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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Dec 1, 2013 19:39:33 GMT
Reality bites in more ways than one. We think we are prepared for the inevitable but when it finally comes we find that we are not as well prepared as we believed. When all is said and done and he is out of the house for good I believe it will be easier for you to accept. While he is physically there it makes it much more real and difficult.
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Post by Elementum on Dec 1, 2013 19:53:18 GMT
True. I know that. Same as last time. But last time, was really bad. Really really bad. Now, I know. It will hurt. But that's normal. It was his decision to not work on the marriage as well. As long as it was all my fault...fine. But, it's all the other bits that are non existent even when he is here. It's been surreal for so long anyways. Acceptance. It will take time to process it, and all the fun stuff. Not. Been through worse crap. I'll survive. What else to do?
(((ER)))
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Post by Elementum on Dec 3, 2013 2:18:37 GMT
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Post by Elementum on Dec 4, 2013 21:49:51 GMT
 ..strangest thing, after all the crap of years and the horror show of it. Now he is being nice. Decent. Besides the odd jabs which mean nothing to me anymore. Deaf and dead to it. Still hurts like hell. The odd yelling of how it's my fault. He is angry because he is packing and his stuff goes wherever it goes. I'm dying inside. Feel like death warmed over. Everything comes undone and worse, I am the architect of the ending. Not entirely, pretty hard to build on quick sand. Giving up is hard though. Failure is/was not an option. Not very good at failure. |
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Post by Elementum on Dec 5, 2013 2:53:42 GMT
 *note to self Gut through it. Storm warnings were 5 years ago. Precious little changed. Do not "hope." It's going to feel worse before it gets better and all that, same old song and dance. Cuts to the core like nothing else ever can. Somewhere under his whatever it is, exists a beautiful human. But, that person disappeared years ago. Where'd he go? Wasn't all illusion. Some of it was very true. That's what hurts. In the final analysis, none of that matters, as in his own words, " I don't love you anymore." That's fine too. And then he needs to let me go. I don't want to be anywhere I am not loved and certainly not an empty loveless abusive marriage. Better to be alone. Minimum, I will have peace. |
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Dec 5, 2013 18:47:11 GMT
Hang in there it's going to get better you just have to keep trudging through. In a year or maybe less you'll look back and it will all be a distant nightmare and you'll wonder why you put so much energy into being sad. Life can only get brighter from here so, follow the sun.  |
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Post by Elementum on Dec 6, 2013 2:15:03 GMT
Really hard right now, he's being decent..and that makes me so sad. Wondering, am I making a mistake? But, it's always like this, when he screwed up huge, be nice for a time, then it starts all over again. How to make an error when take the long view back? Present = dead zone and Future = more of same? It's the dissonance and hope and dreams...same shit , different day.  ,,,yeeeeahhh, boxes are going and now it's ALL my fault. Sigh...yeah. What else is new? So fugged up. All by my self I screwed it all up? No, not really. Just had enough of being the punching bag and a few other problems. Easier when he is raging and blaming. But when he's not. I cry like a baby. So warped. Thanks ER. I am just so tired. Dead tired. |
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Post by Elementum on Dec 6, 2013 8:38:37 GMT
 ..3 more days. Then I can break. Thank Gawd. Barely keeping it together as is. Then it's back to "normal" only this time, he won't be coming back. Not sure which is really worse. Christ this hurts like hell. Me, Myself and I have a lot of work to do. Doesn't matter how much you "know" about this fucked up disorder, the ache isn't less. It's grim and vicious and if he would just fucking ever SEE....agh hell...... |
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Dec 6, 2013 18:25:26 GMT
Just stay the course sweetie because you know that a PD cannot be genuine. They only mirror what they see in others and have no genuine identity or self. They are the perpetual victim seeing only how life has kicked them in the ass and never seeing that they caused that reaction. Don't succumb to the "nice" side of PD because it's a learned tactic that really only exists to benefit them. As soon as they realize you are no longer beneficial they turn on you like a Cobra.
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Post by Elementum on Dec 7, 2013 11:38:06 GMT
Head has seen that in action too many times. But when he cries, I die inside.
Today, I spent most of the day in bed , choking back, and last several hours, he has been in tears also. It's the worst. I want to take his pain away, but I know...I get flung off and I am the source of the pain now. No other one to blame but is 100% me this time.
This is sooooo hard. He's not like many of the others, I think so. Special really good and special really bad. Makes me feel crazy.
He's not even being nice. He's crying. That destroys me.
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Dec 7, 2013 17:56:27 GMT
Mine cries too and it used to tear me apart but it's funny how fast those tears dry up when they get what they want. I don't like to see my H cry and I know he is not without feelings but it's so damn hard to know what is genuine and what is just a ploy. I say the time for crying is long over. He should have fallen to his knees long ago and begged for Gods' forgiveness and cried his heart out for treating you the way he did then done everything possible to get better and never do it again. Don't cry for the man who said I love you but then lied to you, beat you and used you. The man you are crying for does not exist.
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Post by Elementum on Dec 8, 2013 0:42:02 GMT
Thank you ER. Yeah...so many promises to do just that and nothing. There is tons of information online. Did he look? No. The #1 BPD counseling center in the world is <50 Km from his hometown. Told him I would wait. Or go and support , whatever was needed to do. Nothing. Then I flipped the whole scenario. Since he was telling me I was the crazy one, fine. Here, BPDfamily read it, all of it and the boundaries and validation stuff, learn it. Won't hurt to use it. After all, if I am crazy that will help either way.  Didn't work either. Even having the freedom to call me the crazy one, and showing him the infos was pointless. Wasn't the cure/ help nothing. I wonder what he would have been like if I had health issues? Kind of scary to think about. Very little seems to be tears over losing the marriage, me. Nope, it's the house, the retirement without paying his huge taxes, the work and money invested here. It's worth to cry about, for sure, but the reason for the loss is not in his awareness. It all hinged on my presence, and he couldn't or wouldn't see that. And I warned him years ago. Many times. Fact of the matter, had his work not taken him away for months at a time? I could not have lasted with him 365 in a row. I'd have lost it. 7 years ago after getting back together, within less than 2 months, it all started all over again. I was so freaking hammered to hell it wasn't funny. Just been such a long road and it's almost done. Still hurts like an SOB, but...done. |
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Dec 8, 2013 1:37:31 GMT
Yeah, it hurts but you are a better person for having gone through it all and life will only get better and sweeter from here.
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Post by Elementum on Dec 8, 2013 3:14:25 GMT
 So they say, better, sweeter, either way, I want peace. I can't do the chaos anymore. I don't want to.  Life is short, then you die. Might as well enjoy it and make a difference while I can. Being the punching bag and emotional toilet bowl is not on the itinerary of my life's journey. BTDT and no need to revisit hell. |
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Dec 8, 2013 3:49:45 GMT
Thought of this song reading your post
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