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Post by CGisNuts on Sept 11, 2013 17:30:03 GMT
Don't know why but have started to fall back into old habits.
I had slept today till 9 and I never sleep this late until about a week ago. Usually up and around by 730-8. I wouldn't care usually but I have noticed a depression building up.
So why lie, you all are friends here....
I've started to become friendly with my stbEx W.
Why? After everything she has done? IDK. I really don't.
Forgiveness, so easy, why? What she did was unforgivable for at least a while and after "repayment" such as...... a simple appology. An explanation. etc.
Why can I forgive so easy?
It's as if she stole a salt and pepper shaker, not almost ruined my life.
Forgiveness is great and healthy, but I gave it to her so easy.
What is wrong with me?
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Sept 11, 2013 17:48:47 GMT
Hi CG I know just what you mean.
I am having one hell of a time staying the course of leaving my bp/bpd/pedo husband. After 19 years of hell, countless broken promises and betrayal beyond belief I still struggle with his "good" days. Those days when he's calm and playful not raging at and threatening me.
I find it so hard to look at him and not see the hurt little boy in his eyes. I cannot bear to think that if I do ever leave for good that I will purposely be hurting him and it makes me feel so damn selfish. The guilt of feeling selfish is what makes me stumble so hard. It's super easy when you are angry and hurt to say never again but when all of that eases and calmness comes over you your head and your heart go to war again over which one is right or wrong.
It's so damn unfair.
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Post by Elementum on Sept 11, 2013 19:41:21 GMT
Well....give it another shot then CG, prove it to yourself one last time. That's all there really is. I made that same error. "What if" ..LOL....you will soon enough in a short period of time be doing the *head scratch* and "what IS" will be sucking the life out of you again. And the second time round? Is really bad. When you go then? You will not be feeling this great guilt. Rather, kicking yourself in the ass for having fallen back into the BS pit.
Why did you leave in the first place?
7 years from now, will be more and worse of the same BS. Don;t believe me? US$10K says....I am right and I don't bet unless I know I will win.
But if you're up for it, I could use 10K now, and give you 6 months to lose me the money,
I'll send you my banking details for transfer...
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Post by unicorn on Sept 12, 2013 20:05:49 GMT
Yeah it sucks. I'm stuck with him too, despite knowing better now. I feel so stuck and confused on what to do. But you know remembering and reading our old posts. It helps SO much! I am hoping that one day I will wake up answer will be right there waiting on me.
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Post by Elementum on Sept 13, 2013 2:42:42 GMT
PLAN OF ACTION
That is what you need to DO.
There will NOT be a "miracle escape" Unicorn.
Sometimes, the plan can take years. It's not magikal wishful dreamy BS where people are yelling at you to "just leave" because it is NOT that easy. But, you do know and are aware and you can set a POA up and follow through. One step at a time. You can do this. And as you do so, you will feel better and become more proactive about your situation.
Give yourself more credit my dear. It is BRUTAL working your way out of this mess emotionally and mentally. Been there and done that and am painfully aware that it takes TIME. It also requires FOCUS.
It;s one thing to Forgive, it's another to Forget. They are not the same. I can forgive the first time, but not the 99th time. Then I am a fool. This girl is no fool no more. To hell with the PD tools, I want a LIFE and maybe one day a healthy normal partner. Not a mental nurse position. A little mangled is ok though
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Post by unicorn on Sept 13, 2013 21:35:22 GMT
totally...it isn't easy and it's not quick.
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Post by Elementum on Sept 13, 2013 21:38:38 GMT
(((Unicorn)))
It isn't. And you must take care of YOU. Boundaries and all that fun stuff. Try not to back slide on that. Protects your mind set and your heart. As you back away, you will also have your perspective shift. And where you could not see a way out...you will see it.
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Post by unicorn on Sept 13, 2013 22:49:52 GMT
Thats what I am hoping and praying for. I definitely can't unsee or, that would have happened by now. I am still floored at his ability to keep up this act now. He even bought my mom a surprise gift last night. That fucker has never done anything ever for my mom. (10 yrs) really? He's crazy. I feel more like myself than i have in years. It feels repressive though, considering I married him at 18. So I guess I fear that I am regressing back to that rebellious angsty teenager I was. But I think thats the only thing I have to fall back on. At least I can remind myself that in that "brainwashed/foggy" time I also became a mother, finished college and started a career. As far as my plan of action goes, 1. no more babies 2. secret savings acct after bankruptcy is discharged 3. no more major debts in "both" of our names 4. continue to do well in job 5. continue to be a good mom 6. try not to fuck around....
I obviously didn't mean to hijack CGisNuts!! Although I do wonder how you are doing... with your old habits...
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Post by Elementum on Sept 14, 2013 4:58:00 GMT
Good plan and gives you focus: 1. no more babies 2. secret savings acct after bankruptcy is discharged 3. no more major debts in "both" of our names 4. continue to do well in job 5. continue to be a good mom 6. try not to fuck around.... # 6? = *head scratch* as in no more wasting time I take it? OR other translation? Know what you mean. The fire comes back. Gets doused around crazy when always second guessing and trying to side step land mines and all the tracer bullets and hell knows what coming one's way. Once you SEE and own what is really going on and also your part in the dance...you can change, but he remains the same and then starts pushing other buttons to get a reaction out of you. It just starts getting really weird and surreal and....nah. With the large time gaps apart, it was much easier for me. Both to see it and put up with it for so long. Had I had to live with him 24/7/365 I could not do it. I know that. And now? Why to try? No point. It's just a really bad freaky dream some times. Like: This can't really be my life? It's not bad, when he's not here. I am busy, have my work and businesses. But...when he is here? It ought to be adding to the joy of it all and sharing the fun times, but...there isn't. It's the put downs. Within 3 hours or 24 hours of being home, an explosion over who knows what? And it starts all over again and again and again....might as well be alone. Then I have peace. Edit: While I am ranting quietly and with the rain softly falling, the other side of that, even with the Tools and walking away, you know, I could not "Walk away" he followed me, screaming, throwing stuff and how the hell do you make that work? At some point? Love just dies a slow and sickly death. End. What's to resurrect anything for? No reason. More of the same torture? No. I deserve better than that. And I can give it to myself. The beautiful value of PEACE is so undervalued. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Also guilty of Hijacking! CG where are you at with the old habits? Need my banking details?  |
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