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Post by findinghelp on Sept 2, 2013 22:42:40 GMT
Hello! Findinghelp here. Heard there was some crazy stuff happening at OOTF. Too bad. That place was great. So, about me if you don't know me from before- my mom has not been diagnosed but surely has Dependent Personality Disorder and possibly is a waif borderline. As a child she subjucted me to sexual abuse. It ended when I was 10, she got off drugs and both of us acted like the last 5 years never happened. Cut to 30 years later, her husband of 25 years dies and she moves 1 mile from me and my family. After a couple of years of extreme codependency I freak out and go No Contact. Got myself into therapy and that's when I realized that not only did I need to get some boundaries, but I also needed to deal with the childhood abuse. So, while my boundaries are pretty good these days, I still have not spoken to my mother. It's been just over a year now. Still finding help, still working on it.  |
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ember
New Member
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Post by ember on Sept 2, 2013 23:34:35 GMT
Hi FindingHelp! Glad you're here and even gladder (is that a word?!) that you could be so strong telling your story!
And of course your insight is uncanny and amazing so I couldn't be happier to know you'll be able to help others who are struggling with similar issues.
Big hug!
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Post by Elementum on Sept 3, 2013 2:13:40 GMT
Hello Findinghelp and ember,
Hope the board will be a good place to support and vent.
It's a horror of a thought that a parent ever abuses their child and especially sexually. I cannot fathom the agony a child must go through and the emotional mental torment later in life.
HUGS to both of you and welcome
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Post by Truman on Sept 9, 2013 2:41:02 GMT
Hi Finding Help!
I'm glad you're here, too.
First let me say that I grieve for you regarding your childhood abuse. My dBPDxSO suffered through some of that as well - and what I was told was really sobering. We're good friends now (after not speaking for 2 - 3 years following our break-up) - though we didn't work as a couple, we are supportive of one another through a lot of emotional issues.
I was physically and emotionally abused by my "the bitch who adopted me" - a dNPD - so we have that in common.
Like Mia, I don't understand how anyone could hurt, humiliate, and scar their own child.
The person I was in my most recent (undefined) relationshit with (a dASPD) told me that amongst friends & acquaintances, sexual abuse by parents & relatives was "the norm". As much as I find that a disturbing prospect, I have to acknowledge sexual abuse happens more than I'd like to think.
That's as close as I got to hearing an acknowledgment of SO's own abuse.
You've got my respect for acknowledging this painful reality to us here.
I look forward to what you'll bring to the forum.
Take care!
Truman
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Post by findinghelp on Sept 9, 2013 21:44:43 GMT
Thanks, guys. Still working through issues. Vaccilating between not being bothered and being HORRIFIED as I accept the truth that, yes, that little girl was ME. (I spent most of my life pretending it was someone else.) Back in therapy and back to trying to work through it all.
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Post by Truman on Sept 10, 2013 4:44:42 GMT
I've heard that the "pretending that wasn't me" thing is what's at the root of many of our adult problems.
I did a version of that, too, where I thought I could just "imagine" my way into normalcy.
Shari Schrieber said, "Healing isn't about 'processing' your feelings. It's about honoring them."
I only partially agree with that statement.
What I believe is this: When we were kids we didn't have the psychological wherewithal to effectively cope with the overwhelming emotions of what we experienced.
Our survival mechanism was to shut down and move forward, and deal with the things we actually could cope with.
And logically we focused on things to improve our childhood reality.
Fast forward to adulthood. We've got all this emotional baggage that we've "stuffed away" - and present reality coming at us non-stop.
If what we learned as kids was to pretend the ickey crap didn't happen, how can that possibly not impact our adult lives, including the way we deal with our present reality?
I've heard it said that whether you start with the past and get to the present, or start with the present and get to the past, at some point you do have to actually allow yourself to fully experience the pain, anger, grief, shame, and outrage of those "stuffed" events from the past.
That means really going back in your mind's eye and returning to that little girl who was violated. Scream as you couldn't back then. Fight as you couldn't back then. Cry as you needed to back then. Give a voice to that girl who was silent and who was entitled to the rights she was denied.
That's the processing part, and I do think that is part of healing - as well as part of honoring.
Because I know that little girl is still someone you love and hold dear, and you need to validate all her experiences and everything she was entitled to feel.
Then I think you and she will become "united" - mentally and emotionally - and have a singular purpose.
Then you can move forward by recognizing and honoring your feelings as you currently experience them.
Because then you'll know that you are entitled to your emotions - entitled to have them, entitled to feel them, entitled to express them, and entitled to make decisions based on them.
Stay Strong FindingHelp!
Truman
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Post by findinghelp on Sept 10, 2013 16:26:34 GMT
Thanks, Truman. I needed that. |
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Post by CGisNuts on Sept 10, 2013 20:36:15 GMT
Sorry to hear that this is all coming back again. While I have not had the experiences that you have had, my mother is some type of PD and it's always a nightmare to be around her.
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Post by Truman on Sept 11, 2013 6:20:09 GMT
Aw, you're welcome!
((((((FindingHelp))))))
Truman
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