Post by unicorn on Oct 11, 2013 20:17:47 GMT
I'm so happy to have some time to try to deal with my feelings and post about them. I don't even know where to begin, I feel like I have gone through so much this past year and a half. I have learned SO much. It is truly amazing and I am a different person than I used to be. Just three months ago I was ready to leave after FINALLY (and I only realized this with all the perspective of these forums!!!!!! Truly changed my life) anyways after FINALLY realizing that the horrible things that were going on in my marriage was not actually my fault. I was ready to separate and started taking steps towards it. Then a complete game changer happened. The H actually started to change, as you all know. I am still surprised at this point (almost 4 months since i asked him to leave). He has done everything that I wanted him to do. (job, school, GROW THE FUCK UP, help, be a parent, be supportive, etc.). So initially after the curve ball I was obviously very leery of what he was doing (and still am to a degree).
Now that some time has passed I find myself truly wondering if this will in fact work. So the only way I have been able to deal with all this is literally taking it one day at a time. When I look at the whole scenario and ask myself should I stay or go?, its VERY depressing and overwhelming. If he continues this way, then this will be everything that I wanted and thought I had back when we were first married.
If things go downhill.... well then I am afraid that I will slid back into old patterns and lose my grip on myself again and allow him to treat me like crap. I don't really think that this will happen, but it does worry me. I feel relieved that my children are getting older and more capable on their own, it feels like thats one less thing that I will have to keep me there w him. When they were little I would have never dreamed of leaving (w the exception of abuse). So now that they are growing older I can sorta start to see me more separate and on my own than "with the family". I just obviously cannot let him lead me into having another baby.
Sometimes I look at other guys and wonder what it would be like to date them. (no one specific, just in general). I wonder if this is an emotion that I need to worry about or if it is even normal after being in a "normal" marriage after 8 years. Or if it's the product of being treated like crap in the past and just wanting to start over. ALso let me iterate that I wonder what it would be like to "casually" date them. I really do not even feel interested in a serious relationship AT ALL.
So what do you guys think? I have to endure marriage counseling all weekend and I have a therapist appt next week, but I would so love your input as I always do.
Now that some time has passed I find myself truly wondering if this will in fact work. So the only way I have been able to deal with all this is literally taking it one day at a time. When I look at the whole scenario and ask myself should I stay or go?, its VERY depressing and overwhelming. If he continues this way, then this will be everything that I wanted and thought I had back when we were first married.
If things go downhill.... well then I am afraid that I will slid back into old patterns and lose my grip on myself again and allow him to treat me like crap. I don't really think that this will happen, but it does worry me. I feel relieved that my children are getting older and more capable on their own, it feels like thats one less thing that I will have to keep me there w him. When they were little I would have never dreamed of leaving (w the exception of abuse). So now that they are growing older I can sorta start to see me more separate and on my own than "with the family". I just obviously cannot let him lead me into having another baby.
Sometimes I look at other guys and wonder what it would be like to date them. (no one specific, just in general). I wonder if this is an emotion that I need to worry about or if it is even normal after being in a "normal" marriage after 8 years. Or if it's the product of being treated like crap in the past and just wanting to start over. ALso let me iterate that I wonder what it would be like to "casually" date them. I really do not even feel interested in a serious relationship AT ALL.
So what do you guys think? I have to endure marriage counseling all weekend and I have a therapist appt next week, but I would so love your input as I always do.
