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Post by Elementum on Oct 6, 2013 4:50:16 GMT
 What an Ass. It's a cut down. Just a nasty little snarl to demean. It's that sort of shitty behavior that is vile, insidious and a slow bleed. Got so tired of the little jabs. He stopped them when I started flipping them back at him. Wasn't too proud of myself either, but screw off jacktard. If you haven't something nice to say, STFU. |
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Oct 6, 2013 4:53:16 GMT
Yup, that's what I say too. I fling the insults right back and I don't care how bad it makes me sound or look.
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Post by Elementum on Oct 6, 2013 5:01:53 GMT
ER....I think there is something wrong with our way of thinking...maybe? LOL Are we not supposed to roll over and take it like good little beasts of burden?  Or are those Boundaries with bombs? |
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Oct 6, 2013 5:03:21 GMT
LOL, nothing wrong with us babe it's them! They're crazy not us!
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Post by Elementum on Oct 6, 2013 5:13:21 GMT
Thank You Dr. ER. I was beginning to really wonder if there was something truly *wrong* with me,
Seriously, if some one is nasty and vile, I should smile and be pleasant? No. I won't. Depend on the situation, I have no problem to call a person out either. I don't need to be a vulgar ahole about it . Or avoid them completely. Easy enough. The world is a big roomy place.
I have a tough time with the constant mush though and the crushed. The lack of Self Worth screams. We screw up, for sure, but to read it on some of the boards, you'd think everyone was "perfect" and never said a nasty wordsor acted in a crappy manner. And for a fact, I know is bs...but few people ask those dirty hairy questions. LOL...as the answers aren't pretty.
Different boards, and different levels of "truth" it seems. Interesting phenomenon.
Hoover is now Recycle automatically input for one should they not be "Trained" in correct "speak."
That is quite a terrible little thing to see....tsk tsk.
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Oct 6, 2013 5:23:39 GMT
Recycle? Huh? Not sure I get that, color me puzzled...
I am not perfect. I curse, I scream, I accuse, attack and get pissy. I have bad days when my H is in a good mood and I snap at him when he doesn't deserve it. I get very frustrated with him and sometimes tell him he's stupid. Sometimes I blame him for something even when I know it's not his fault because it just makes me feel better at the moment. Should I do those things? Probably not but I do and sometimes I do it on purpose just because I AM in a really bad mood. I'm human, I have limits that when breached can turn me into a vile, foul mouthed, ranting, raving lunatic but that is not my NORMAL personality or behavior. PD's are like that 99% of the time and so I think some of the way I act or react sometimes is in direct correlation to having lived with one for 2 decades. God knows I've had a great teacher!
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Post by Elementum on Oct 6, 2013 5:33:54 GMT
Hoover is automatically parse into Recycle. In case we are not PC about the terms.
1% of the time = forgivable. But yeah, after 20 years of BS? Pretty hard to maintain an even keel. My mother is completely PA with my dad. That's their lovely marriage. Eeesh.
If I am in a bad mood, I want to be left alone, and that is when stbx used to really go after me. what that was about I will not ever know. But there was an unwritten rule, I was to be Mary Poppins Happy happy and not have other emotions. But...don't work like that.
When I have lashed back, I felt/feel like shit. Even when snarling back at his jibes and digs, I don't like it at all. I am not wrong to slam the defector shields up and dish it back a tad, but that I am even in such a r/s is the problem. I don't want to be. I don't do that crap with my friends!! They don't treat me like that and neither am I lousy to them. Why the hell is it happening in my marriage?
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Oct 6, 2013 5:43:05 GMT
Hmmm so now we're recycled...so did the hoovers get offended about being placed in a negative light? What if recycling gets offended? What do we call it then?
As for defending yourself and lashing out at your H don't beat yourself up over it. You had no idea you were marrying a major head case so you've had to do what is necessary to get through it. You're almost out so keep hanging in there and then you'll never have to look back.
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Post by Elementum on Oct 6, 2013 6:37:46 GMT
LOL...hell if I know. But whatever the reason? I don't care. Just too PC and blah blah blah. It's actually worse if you think about it. Hoover = vacuum cleaner
recycle = garbage.
Meh...so it would suggest that to be recycled at some point we were garbage? Lovely...NOT!
LOL
Twisted and silly crap.
Yep, I know. But damn it, wish I still didn't feel so freaking shitty about it. It's just whack. I have known for years, and KNEW and OWN that it cannot work no matter what I do/ did.. and STILL it hurts. Wish I was a PD. Erase, delete and forget. Nice clean and easy for him I suppose. Paint me black and done. Egh.
Haven't responded to his email as I don't even know what to say. I know no matter what I write, it will be thrown back at me. Communicating with the walls of denial = Pointless. There is no ownership of anything there. Only how wonderful he is in his eyes and it's not all bs, but a lot is. So,..why bother to argue? Silence. I look like the bitch of course, but I am not exactly looking at reconciling either. So it goes. It simply does not work.
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Oct 6, 2013 8:38:56 GMT
Stop caring so much how you look to him. His perception of the world is skewed anyway and no matter what you say or do it will always come across to him as some ulterior motive. That's how mine operates, he believes I must lie awake at night thinking of ways to hurt him. They truly have that paranoia that the world is out to get them.
I know it hurts but you really have to stop caring about it because you are giving him all of your power. Don't let him, his psychosis and the last 10 or so years occupy that much space in your head or time out of your day. When you get up in the morning make the choice NOT to allow him to dominate your time and thoughts. When you catch yourself thinking about it all reprimand yourself and immediately think of something completely unrelated to all of it.
I do that with things I do not want to dwell on and it took some practice but I'm pretty darn good at it now lol. I'm in no way trying o minimize what you've been through or how it makes you feel but there comes a time when you have hashed it out so much you're just running yourself in circles. That's when you have to find a way off of that merry go round of torture.
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Post by Elementum on Oct 6, 2013 8:44:13 GMT
I know you are right ER...it's that he is coming home in 3 weeks that is killing me. Then he is here for 2 months or I don't know what and it will be total crap. My nerves are shot to shit. I know it.  If I could just have the divorce, I would happily pack his crap for him and ship it wherever the hell he wants it. I can't deal with him to be around me, I don't want to. It hammers at the psyche in the worst way and feel like I am dying inside. It was horrid last time. I don't want to see him. NC...I can handle that. Seeing him? Not so much, it kills me. it's the nastiness and bile and then being nice...and then the bile...and round and round...and I am tired. You know, like swimming in the ocean but the current catches you when you swim to far out, but this time the current is really really strong and I don't have the energy for it anymore. One month in the whole year I have seen him, and this is how hammered I still get just thinking about seeing him? Scares the crap out of me. I am not so weak. This is not...normal. |
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Oct 6, 2013 20:53:12 GMT
Of course it's normal, you haven't seen him in damn near a year. You don't know what to expect from him and have only his history of craziness to go by so of course it scares you. No doubt at first he will be good and that will put you at ease and then he'll sense your ease and strike like a cobra which will catch you off guard. The key is to not allow him to rattle you and I know it seems impossible to achieve but really it isn't. Inside you may be shaking like jello but on the outside you have to maintain an air of indifference. He knows what scares you and the key is not to give him any ammunition and to act as though what scares you means nothing anymore. It diffuses the situation almost immediately because if you appear as though you don't care what he says or does then nothing he can come up with will have a negative affect on you and he will run out of ideas. You have to play the game by his rules and there is no rule that says you aren't allowed to fall apart when he's not around but, I'm pretty sure once you see the effect of your behavior on him that your confidence will bolster. You really are the one in control of the situation because as we know PD's aren't in control of anything including themselves which is why they act so stupid.  |
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Post by Elementum on Oct 7, 2013 2:21:27 GMT
 You know the tricks of the PD armor ER . Thank you! Need the reminders though! I am horribly Aware, I know you are right, but it's the back ground noise that is driving the anxiety with me. There is soooo much crap that I let slide off the shields over the years, and "letting go" and 'Living in the PD moment" doesn't work well for me anymore...ergh. I think my come backs from now on will be simple: " Aren't you glad we are getting divorced?"  7 years ago was: " Good!!! You won't miss me when I'm gone then. " The head schmalz is only because he will Be here in my face. Were he Not, it wouldn't bother my anywhere near as much. Cripes. |
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Oct 7, 2013 3:04:15 GMT
I'm always here for a pick me up To be frankly honest I never knew there were ppl who acted like my husband. I knew there were crazy ppl in the world but I never knew anyone who acted like him. Most of the things I know have been learned by trial and error. It was only a very few months ago that I even knew there was support for the family of PD's and I damn sure didn't know the details of the PD world. I think though, in this case, knowledge is a double edged sword. Now that I have a better understanding of PD's it makes me empathize with them at the same time as wanting to leave mine even more and NEVER get tangled with another one. I know for certain if not for the pedophilia I would stick it out with him. The only time I cannot be around him is when he is in a strong negative mood or a full blown rage anything else I have learned to handle with aplomb. My response to anything he says nowadays is, "Okay" and nothing more. It works for me. In your case I know you want it all to just be over and I can sympathize with you. All of this really does do a number on your head until you understand it, in a clinical sense that is, because there really is no understanding who, what, when, where, why and how of mental illnesses. |
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Post by Elementum on Oct 7, 2013 3:42:24 GMT
 ((((ER ))) thank you so much to understand. And Exactly so and the stupidity of why I even bothered trying so long. But....No More. It's done for me. Finding the sick crap again was just the same nail in the coffin from years ago...and screw it. I am done. I want more than that in a partner in my life. And more than quite content to go it alone as well. Turned myself inside out and backwards to get inside his thought processes and you know what? Nothing there with the denial in place. Can't get past that with him. He IS aware...but....sad. It is really sad. So, this is where I go to the black and white of my boundaries. Some things are deal breakers and he broke them all. His lying and denying doesn't change the Facts. |
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