Post by Elementum on Sept 14, 2013 18:50:43 GMT
Random babbles. Maybe others can relate. First time around the pain was unbearable. And the ranting and raving and sheer nastiness was ongoing. Hadn't the RO but was losing my mind. Was my GF who sat with me and did the work on the translation for the RO application. She knew and had seen him in action as had my neighbors who also agreed they would testify if I needed. When it finally went through and he called again with the usual vile accusation, I told him. He blew up of course, but there was no going back. 2.5 years. Damn did that hurt like hell. I was just a waste case. Couldn't sleep or eat properly for months and exhausted. The nightmares were hellish.
2.5 years later, he calls from overseas. He was nice. Friendly had almost real conversations. I had no idea about BPD. None. Turned out, he wanted a divorce. Which he had refused previously. Ok....but then it turned into a hoover when he knew I had met somebody else. So, the beginning of the next 7 years was typically strange. Just surreal. And looking back I can see the effects of Trauma Bonding, Stockholm Syndrome, Cognitive dissonance and blind hope that he was different. That because I loved him so much that he would know that and try and stop the crazy stuff which he admitted he knew was wrong. He even signed papers stating his guilt and promises that it would "never happen again." Which it did. Again and again. The drinking would swing from the ridiculous, to cut cold turkey. Then he would shake like a leaf.
In short, it got worse the second time around. More dangerous and more volatile and nastier. It "sort of" improved using the BPD Tools, but that only occurred as a result of not being at home at all when he was home. Kind of a sick joke. I had to run. I don't know...what is that? BPD marriage from hell. There is so much shit, to start would not stop. It's nutz. Each vacation was a fucking hell. Each one. Had to find another hotel in the middle of the night or sleep somewhere in a lobby because he psychoed. And then he would "forget" and ...screw it. For him, it was "normal." WTF?
I guess the really first red flag should have been the jealousy. It was over the top, and the concept that "fighting proves how much you love" WTF? And his projection that I "needed" him, haven't worked out that one yet. Then there was the lying and the cheating which, of course I believed the lies. Stupid me. So freaking naive. What kind of a fucked up mind would do that to another person and then say " I love you." WTF is that?
Since September of last year, to this, have seen him all of 4 weeks. Wow...that's a good marriage to a BPD or you go insane. It's also probably why I am so flat unemotional about 3/4 of the pain I read from others online. It's a given. BPD rape your soul and don't give a damn. They have no clue and no desire to get a clue. The 3 nanoseconds of a light bulb? And the promises that came with that? Blow that out my ass.
You know the stupid part? I stayed and tried. The other stupid part? I used to have compassion and empathy bleeding all over the place for him. Nearly killed me. No more. Zip. The nastiness in his eyes the last time here, just killed me. Was over anyways and the landing gear was getting read to drop...but there's always that bloody little bit of "hope" which is , seriously? Total bullshit in reality. But the damn thing is there...so yeah. Numb.
It's just so not my fucking problem anymore, it's so not funny. Can barely feel a damn thing more than half the time as it is, which is a good thing. Kind of throws me off when dealing with others, I know, the pain, know that well. So many variations on the pain theme it's a goddamn wonder and others have had much worse and more. Then, empathy for the PD who doesn't give a shit?? Fuck that noise!
Bunch of crap was brewing under the brain case the last couple days and can not ever get it all out. So freaking much of it. Breathe in breathe out...tomorrow will be better. 2 more months of Unknown then the shit hits the fan for the grande finale and then it's whatever happens happens and I am finished with it all on a permanent fucking life time basis.
Moral of the story....second time around is worse than the first.
2.5 years later, he calls from overseas. He was nice. Friendly had almost real conversations. I had no idea about BPD. None. Turned out, he wanted a divorce. Which he had refused previously. Ok....but then it turned into a hoover when he knew I had met somebody else. So, the beginning of the next 7 years was typically strange. Just surreal. And looking back I can see the effects of Trauma Bonding, Stockholm Syndrome, Cognitive dissonance and blind hope that he was different. That because I loved him so much that he would know that and try and stop the crazy stuff which he admitted he knew was wrong. He even signed papers stating his guilt and promises that it would "never happen again." Which it did. Again and again. The drinking would swing from the ridiculous, to cut cold turkey. Then he would shake like a leaf.
In short, it got worse the second time around. More dangerous and more volatile and nastier. It "sort of" improved using the BPD Tools, but that only occurred as a result of not being at home at all when he was home. Kind of a sick joke. I had to run. I don't know...what is that? BPD marriage from hell. There is so much shit, to start would not stop. It's nutz. Each vacation was a fucking hell. Each one. Had to find another hotel in the middle of the night or sleep somewhere in a lobby because he psychoed. And then he would "forget" and ...screw it. For him, it was "normal." WTF?
I guess the really first red flag should have been the jealousy. It was over the top, and the concept that "fighting proves how much you love" WTF? And his projection that I "needed" him, haven't worked out that one yet. Then there was the lying and the cheating which, of course I believed the lies. Stupid me. So freaking naive. What kind of a fucked up mind would do that to another person and then say " I love you." WTF is that?
Since September of last year, to this, have seen him all of 4 weeks. Wow...that's a good marriage to a BPD or you go insane. It's also probably why I am so flat unemotional about 3/4 of the pain I read from others online. It's a given. BPD rape your soul and don't give a damn. They have no clue and no desire to get a clue. The 3 nanoseconds of a light bulb? And the promises that came with that? Blow that out my ass.
You know the stupid part? I stayed and tried. The other stupid part? I used to have compassion and empathy bleeding all over the place for him. Nearly killed me. No more. Zip. The nastiness in his eyes the last time here, just killed me. Was over anyways and the landing gear was getting read to drop...but there's always that bloody little bit of "hope" which is , seriously? Total bullshit in reality. But the damn thing is there...so yeah. Numb.
It's just so not my fucking problem anymore, it's so not funny. Can barely feel a damn thing more than half the time as it is, which is a good thing. Kind of throws me off when dealing with others, I know, the pain, know that well. So many variations on the pain theme it's a goddamn wonder and others have had much worse and more. Then, empathy for the PD who doesn't give a shit?? Fuck that noise!
Bunch of crap was brewing under the brain case the last couple days and can not ever get it all out. So freaking much of it. Breathe in breathe out...tomorrow will be better. 2 more months of Unknown then the shit hits the fan for the grande finale and then it's whatever happens happens and I am finished with it all on a permanent fucking life time basis.
Moral of the story....second time around is worse than the first.
