Post by Elementum on Sept 5, 2013 9:49:04 GMT
Strange feeling to finally get the paper work in motion. After going through various law firms and digging up information and kicking the 1.5 months of total slap down depression...totally not functional at all. Most unreal thing I ever felt...just total zero. 5 years knowing it was BPD or some PD and the last 2 years...4 weeks in 2013 in the same locale and no interactions other than dodging the snarling and 4 months in 2012...and all the stuff from before and working through it. And still feel crap. Know I can't solve the problem and still cannot "hate". PD's have it so much easier I guess. Paint the partner black and move on. Just doesn't work like that for the rest of us.
I know it's the only solution, he will not ever see the problem. Because, he doesn't have a problem, it's my problem. Give up, just can't. and I won't. Just too tired anymore to even think about it. The anger has long since died out. Comes and goes to a degree, read the old journals and the memories fire back..and..sooooo much crap that was so pointless and stupid and I couldn't dance fast enough out of the way of the storms. Even boundaries where kind of horrific as had to run like a rabbit..insane. But it became "normal" and it certainly was and is not. The last time home him snarling " better get used to it" after ripping my head off over heck if I know what...just so many nasty things. Egh..still hurts.
I know it's the only solution, he will not ever see the problem. Because, he doesn't have a problem, it's my problem. Give up, just can't. and I won't. Just too tired anymore to even think about it. The anger has long since died out. Comes and goes to a degree, read the old journals and the memories fire back..and..sooooo much crap that was so pointless and stupid and I couldn't dance fast enough out of the way of the storms. Even boundaries where kind of horrific as had to run like a rabbit..insane. But it became "normal" and it certainly was and is not. The last time home him snarling " better get used to it" after ripping my head off over heck if I know what...just so many nasty things. Egh..still hurts.
