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Post by raindrops on Sept 29, 2013 8:23:02 GMT
Just thought I would drop in to say hi.
I am nearly at my one year separation stage - nearly 11 months since I found the ladder out of my own personal hell. My ex is undiagnosed but I believe he is a narcissistic sociopath. I have two beautiful little boys that I currently share care with my x 50% of the time. I am trying to get that changed but the system is not being my friend - I started the process in February and they won't be hearing us until the middle of October. The emotional wounds are starting to close over but I am remembering more and more strongly those awful moments when I was curled up on the cold concrete floor whilst my x screamed at out infant child. I remember the powerlessness and the emotional agony that left me so raw I felt like I was bleeding to death. I remember the sleepless nights and have only just stopped sleeping on the very edge of the bed. A spark of hope is growing. I will wear my scars with pride, stand in front of my children with a sword in my hand rather than curled up in the ashes of myself and stop hiding so much.
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Post by Elementum on Sept 29, 2013 10:59:02 GMT
 Hello Raindrops!! Lovely to have you here! Sorry that such boards exist, but also glad that they do so we are not alone. You are such a tough lady, my heart aches when I read your story and also the other horrific pieces. Love and strength to you my dear. |
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Post by raindrops on Sept 29, 2013 11:54:01 GMT
I missed you guys. I am glad there are so many of the old faithfuls here! Really cute smilie!!!! I love it!
I was ready to change my outlook as well - I'm not the recovering victim anymore. I'm past that.
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Post by Elementum on Sept 29, 2013 13:44:41 GMT
Smilies SourceEleanorRigby found this for us. Super to read that. Still working on it here!
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Post by raindrops on Sept 30, 2013 8:51:21 GMT
Hi Mea,
There's up days and down days but I am changing how I see myself. I made a dumb ass choice and it sucked but I have paid the price for it now. I am taking control of my life and now I make my own choices. Victims have no choice, their silence is the only voice they have. As soon as I take back my right to choose I cease to be a victim. But that means I can't blame anyone else for my stuff ups too. It means I have to be brave enough to not need him or anyone else. being a victim is awful in many many ways but it can be easy too. To blame another for your crappy experience. Now I have only got myself to blame and I have to own it. I can't allow anyone to dictate to me anymore the terms of my choices or to make me take responsibility for things that are outside of my control. I was shocked when I started to confront that aspect of my life how much I was letting people bully me into taking responsibility for things that I had no control over. The other day I took on 3 blokes at work, all of whom were significantly senior to me about an issue. My direct boss backed me up but I was so proud of myself. Only a couple of months ago I would have let the bully tactics sway me. I also stood up to my ex - he had returned my son in shoes that were too small when I had just gone out and had him properly fitted into new shoes. I asked that the other shoes be returned to me (they were more than I cold afford at the time). The ex got agro straight away claiming the shoes on my son were not too small. I simply stood, restated my wish to have the shoes returned, listened to his agro response again, repeated my claim and finally got an agreement he would return the shoes. He had no idea how bloody scared I was inside. And I got my shoes back!
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Post by Elementum on Sept 30, 2013 9:03:21 GMT
 You are doing awesome given what you went through! I hear you loud and clear on that one. Once you know? It's on you what you do. I can't blame him after I knew what I was dealing with. Pissed at myself though. Spills over into everything else about existence I have noticed. I was at times so terrified I was ready to puke my gutz out and refused to back down, he had no idea. Gets much easier over time.
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Post by Truman on Oct 5, 2013 4:34:20 GMT
Hi, Raindrops, and Welcome, Welcome, Welcome!
I'm real glad you're here.
Now, I think it's really honorable to accept responsibility for the choices we make in our lives.
But I get concerned when I hear people saying things like:
"I made a dumb ass choice and it sucked."
and
"It's on you what you do. I can't blame him after I knew what I was dealing with. Pissed at myself though."
Here's why:
We made the best choices we could make given what we knew, how we felt, and our past experiences.
It's really that simple. We were hopeful and generous, patient and forgiving, non-judgmental and accepting. All those things are traits which make us really good people, and make us valued in society - under normal circumstances.
Maybe we misjudged the situations we were in, but that's what happens when you are hanging on for dear life by your fingernails. We were so blindsided by the irrationality of what was taking place, it took us some time to really get our bearings, catch our breath, and chart out a different course for moving forward.
Still not convinced? Well, think about this:
A lot of our inclinations - the urge to have a companion, to set up a life where another person's needs are taken into account, the urge to be intimate with another individual - all that stuff is ingrained in us as instinct, and that's part of the package that makes us human. If it weren't for those compelling urges, we would've died out as a species - and there would be no boundary.boards to share what experience has taught us now.
So let's not blame ourselves for the tens of thousands of years of evolution we were born with - or for the fact that our parents didn't teach us better ways to protect ourselves. Not our fault.
My therapist wants me to try to remove the "good" and "bad" labels from things, because I'm inclined to think I ought to have done things better. Therapist just wants me to say, "This is the choice I made, I didn't like how it turned out, and I made the choice to do something different - and I am pleased with my new choice."
I can see, Mea and Raindrops, that you ladies are pleased with your new choices - so let's rock on that for a while!
Truman
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Post by Elementum on Oct 5, 2013 5:21:28 GMT
Great post Truman, Thank you.
Still...do kick myself though. I knew better, I did not Do better. Circumstances/ options were really crap, and made the choices.
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Oct 6, 2013 0:22:45 GMT
Stop that Mea, no negative self talk remember (how many times have you had to tell me lol)? We all make the choices we HAVE to make in order to survive based on the information we have at any given moment. To look back and say I should have done this or that is normal BUT it gets you nowhere because you cannot change the past you can only change the present and strive to do better in the future. You know I love you girl, keep your chin up and chest out and try to keep those nagging doubts and voices to a minimum.  |
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Post by Elementum on Oct 6, 2013 2:19:52 GMT
 I know, I know...but still angry at myself. I can't get the time lost back. THAT is what really gets me. Doing the wifey poo role and getting screwed over at the same time, DAMN!!! I was soo effing blind , stupid and trusting. How to get over being angry at myself is the hardest part for me. I knew something was wrong and didn't fight it, I went along to keep the peace and I knew it at the time. So pissed off. Got a lot in the brain case on this...allowing it when I would not ever have tolerated that before. And I know it was due to having been overseas and alone and he knew it too. |
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Oct 6, 2013 2:31:57 GMT
I did ALL of the same things only I've done it twice as long! The way I have found to "forgive" myself for allowing all of the bs is to chalk it up to a learning experience. If I had never gone through it I would never be the wiser so it has taught me a great many things not only about others but mostly about myself.
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Post by Elementum on Oct 6, 2013 2:48:26 GMT
2x as long is what floors me. I could not do it. And the crap you went through on top of it? I would not have made it out sane. Albeit the sane part remains debatable. The PD crap and the mess left in their passing galls me. Not a care in the world , move along and destroy the next nice person who gets blindsided by it. Some days, I wonder who the PD is, and look over the PTSD info and there I am. This is true. Look at life and r/s very differently now. Still have to kick my ass out there and DO more. Keep hiding and I don't like that. Used to off and go and Do....but now? Egh. Work = no problem...but otherwise? Lalalala.....last 2 months of this BS. Then, I will kick my A$$ OUT and DO . Now? I wait till the dust settles. It has yet to kick up which is just as nerve wracking...LOL. Argh! |
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Oct 6, 2013 2:54:32 GMT
Always waiting for the other shoe to drop...yep, I know how that feels as I'm sure all of us nons understand. I understand the hiding out too, waiting for the dust to settle, going to work no problem but going anywhere else? I have no want to. I have always had a touch of social anxiety but now? I almost go into panic attacks if I have to leave the house and go somewhere. I am so self conscious and I know I shouldn't rate myself so high as to believe people have nothing better to do than stare at me, point and laugh but no one who has never felt it will ever understand it.
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Post by Elementum on Oct 6, 2013 3:17:23 GMT
That must be a brutal feeling and also one that traps you with him. Makes it easier to keep you locked down. Would joining a Yoga class/ art class/ adult education class or something like that help? Force yourself past it, by making a commitment to BE somewhere, then BE there. I know I have had to do that. No, I think they are too busy worrying about themselves.  hehehe....ya know, when someone has stared for whatever stupid reason. Being a furriner here, tend to attract more attention, I have done the Quasimodo thing, hunch over ,drag the back leg and slump along...just to be an Ahole. Give them something to stare at. ach..I'm bad...I know. 
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Oct 6, 2013 3:26:47 GMT
LMAO!!! I LOVE IT!! I'm gonna call you Quasi now LOLOL, not really but I think I'll do that next time I have to go out. As for forcing myself out and about I am hoping getting into school will help me get back to who I used to be. I used to go EVERYWHERE. I went clubbing, shopping, to the beach and the best thing too was that I had friends who loved to be with me and go places. I long for those days but now I only want one or two really close friends not a whole bunch.
A funny thing happened the other day, H informed me that he was going to a friends house for some beer and a bonfire. I said, "Oh so when I meet new ppl in school and they want me to go out for coffee or something then I'm going to go." His only response was with a snicker and "I don't think you'll be hanging out with any of the girls you'll be in class with" He's ASSuming that there will be no one close to my age. He just might be surprised considering all of the classes I have to take are related to nursing and there are older women going back to school for the first time after raising a family and, they'll have to take the same classes I'm taking if they are going to be nurses. So there! LOL
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