|
|
Post by Elementum on Sept 22, 2013 9:09:18 GMT
Self Esteem vs. Self Worth
Self Worth
The best way to understand self worth is to ask yourself how valuable you are, or how much you deserve to have something you prize (For example, a great relationship, expensive clothes, success at school or a fabulous job). In fact, many highly talented and gifted people sabotage opportunities that come their way as they feel they’re not worth it, or aren’t good enough. In terms of origins, our experiences in childhood play a critical part in determining what we believe we deserve, and what we can accomplish, and what we should expect. (That is, our basic sense of self worth.) Of course, the healthy thing is to always challenge this, and to keep on working on our basic beliefs, and to go for bigger goals, so we keep growing our successes. And success, here, can be a wide range of things – a fabulous partner who always treats us well, applying for a course or a job we really want, or getting a promotion and moving up the ladder. The goal is to reach your full potential in the end.
Self Esteem
In contrast, self esteem is a bit more transient and can change in an instant - depending on what happens. So we can dress really well and feel quite good about ourselves, and then a friend makes a nasty comment, and our self-esteem falters, and we feel completely crushed. That’s how fragile our self esteem can be. But the good news is … it is easier to fix, as a compliment from others can bolster us again!
From this we can see that a healthy self worth is harder to cultivate – but more important, too. Hence, we should work on both – as each affects our thoughts and feelings – but mainly focus on improving our self worth … as this set the course, and the direction, of our lives!
In a PD r/s our sense of self worth and self esteem can take a major shit kicking. Getting that back is hard work. Boundaries work a long way to protecting one's sense of Self. Taking care of yourself is key.
|
|
|
|
Post by Eleanor Rigby on Sept 22, 2013 14:19:14 GMT
I feel like the dumbest person on earth after reading this. How could I not figure out why I feel, act and react the way I do? Thank you Mea for posting this.
In my experience I was never given a sense of worth as a child so it is much harder to accept that I deserve anything good in life. I struggle to accept praise and compliments, expect others to respect me, why I rarely pursue my dreams much less realize them, spend all of my time nurturing and supporting those around me instead of nurturing myself and, the list is endless...
It is no mystery why I have struggled so damn much in my life and why I married a PD, I was set up from birth to be a doormat and I gave it my all! At least I was good at something huh? Reading this has bolstered me to divorce my husband for sure now. I have a tentative plan of action to do just that and continue on my journey of healing. He can't get to me anymore and neither can his mother because they don't matter to me like they used to. That chapter of my life is ending and a new chapter is being written. I can't wait to exhale...
|
|
|
|
Post by Elementum on Sept 22, 2013 14:47:59 GMT
You are good at many things ER, only your PDh will not ever say a decent or kind word. We need to Not look to our PD mates for validation, but rather ourselves. You know when you have done something well. Pat yourself on the back and carry on. It would be lovely to hear a pleasant word from the mate...but they are not capable. The last thing they want to is to see you succeed. Why? It makes them feel "less than." Which is so bizarre. I haven't figured out how that works but have read it many times. They feel no joy for you in your success. *meh* which is part of why they are a sick ass group of humans. Best left to themselves. Sounds cruel, but after years of dealing with it? Kinda done with it.
FOO same. Cannot look to the FOO for validation. Know it for yourself that you have done well. Or even when we bugger up, don't beat ourselves up for it. Own it and fix it. Not the end of the world.
Taking care of you, Body, Mind, Spirit and Boundaries, self worth flows back in there.
Another trick for not allowing hits at self esteem: Decide for yourself whether or not the individual is in your opinion capable of holding a valid opinion. If not, no matter what they say, it will not matter. Cannot affect you.
|
|
|
|
Post by Eleanor Rigby on Sept 22, 2013 15:26:41 GMT
After I wrote that I went to cleaning my kitchen and as many ppl do I was thinking, analyzing, self talking and standing up to the demons in my head (mil, H, FOO). I came to the realization that the reason I get so frustrated and angry with his mother is because I traded my own mother for her and since my own mother never validated me and approved of me I transferred all of that over to the mil. It was not fair for me to do that but she also accepted the position so she has equal responsibility. She has always validated my feelings, she has stood up for me against her son BUT there have been just as many times that she has torn me down BECAUSE of her son and her own issues. I realize now that I have been waiting for permission from her to leave her son. I also realize that I don't need her or anyone's permission, I have a right to be loved and cherished not beaten and beaten down. I have a right of expectation to be treated the same way I treat others, I have a right to eliminate ppl from my life who are not good for me and to feel no remorse or obligation for doing so, I have the right to be happy and to pursue whatever makes me happy, I have a right to have opinions and feelings and I have a right to express them, I have the right to be whatever and whomever I want to be. I have the right to just be. 09/22/13 14:26 Been doing some more thinking and this is what I came up with... My Boundaries and Affirmations
by Eleanor Rigby
1. No means no and is not negotiable.
2. I will not tolerate abuse of any kind from anyone and if it occurs I will immediately remove myself from the situation.
3. I will never stay in or go back to an abusive situation for any reason.
4. I will not compromise my beliefs for any reason.
5. I will pursue my dreams without guilt.
6. I will not compromise my dreams for any reason.
7. I will gracefully accept praise and compliments that I have earned.
8. I will live my life in a way that is positive and right for me and I will not apologize for it.
9. I will always be respectful of others.
10. I will expect others to always be respectful of me.
11. I will remember my past without remorse or regret.
12. I will let go of past hurts and betrayals so they cannot haunt my present and future.
13. I will allow myself to make mistakes and still be okay.
14. I will not try to fix or rescue others.
15. I will not martyr myself for others.
16. I will own my mistakes and do what I can to rectify them.
17. I will allow others to make and own their mistakes and to rectify them if they so choose.
18. I will not own or carry the shame and guilt of others.
19. I will not seek permission from others to be happy or to pursue happiness.
20. I will learn to be a better friend.
21. I will allow others to love me.
22. I will love myself.
|
|
|
|
Post by Elementum on Sept 23, 2013 13:30:25 GMT
Those are great Eleanor!  |
|
|
|
Post by Eleanor Rigby on Sept 23, 2013 14:31:24 GMT
Thanks Mea  (I'm feeling cheesy today lol) |
|
|
|
Post by CGisNuts on Sept 23, 2013 15:28:04 GMT
I believe that both are taught and reenforced at a very young age. Especially self worth. Being good at what you do for example is a talent, but having the confidence to do it and express it comes from self-esteem.
I was taught self worth as a child and I see that my stbEx was not and I can see how it affected her.
Without both, it's very hard to move forward and have the confidence to succeed and grow. Succeed meaning not money, but confidence to continue to grow.
I don't think a person who doesn't 100% believe it inside or have that mindset can grow on their own, they need a powerful partner or support system to push them and it has to be learned.
It is also a good defense mechanism.
To believe in yourself is that one thing when all the chips are down and things are looking bleak that keeps you going and keeps the light at the end of the tunnel shinning.
|
|
|
|
Post by CGisNuts on Sept 23, 2013 17:06:12 GMT
Oh yeah and I forgot to add:
"In a PD r/s our sense of self worth and self esteem can take a major shit kicking. Getting that back is hard work. Boundaries work a long way to protecting one's sense of Self. Taking care of yourself is key. "
Yes, building back up our boundaries is a tough thing. Once we get out of any PD relationships, falling back into one is easy because it's comfortable in ways, or I should say familiar. So then we are back to square one.
I've fallen into one so this is now a big challenge.
|
|
|
|
Post by Elementum on Sept 24, 2013 8:18:49 GMT
Sometimes, that all you have.
|
|
