Post by Elementum on Nov 13, 2013 15:00:32 GMT
Detachment
Let's use the analogy of a blackjack game to present why detachment seems like a good solution for some. Imagine that you sit down to the table and are given a stack of chips. Each of these chips represents an emotional unit. The more you have, the more safe, content, happy, and fulfilled you will feel. Then you find out that although the chips are yours, you have no control over whether to play them or not. Someone you are told you can trust is given absolute control over when and how much you will bet. He or she decides to bet all your chips even though you do not want to. You lose the hand. Imagine this cycle repeating itself over and over. The moment you stockpile chips using whatever means available to you they are bet without your consent and you lose. At some point you will realize that they are your chips, and that only you have the ability to bet them. But you have lost every big hand you have played up to this point. What would you do with your chips? The obvious answer is not play the game. So we see that emotional detachment is a viable solution in that it guarantees not getting hurt because you are not risking anything. -
The horribly fascinating aspect of this whole article is that it is also pretty much the only way anyone can hope to remain sane in a situation with a PD mate. And, the mirroring of the BPD goes wonky . Wise mind and all that, which is very important or get pulled into the Matrix.
Remembering years back similar situations and crap, I was bawling my eyes out, walking in the woods crying like a baby. For what? PD bs? How stupid. The carnage of that? Pretty bad. Now? *whatever*
In short, the counseling of wise mind and detachment while "loving" an abusive PD mate, does not compute. It's not a relationship of equals but one of caretaker and mental health patient. Rational reasoning vs. emotional reasoning and looking at the Facts and observing the Actions and the alignment with the words, act accordingly. Tends to make it relatively easy after years of pouring myself into the impossible to back the bus up and "to hell with it." Which is what I ought to have done at the get go. Duh! Emotional reasoning, bloody awful stuff.
Excise oneself of co dep traits, you can't fix crazy. They are happy that way. As long as we stick around for the bs? We enable them. But when they cannot plug into you? The dynamic shifts and you are free. As long as they need/ require something from you, they can keep the mask up. As soon as you are no longer necessary? The crap starts all over again. Clock work.
EDIT: Emotional Detachment
From Wikipedia:
Second sense: decision to not connect emotionally
Emotional detachment in the second sense above is a decision to avoid engaging emotional connections, rather than an inability or difficulty in doing so, typically for personal, social, or other reasons. In this sense it can allow people to maintain boundaries, psychic integrity and avoid undesired impact by or upon others, related to emotional demands. As such it is a deliberate mental attitude which avoids engaging the emotions of others.
This detachment does not necessarily mean avoiding empathy; rather it allows the person space needed to rationally choose whether or not to be overwhelmed or manipulated by such feelings. Examples where this is used in a positive sense might include emotional boundary management, where a person avoids emotional levels of engagement related to people who are in some way emotionally overly demanding, such as difficult co-workers or relatives, or is adopted to aid the person in helping others such as a person who trains himself to ignore the "pleading" food requests of a dieting spouse, or indifference by parents towards a child's begging. Emotional detachment also allows acts of extreme cruelty, such as torture and abuse, supported by the decision to not connect empathically with the person concerned. As a result, the decision as to whether emotional detachment in any given set of circumstances is considered to be a positive or negative mental attitude is a subjective one, and therefore a decision on which different people may not agree.
Detaching is a process and when enmeshed with a PD it can be extremely difficult and at times dangerous. Boundaries are essential. Do not stick around to be abused. Being verbally assaulted is abuse. I don't give a ratz butt about it being directed by the disorder or not, get out of there and leave them with it. Validation? If you feel the burning urge to pour yourself empathically into the shit storm in hopes to avert the inevitable, be my guest, but really not worth the agony.
Emotional reasoning is more than likely the driving force behind the validation concepts when dealing with pwBPD. It is useful, but it's also far more painful for the non. It's also a deadly drain on your own psyche and energy. Look at their Actions. 1) Lying, 2) Cheating, 3) Screeching obscenities, 4) cutting you down, 5) attacking your sexuality, 6) ridiculous demands, 7) controlling your time and demanding reports of your whereabouts, 8) constant accusations of infidelity, 9) insane jealousy 10) Physical abuse a. Punching, b. shoving c. throwing things at you ? That sort of obnoxious thing. It's not normal behavior. Don't make excuses for them. They are adults and know how to behave when necessary.
The above 10 listed points barely scratch the surface of the carnage of a BPD r/s. However, it is very helpful when disengaging to keep them at the forefront of your thoughts when the emotions are running rampant. Does it make sense? Or not? Generally not. Is that how you would treat someone you love?
Using logic, it's very easy to slap down boundaries. The only person who controls that is you. Of course, the BPD will not like that, but will get used to it. And it will appear that the relationship has "improved" when in fact, it has not. It's only another flavor of whackadoo. Fortunately you are out of the line of fire and far away enjoying a pleasant chat with a friend or a cup of joe and listening to some tunes while your PD mate may be smashing his/her head against a wall. It's not your problem. Don't feel guilty about leaving an abusive exchange. Leave. Come back when you feel like dealing with them, or not. Eventually if practicing detachment, you won't want to. The "light" of reality and the Red Pill will be doing its work.
Detaching allows you to see the r/s for what it is. A shell. One person running about attempting to appease the PD and boundaries to stay out of the line of fire. It gets worse with time as well. When the PD cannot Love/ Hate you with the abuse theme to drive the machine, what have you got? Nothing much.
Detachment/ Validation / loving a PD? Does not compute. I really can't see that. Maybe something wrong with me? But, I don' see happy happy joy joy on the Staying Board at FTF but rather massive failure. Or married to the board and a T and pwBPD. Bad scenario.
When I love someone, I attach, appreciate that person in my life and am emphatically connected by choice and desire to be there for him. Pretty damn simple. Boundaries are respected. There's not a big gong show about it.
Detachment. Beautiful stuff.
Short Version of Detachment:
1) Critically assess the behaviors and how they affect you.
2) Logic. Is that how you treat a loved one? Really?
3) Boundaries. BPD freaks and rages = LEAVE the vicinity. Do not return. They threaten suicide ? Call 911
4) Check your GUILT and EMPATHY at the door and leave it there.
Focus on the 10 points, and ask yourself: Did you Love that?
If "Yes" get therapy. There is something seriously wrong with your thinking.
If "No" detachment will be easier.
If you are angry about points 1-10, that's good. You should be. Nothing wrong with that. Honor it. Detach and free yourself from this crap. Respect YourSelf.
I'm on Earth, cozy distance from the Sun, and he is orbiting Pluto or Uranus for all I care anymore. Detachment. So, if the Sun is Love, that includes, the Love of Self, Me , Myself and I. Unfortunately for him, he deselected himself from my existence.
Let's use the analogy of a blackjack game to present why detachment seems like a good solution for some. Imagine that you sit down to the table and are given a stack of chips. Each of these chips represents an emotional unit. The more you have, the more safe, content, happy, and fulfilled you will feel. Then you find out that although the chips are yours, you have no control over whether to play them or not. Someone you are told you can trust is given absolute control over when and how much you will bet. He or she decides to bet all your chips even though you do not want to. You lose the hand. Imagine this cycle repeating itself over and over. The moment you stockpile chips using whatever means available to you they are bet without your consent and you lose. At some point you will realize that they are your chips, and that only you have the ability to bet them. But you have lost every big hand you have played up to this point. What would you do with your chips? The obvious answer is not play the game. So we see that emotional detachment is a viable solution in that it guarantees not getting hurt because you are not risking anything. -
The horribly fascinating aspect of this whole article is that it is also pretty much the only way anyone can hope to remain sane in a situation with a PD mate. And, the mirroring of the BPD goes wonky . Wise mind and all that, which is very important or get pulled into the Matrix.
Remembering years back similar situations and crap, I was bawling my eyes out, walking in the woods crying like a baby. For what? PD bs? How stupid. The carnage of that? Pretty bad. Now? *whatever*
In short, the counseling of wise mind and detachment while "loving" an abusive PD mate, does not compute. It's not a relationship of equals but one of caretaker and mental health patient. Rational reasoning vs. emotional reasoning and looking at the Facts and observing the Actions and the alignment with the words, act accordingly. Tends to make it relatively easy after years of pouring myself into the impossible to back the bus up and "to hell with it." Which is what I ought to have done at the get go. Duh! Emotional reasoning, bloody awful stuff.
Excise oneself of co dep traits, you can't fix crazy. They are happy that way. As long as we stick around for the bs? We enable them. But when they cannot plug into you? The dynamic shifts and you are free. As long as they need/ require something from you, they can keep the mask up. As soon as you are no longer necessary? The crap starts all over again. Clock work.
EDIT: Emotional Detachment
From Wikipedia:
Second sense: decision to not connect emotionally
Emotional detachment in the second sense above is a decision to avoid engaging emotional connections, rather than an inability or difficulty in doing so, typically for personal, social, or other reasons. In this sense it can allow people to maintain boundaries, psychic integrity and avoid undesired impact by or upon others, related to emotional demands. As such it is a deliberate mental attitude which avoids engaging the emotions of others.
This detachment does not necessarily mean avoiding empathy; rather it allows the person space needed to rationally choose whether or not to be overwhelmed or manipulated by such feelings. Examples where this is used in a positive sense might include emotional boundary management, where a person avoids emotional levels of engagement related to people who are in some way emotionally overly demanding, such as difficult co-workers or relatives, or is adopted to aid the person in helping others such as a person who trains himself to ignore the "pleading" food requests of a dieting spouse, or indifference by parents towards a child's begging. Emotional detachment also allows acts of extreme cruelty, such as torture and abuse, supported by the decision to not connect empathically with the person concerned. As a result, the decision as to whether emotional detachment in any given set of circumstances is considered to be a positive or negative mental attitude is a subjective one, and therefore a decision on which different people may not agree.
Detaching is a process and when enmeshed with a PD it can be extremely difficult and at times dangerous. Boundaries are essential. Do not stick around to be abused. Being verbally assaulted is abuse. I don't give a ratz butt about it being directed by the disorder or not, get out of there and leave them with it. Validation? If you feel the burning urge to pour yourself empathically into the shit storm in hopes to avert the inevitable, be my guest, but really not worth the agony.
Emotional reasoning is more than likely the driving force behind the validation concepts when dealing with pwBPD. It is useful, but it's also far more painful for the non. It's also a deadly drain on your own psyche and energy. Look at their Actions. 1) Lying, 2) Cheating, 3) Screeching obscenities, 4) cutting you down, 5) attacking your sexuality, 6) ridiculous demands, 7) controlling your time and demanding reports of your whereabouts, 8) constant accusations of infidelity, 9) insane jealousy 10) Physical abuse a. Punching, b. shoving c. throwing things at you ? That sort of obnoxious thing. It's not normal behavior. Don't make excuses for them. They are adults and know how to behave when necessary.
The above 10 listed points barely scratch the surface of the carnage of a BPD r/s. However, it is very helpful when disengaging to keep them at the forefront of your thoughts when the emotions are running rampant. Does it make sense? Or not? Generally not. Is that how you would treat someone you love?
Using logic, it's very easy to slap down boundaries. The only person who controls that is you. Of course, the BPD will not like that, but will get used to it. And it will appear that the relationship has "improved" when in fact, it has not. It's only another flavor of whackadoo. Fortunately you are out of the line of fire and far away enjoying a pleasant chat with a friend or a cup of joe and listening to some tunes while your PD mate may be smashing his/her head against a wall. It's not your problem. Don't feel guilty about leaving an abusive exchange. Leave. Come back when you feel like dealing with them, or not. Eventually if practicing detachment, you won't want to. The "light" of reality and the Red Pill will be doing its work.
Detaching allows you to see the r/s for what it is. A shell. One person running about attempting to appease the PD and boundaries to stay out of the line of fire. It gets worse with time as well. When the PD cannot Love/ Hate you with the abuse theme to drive the machine, what have you got? Nothing much.
Detachment/ Validation / loving a PD? Does not compute. I really can't see that. Maybe something wrong with me? But, I don' see happy happy joy joy on the Staying Board at FTF but rather massive failure. Or married to the board and a T and pwBPD. Bad scenario.
When I love someone, I attach, appreciate that person in my life and am emphatically connected by choice and desire to be there for him. Pretty damn simple. Boundaries are respected. There's not a big gong show about it.
Detachment. Beautiful stuff.
Short Version of Detachment:
1) Critically assess the behaviors and how they affect you.
2) Logic. Is that how you treat a loved one? Really?
3) Boundaries. BPD freaks and rages = LEAVE the vicinity. Do not return. They threaten suicide ? Call 911
4) Check your GUILT and EMPATHY at the door and leave it there.
Focus on the 10 points, and ask yourself: Did you Love that?
If "Yes" get therapy. There is something seriously wrong with your thinking.
If "No" detachment will be easier.
If you are angry about points 1-10, that's good. You should be. Nothing wrong with that. Honor it. Detach and free yourself from this crap. Respect YourSelf.
I'm on Earth, cozy distance from the Sun, and he is orbiting Pluto or Uranus for all I care anymore. Detachment. So, if the Sun is Love, that includes, the Love of Self, Me , Myself and I. Unfortunately for him, he deselected himself from my existence.
