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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Sept 28, 2013 23:58:17 GMT
I got that and a hug today from my husband as he was preparing to leave this evening to go see a friend.
I have no doubt that, in whatever way he is capable, he genuinely loves me, I love him too but I don't say it anymore. The problem I have is that he is aware of his mental illnesses and still chooses to behave in underhanded ways, he is only saying things like that and giving me hugs and gifts because I have become indifferent to him. If I was to show any affection or act as though I wanted affection from him he would shut down immediately so now the only reaction he gets from me is neutral.
There is an old adage that says, "You only argue with those you care about." I have stopped arguing because there is no point to it. I can argue with him until the cows come home and nothing will change so I have simply decided that regardless of how he behaves, I'm neutral. Of course if he puts his hands on me that's another story entirely and he will be picking his ass up off the floor when it's over but otherwise I don't care.
He has always been able to get a reaction from me whether it be to threaten me or my pets, talk trash about my family and friends and in the past he has used the threat that he's going to reveal some earth shattering, scandalous information about me to his mother or the world. Now I just act as though nothing he says or does affects me and I know it's eating him up. He's not mad, he's worried.
I have decided that no matter how much I love him, how much I hate to lose another marriage, no matter if I end up living the rest of my life alone and dying alone that I will never allow him or anyone else to hurt me again. It is so hard and so damn frustrating to see the about face they do when they know they are losing control. They pout, they rage, they hoover but they never accept the truth. My husband is having to learn some very painful lessons now because I will not accept his reality as my own any longer. He will see the truth and if he chooses not to see it then he can just go find someone else to share his fantasy world with because I'm done.
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Post by Elementum on Sept 29, 2013 0:33:07 GMT
This PD is so assbackwards yep. Mine is / was same. Haven't seen him for more than 4 weeks this entire year so, kind of blah on the whole thing. But also for years before, A hug? Not returned, no gentle affection. Agh done with this crap. Yep, and I don't like that one either. Why to argue? Why not discuss? The arguments that would break out here, when I worked them back wards, there was nothing fundamentally important that could not have been simply discussed and solved. Each time was some stupid manner in which I was being hammered for the tone of voice I had used.  And there was no tone anymore because I was monitoring myself in "discussions" with him I was flat neutral. Drove me batty. The rare time I fired back there was tone. And then I was out of there. Not fighting with crazy anymore. Just had enough. Couple years of that and I gave up trying to talk to him because it was a minefield. Then I got hammered for NOT talking to him. Well...yeah...I don't believe we have spoken about anything other than, plumbing , electricals and the weather in years. Pretty freaking bad. Other than general what's for dinner, garden, dogs and flight arrangements. Pretty sure 99% that mine has a replacement. He's not worried nor does he care. I am no longer useful to him. Agree. A one sided relationship isn't worth to stick around for. Too draining. It's more pleasant to be alone. Nothing worse than feeling lonely when your partner is sitting next to you and making a big show of ignoring you or being nasty. Just sick of it all. |
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Post by raindrops on Sept 29, 2013 10:37:04 GMT
Wow! I tried the same thing to end the arguments - flat expression, stand there and let the BS roll over the top of me, reply with a one liner stating my position, let the BS go on some more, restate my position on and on and on. Finally I would manage to walk away and then the circus would start up again as soon as I came back from my walk or the next day or whatever. Ugh. And he wonders why I don't communicate. The court counselor recommended that we needed to communicate more. Does the stupid woman even realize what that would cost me? and she put - raindrops claims nNPD's behavior is "abusive" - what is with the quotations marks?? Why didn't she write down one of the 5 or 6 examples I gave to back it up?? Why does it make me feel like she thinks I am being unreasonable and hysterical? Damn it I am so mad!
ER - that rubbish that he really loves you - manipulative crap. What does he think love is for goodness sake? It is not a hug, it is not words, it is being safe to be around, someone to trust!!
Don't worry about the scandalous information. My ex's brother is trying on that crap ATM. Gossip is just that - gossip and anyone who doesn't realise that isn't worth your time!
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Sept 29, 2013 21:09:32 GMT
Hi Raindrops  You're right, anyone who truly knows and cares about me won't believe gossip. I'm only a bit concerned because he will lie and he has threatened me here lately with making up crap that can get me arrested and ruin my nursing career. Mea, as for the arguing I agree why argue? However, as we all know, sitting down and discussing an issue with a PD in a reasonable, adult manner is impossible. As for him having a replacement I have to tell you what happened recently but be warned there is crass language ahead LOL. I have cut him off from sex but there are times that I have needs that have to be met and since I am still married I will not cheat. I know, I know, I could take care of it myself but still sometimes I need that human interaction. So, this is what happened recently...we were doing our thing and I said to him "What have you been feeding your buddy? He seems bigger than I remember." he responded with a shrug. I then asked "Are you feeding him blondes, redheads or brunettes? Or maybe all three." Without missing a beat he said "Black" I asked "Black?" and he said "Yeah black, chocolate." I dropped it right there and didn't ask anymore because it makes me wonder if he's teasing me or if he's serious. It makes me wonder because he has always wanted to be with a black person, male or female. Don't get me wrong, I have no issue with race I care only if a person treats me with respect.
I'm just biding my time...
I think I should change my name to that since I say it so damn much LOL |
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Post by Elementum on Sept 29, 2013 23:07:45 GMT
Yep, unless you are a "Yes" man. Heaven forbid you disagree on one small point. Compromise? What's that?
Doubt he is teasing. Can you imagine his reaction were he to ask you a similar type of question and you answered with anything other than "You, honey!"
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Sept 29, 2013 23:36:14 GMT
Compromise? I don't believe that word exist in the PD vocabulary. As for the other topic LOL I have no idea how he would react TBH because he likes the idea of me with other men BUT if I were to do it without his knowledge I'm 99% certain he would try to kill me. There's always that 1% that says he would love it. I'm actually suspicious that he is doing something behind my back because he has been acting differently here lately. He doesn't seem at all bothered when I tell him that I am still leaving him. Normally he would want to fight, beg, plead and pout. Maybe he's doing the reverse psychology thing on me too LMAO! Wouldn't that be a riot!
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Post by Elementum on Sept 29, 2013 23:45:11 GMT
Same here. As long as he can remain civil and decent. I'm fine with that. But I rather doubt it. Stbx needs to be nasty. Being civil towards me nearly kills him I think. If he is not Master of the Universe, he can't hold it together around me. He leaks out with snide rankness...*sigh*
I just want it finally over. Then I can breathe again.
Still feel sad and shitty about it, still, it's no way to live. Why does he have to be so fantastic and so horrible? BPD. The extremes. Extreme good , extreme bad. If I could scrape the bad part out? Not going to happen though.
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Sept 30, 2013 0:10:27 GMT
I have often said that if I could take the BP/BPD out of my H he would be a great guy. My H DOES have a conscience, a soul and a heart but the PD keeps it under lock and key. I have noticed that if my husband shows ANY vulnerability at all toward anyone once he realizes he has let his guard down he immediately puts it back up and everyone around him pays hell for his "moment of weakness".
One of the worst times is after sex, omg he gets downright hateful by the next day. It does not matter that the sex is mechanical and cold it's just the fact that he put himself into a position to possibly be ridiculed. According to him and his mother, his first ex-wife humiliated him when it came to sex and she would also not participate but just lay there like a corpse. My H was only 14 when he met and started dating her and 17 when they married, she was 17 when they met and 20 when they married. She also had been around the block quite a few times by the time she met my H so he had no chance against her.
I can understand why, with his PD, that he feels the way he does about sex and after. He's self conscious but damn you would think after 20 years with me he would past all that! And when it comes to other forms of affection he's just as bad. It makes me so damn mad because after all these years he and his mother STILL compare me to his first ex wife. I swear they have no fucking clue what I truly look like because they only see her when they look at me. It doesn't help either that both of us have long curly dark hair, blue eyes and we're fat lol but seriously, come on.
Sorry to go off into a whole new rant...
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Post by Elementum on Sept 30, 2013 0:19:19 GMT
Yeah,..what's with that with them? Dunno. I am still mushy in the head and all soft and gooey. Which is also why, it's such a Betrayal Bond tie in. Egh, this stuff is such mindf*ck material.
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Sept 30, 2013 0:29:03 GMT
I think it's because they let their guard down and make themselves vulnerable. Think about it, you're in bed naked with another person, having sex. When are you more vulnerable than that?! They likely feel and or say things in the moment that they would never feel or say any other time and once it's all over they have to put those walls up again to stay safe. They can't have anyone knowing the real person under all that muck and mire of PD.
That of course does not mean we have to tolerate it but it explains a whole lot to me. It must be torture to live in such fear every second you live of being found out that you really do possess a soul and feelings.
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Post by Elementum on Sept 30, 2013 0:58:16 GMT
Probably right. But then, why all the sick porn? Such a mess.
ER, really struggling today...killing me thinking about all this stuff and the emotions are just blinding. Thank god for work. Or I would crumble.
Even with all the craziness, the insanity, the good times? They were really good...and I know intellectually, this cannot be correct, but emotionally? It's been a tar pit. Wish the damn heart would just up and stop or dry up or whatever...but some days, it gets right back into action and slaughters me,
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Sept 30, 2013 1:09:29 GMT
Why the porn? There is no risk of being rejected or ridiculed and it's available whenever and wherever they want it besides, they don't have to invest or put forth any effort to get what they want other than you know lol. I'm sorry you're having such a bad day Mea and I swear it will get better just keep hanging in there and one day this will all be a distant nightmare.  |
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Post by Elementum on Sept 30, 2013 1:17:25 GMT
(((((ER)))))) Thanks, I needed that. Some days though? It just grinds at the soul in the worst way. If he walked in the door now? Ugh...dunno ...ya know? and then I need to focus on the crap...and that hurts too. Only way out is through...  |
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Sept 30, 2013 3:06:18 GMT
I know what you mean honey, your heart and your head are in a constant battle. Your heart says maybe and your head says I'm outta here. Just hold your course and don't second guess yourself. You KNOW what is right for YOU and you can't let anyone else or their situation give you pause. And you know what? We're allowed to wonder "what if" just don't let it immobilize you and keep you in a place that you aren't happy or healthy. Ignore your heart and your head and listen to your gut because it never lies.
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Post by Elementum on Sept 30, 2013 3:46:57 GMT
I know you're right. Just hurting today. The tears are out of whack. At the gym, running, can't stop the damn things. LOL.
Bah!!!
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