan won't get paid and he can't borrow anymore money until it is so that means our lights don't get paid, no gas in the truck, no internet, my bills don't get paid and there will be no Christmas. Yet, I'm the fucking bitch for having a cranky attitude all the time. It's time for me to go back to work because this shit ain't getting it. To hell with his disability and his Medicaid. He screams at me that he will divorce me if I go back to work so it looks like it's time to do just that.
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Post by Elementum on Dec 1, 2013 16:17:27 GMT
((((ER)))) More or less. As long as we jump around to Ms Perfect, get it wrong and try even harder? And screw up yet again...*sigh* Fark that. Yours can't do math any better than mine can. Kills me. Get that in writing is all I can say. Then, get out. Just now, I am read the riot act: Him: you are always online "chatting" , you lie down go to sleep, then wake up , then on the internet and "chatting" with your lovers blah blah blah. Me: It's called depression. Him: You always have a fucking excuse. Me: Mmmmmm Years back, told him about BPDfam and he not once looked. At that time was a fellow we emailed and sent me some books,Gift of Fear, SWOES, he went insane, as he had found the email in my account. It was nothing bad. He was Dealing with a vicious NPD/ OCPD hyperdrive unit of a psychobitch. He threw that at me today as well.  My sins are many. Not.  |
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Dec 1, 2013 17:28:11 GMT
Yours sounds as stupid as mine. He says the same shit almost verbatim. Just have to laugh because it makes zero sense.
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Post by Elementum on Dec 1, 2013 17:38:19 GMT
Yep, it's the complete disconnect. Cause and Effect. No clue.
And I am the dumb ass choking back tears? What's with that? I refuse to crack and cry, just keep moving or sleeping is a good escape when the brain shuts down...but...egh...starts up too.
He's packing, and it's so damn hard. All I can do to "keep it together" or I am broken and crying, which is the last damn thing he will ever see of me. I'll rot before that.
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Post by Elementum on Dec 1, 2013 18:20:11 GMT
Him: STILL on the PC? Must be a "real true love." Me:  |
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Post by Elementum on Dec 1, 2013 18:45:25 GMT
Him: And one more thing I would like to tell you. You are a really negative person. Negative about the future and the past. You are negative since I know you... |
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Dec 1, 2013 19:04:51 GMT
Funny how they describe themselves and never know it. Just ignore him, he's projecting and baiting you so he can be the victim instead of the bad guy.
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Post by Elementum on Dec 1, 2013 19:11:46 GMT
Yep .gif) It's the same old song and dance. |
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Dec 1, 2013 19:13:05 GMT
Perfect gif LOL
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Post by Elementum on Dec 1, 2013 19:17:46 GMT
animationsFound them there. Great for expressing emotions. Mine are limited around : Egh, Argh, Gagh uhmmm a few more. But today? Mostly, egh and choking back tears. It's really bizarre.
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Dec 1, 2013 19:24:20 GMT
It's not bizarre to feel grief over lost dreams.
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Post by Elementum on Dec 1, 2013 19:33:39 GMT
I know, it's been 5 years of knowing what I am dealing with. The first break? That was horrible. This time? Radical Acceptance. I know I cannot change it. It is exactly what it is. And it's not been getting better. The rages are far less, because he was not around the last 2 years. But that is not what is marriage. Not being raged at is a given not a special treat. Not to me anyways. It's all the other lovely bits that are not present.
He has his really great qualities. I cannot take that away from him, and they are really excellent or I would not even have tried as hard as I did, but..the negative? That was killing me inside. I am not a stone. Then add the abuse on top? I am not a whipping boy or a punching bag for anyone. He is not "there" at all anymore. What there was of empathy is non existent now. Zero. BPD or NPD or ASPD I don't know what, but there is not an ability to recognize the problem on the continuum and all along, it's mine to own? No.
Dreams? Sure...but the reality? Is reality. Red Pill for this girl. Still hurts, just resignation. Acceptance of the inevitable.
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