WANDERER BANNED FOR LIFE

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wanderer
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WANDERER BANNED FOR LIFE Nov 6, 2013 16:25:23 GMT via mobile

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Post by wanderer on Nov 6, 2013 16:25:23 GMT

Nov 5, 2013 16:46:43 GMT Elementum said:

it's important to never stop believing in yourself

That's the spirit!!!

No matter how crappy the day is, somebody on the planet has a way poopier day than I. So it can't be as bad as I thought. Some days I will admit were Blacker than black....but....gut through it.
Made it through some of the craziest A$$ bs I never knew could happen. And others, have had far worse. So, it's relative.

How are things going for you on the home front?

Lol...do u ever wonder how exactly you dealt with so much bullshit but then somehow managed to get out alive and broken, though somehow still alive?

I will be honest. I feel that things got worse. I lost my bed a while back (lied to my parents about my credit card and I get the lying and I apologized to my mom for it..but then to take my bed away just because I hurt my mom...legit I think it just went over the top to be honest) so now I sleep on an foldable couch...

I feel like everything is crashing down. I feel like I'm losing myself. I have been reading a book about emotional fitness and I came to a part about helplessness. I literally burst to be honest. I was helpless and I couldn't protect myself from my parents attacks. Even worse during the time that I was listening to a track that helped me to access unconscious feelings, I cried so hard knowing that my parents abandoned me. My mom didn't protect me and leave my dad for mine and my brother's protection and my dad for always attacking me instead of letting me love him. I wanted nothing more than to love my dad....and he didn't love me. Both my parents chose power over love and it hurt....it hurts so much to know that they hurt me exactly the same way their parents hurt them...

I'm still honestly so confused about even moving out. Every day just living at my house, it literally just feels like a battleground. My dad (if I run into him) doesn't scare me anymore (courtesy of the tracks I listen to that helped me to access my unconscious feelings) but he gives me a dark look as if to say I hate you and I wish you were out. I'm polite to him but honestly it kills sometimes to see this look but so be it I guess..

I feel like the stress of having to live withparents who honestly could care less about me hurts and is affecting me a lot. I'm at the point where im behind in homework. I think because of the helplessness, I don't do it since I think hey nothing will be good enough. So why bother trying? It made sense finally why I procrastinate...

My mom even saw one of my tests for one of my subjects and said its a bad mark and I have to do better. It was like a 76 for crying out loud. I passed and I'm happy. But why the fuck does she always have to do this? It's as if she lives on bringing me down...I felt so terrible afterward...

Even with my youngest brother. Yesterday he brought home a test that he failed and at some point my mom said oh its ok if you will repeat grade three two times (he's currently in grade three) and I asked her why do u have such little faith in him? He will make it I'm sure of it...

It honestly hurts to continue living with parents who chose power over loving their kids and two that they still continue to do this. They won't stop and part of me keeps hoping they will. But they won't...

I feel like I'm being emotionally broken down slowly in pieces just by continuingtto live with the same people who hurt me....I keep wondering how am I surviving? I keep thinking god is keeping me alive somehow. Since honestly otherwise I don't know how I'm surviving at all...

It's times like this where I miss outofthefog since usually I'd go on it and rant about it. But it's gone and sometimes I feel alone when I feel like this..or if the world is like crashing down on me...

But I know its ruined for good. It's done....it's not the same as it once was...

How about you? How are things with you solarflare?

It's good to hear from you

Last Edit: Nov 6, 2013 16:29:47 GMT by wanderer

CGisNuts Full Member Posts: 220	WANDERER BANNED FOR LIFE Nov 6, 2013 16:52:05 GMT Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by CGisNuts on Nov 6, 2013 16:52:05 GMT They took your bed away to punish you? wtf, wow, that's insane on so many levels.
	IDK how our freedom of speech was censored. Some will say it was an Eclipse of thinking. Some will say lunacy. Some say 2Bad, it's just how it is.

Elementum
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Red Pill high....

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WANDERER BANNED FOR LIFE Nov 6, 2013 16:58:04 GMT

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Post by Elementum on Nov 6, 2013 16:58:04 GMT

Lol...do u ever wonder how exactly you dealt with so much bullshit but then somehow managed to get out alive and broken, though somehow still alive?

Define broken? Who gets to decide what that looks like? The BS of my past will Not Ever Define Me. And if I want someone's opinion of me? I will give it to them. Very narcy aren't I? lol

Beating yourself up again aren't you? Won't help you. Bad habit and hard habit to break I am sure. Mental tapes that keep hammering away at your psyche. Somewhere inside it's like I hear you saying "I'm not good enough," i.e. your parents differential treatment between you and your brothers. This crap about the bed? I missed that. But that is totally idiotic on their part. It's power play bull crap. And the unfortunate reality, is while under their roof you are kind of stuck until you can pay your own bills and move out.

Yep, credit card was a bad move. Problem has been rectified, you owned it and now they are throwing that in your face and continuing to use it against you. But, that also happens when you break trust as well. The fall out.

I feel like everything is crashing down.

This is not reality though is it? It's bit of crap, crap happens in threes. So when some crap happens, more crap happens. At the same time though, you get busy and DO what you need to DO or it will continue to rain down. Ya know?

I feel like I'm losing myself.

Hmm...nope. You are right there. It's a blip in time, chaos on the continuum. One foot in front of the other and stay focused on what you know you need to do. Don't allow yourself to sit on the pity pot. You have school and work to focus on. Emotionally, you really will want to look at detachment. It's powerful. Right up there with passion. Sort of the polar opposites of each other but you learn to migrate between the two of them on an as needed basis.

It was like a 76 for crying out loud. I passed and I'm happy. But why the fuck does she always have to do this? It's as if she lives on bringing me down...I felt so terrible afterward...

That's her ass backward way of letting you know she thinks you are capable of better. Some people have a screwy manner of encouragement. That is one of them. You are happy with it and that is what matters. That is where self validation is so important. YOU know. Whether you had 99 and not 100 she might gripe about that as well and nail you for the 1%. Who cares? It's what you are content with that is important.

I feel like the stress of having to live withparents who honestly could care less about me hurts and is affecting me a lot. I'm at the point where im behind in homework. I think because of the helplessness, I don't do it since I think hey nothing will be good enough. So why bother trying? It made sense finally why I procrastinate...

They care, but they are kind of putzy. Too blinded with their own lives. And it is hurtful when your parents are not giving you the emotional support you require. Each of us is different with different tapes playing. Part of what I think you are looking for is validation from your parents for various aspects of your successes, but they are withholding. To get around that though, it comes from inside. You know what you do and whether or Not, you did a good job, put your heart and soul into it, or if you just sort of did the work to slap it in there and hoped for the best. Ya know?

The question of 'good enough' is your call to make. Good enough to Pass it must be, that is a given, but good enough in your eyes, is the key. Not your parents.

I feel like I'm being emotionally broken down slowly in pieces just by continuingtto live with the same people who hurt me....I keep wondering how am I surviving? I keep thinking god is keeping me alive somehow. Since honestly otherwise I don't know how I'm surviving at all...

Because survive is what we must do. And perspective is a powerful thing. You are not in a wheelchair are you? You are not living under a bridge? You have a relatively normalish home and better than many others. Be grateful for what you do have. The little things and it will help to shift your emotions as well. But you must focus. And while you doing that, Learn to Love yourSelf. Give yourself credit for you do well. All that. It's not nothing. Know it inside.

Question for you: Why you don't believe in yourself?

Last Edit: Nov 6, 2013 17:10:04 GMT by Elementum

“The best revenge is to be unlike him who performed the injury.”
― Marcus Aurelius

wanderer
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WANDERER BANNED FOR LIFE Feb 11, 2014 17:00:13 GMT

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Post by wanderer on Feb 11, 2014 17:00:13 GMT

Define broken? Who gets to decide what that looks like? The BS of my past will Not Ever Define Me. And if I want someone's opinion of me? I will give it to them. Very narcy aren't I? lol

Beating yourself up again aren't you? Won't help you. Bad habit and hard habit to break I am sure. Mental tapes that keep hammering away at your psyche. Somewhere inside it's like I hear you saying "I'm not good enough," i.e. your parents differential treatment between you and your brothers. This crap about the bed? I missed that. But that is totally idiotic on their part. It's power play bull crap. And the unfortunate reality, is while under their roof you are kind of stuck until you can pay your own bills and move out.

Yep, credit card was a bad move. Problem has been rectified, you owned it and now they are throwing that in your face and continuing to use it against you. But, that also happens when you break trust as well. The fall out.

Hey Solarflare

sorry for the really late reply

just recently got back on this forum and i thought a bit about what you said....

Honestly thank you always for the support and the kind words

You know i honestly like you put it: The bullshit of my life wont ever define me. Lol you are so brave

its honestly just amazing that you have this strength. i think i also have it somewhere though i will find it

It is a hard habit to break. I realize most of these tapes are mostly from my parents and at times its so hurtful. I honestly wonder now how did i ever survive living with them? It honestly just damaged me so much, those hurtful words...

And yea i agree it was idoitic. And somehow the reasoning just keeps changing as for why my dad got rid of the bed. First its because i lied to my mom. The most recent one that i got was because i was in my room too much and he wanted me to get out of it. Honestly i feel like he's just gone power mad. But i agree, its something i'm going to have to deal with until i move out. Which is pretty soon

I hope to move out in April so two more months

The credit card was a bad move definetly agree with u there...and they will use it against me always. They have good memory with remembering what i did wrong, especially my dad. Though i also did break their trust which is a given. But honestly at times it is a lot and it was a bad move. I'm going to do what i can to pay off as fast as possible and go from there...

And with broken, i meant just emotionally damaged. Almost like you just feel as if you cant function like a normal functional human being. Literally at times i just dont feel human...

agreed

thank u for the reminder

Detaching only seems to be the best option for now i agree with you there. I'll take a look at it. Its easier for me to remain detached with my parents, to not give them the satisfaction of letting them beat me down. Though afterward i literally feel like crying and screaming. But its a good practise i agree with you on that. It helps a lot, especially to survive dysfunctional parents...

That's her ass backward way of letting you know she thinks you are capable of better. Some people have a screwy manner of encouragement. That is one of them. You are happy with it and that is what matters. That is where self validation is so important. YOU know. Whether you had 99 and not 100 she might gripe about that as well and nail you for the 1%. Who cares? It's what you are content with that is important.

agreed

They care, but they are kind of putzy. Too blinded with their own lives. And it is hurtful when your parents are not giving you the emotional support you require. Each of us is different with different tapes playing. Part of what I think you are looking for is validation from your parents for various aspects of your successes, but they are withholding. To get around that though, it comes from inside. You know what you do and whether or Not, you did a good job, put your heart and soul into it, or if you just sort of did the work to slap it in there and hoped for the best. Ya know?

The question of 'good enough' is your call to make. Good enough to Pass it must be, that is a given, but good enough in your eyes, is the key. Not your parents.

thank u for the reminder

Thank you again for the reminder. It does help to focus on the little things, yet for me most of the time i just keep finding more and more excuses as to why i dont believe in myself or why i just dont do anything to help myself. I for the most part keep searching for validation and for love in the wrong people. I know my parents wont give it to me or wont ever encourage me. Even to my dad i'll still be a little girl until i move out.

For me i honestly find it hard to beleive in myself when for the most part no one really believes in me. Though i know that there are people that do believe in me. You do and many other members here and those who stuck with me after i got banned from Outofthefog. My piano teacher, some friends of mine. And especially God and Jesus. There are few people that believe in me. But i realize now its good to even have some people believe in me. I feel for the most part i need some kind of reassurance that i'm ok, that who i am is ok. Though i know i wont get that from my parents anytime sooner.

At times i feel like i do believe in myself and at times i dont. Why though? I honestly just rely too much on what other people think of me instead of relying on what i think of me. Though there has been some little breakthroughs here and there. My dad started yelling at me again after i didnt wash the dishes (i honestly realize he just thinks badly of me and honestly projects so well what he hates about himself onto me.) and i honestly didnt listen. He even got to the point where he said i was using people and i was like what? No i dont. Im not the person he describes me to be. Though his words were damaging, i honestly for once realized it wasnt about me and that i'm not what he said.

Its a good question and still one i'm pondering about. Thank you for asking it

How r u

hope you are well

and really sorry for the late reply

They took your bed away to punish you? wtf, wow, that's insane on so many levels.

It is isnt it? But at the same time it says more about them than me. and funny enough i sleep better on the bed in the folded couch than on my original bed

Thank you both for replying

and really sorry it took so long to reply

blownuphead
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Posts: 2

WANDERER BANNED FOR LIFE Aug 3, 2018 22:13:15 GMT

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Post by blownuphead on Aug 3, 2018 22:13:15 GMT

Hi new here - sry to poke my head in but I know exactly what you are talking about. Thank goodness, I thought it was me! I had so many warnings the first week I felt rather popular. Why are they so hateful over there?

Glad I found this site, Wanderer you hang in there, remember at night that the next morning always bring a new day and everything will look different. Also, Jesus would have died for you if you were the only person on earth - that’s a pretty big deal!

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WANDERER BANNED FOR LIFE

Post by wanderer on Nov 6, 2013 16:25:23 GMT

Post by CGisNuts on Nov 6, 2013 16:52:05 GMT

Post by Elementum on Nov 6, 2013 16:58:04 GMT

Post by wanderer on Feb 11, 2014 17:00:13 GMT

Post by blownuphead on Aug 3, 2018 22:13:15 GMT

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