Post by Elementum on Jan 7, 2014 6:11:43 GMT
For some reason or other or mental break with reality, seems like when I look at the various boards, the damage that many of the partners is way worse than mine. I think so...I could be wrong though.
ExH was fantastic and utterly horrible to the nth degree, but one of the abuses that he never crossed was in the sexual arena. That was a death sentence and he knew I meant it. Rejection is a different kettle of fish though. But by that point, with the years of BS, wasn't all that concerned either.
Why did I stay? He was all that, and abusive. And there was remorse early on and he tried. He cried, he'd throw up afterwards, he was really out of control. And I did leave. Several times, moved out. But hoovered back. Why?
1. Don't give up easy
2. I wanted to believe that "this time" it would be different. Not
3. Overseas and lonely.
4. Isolated. Having friends was really difficult and he hated that I plan anything with other people in a group. Never understood that, but now I know. So "smart" I am after the fact.
I cracked alright, but in a different way. Not devastated by his BS , after 5 years knowing what I was dealing with, made it easier as well. But still, wasn't fun. Reading the old posts at BPDF, and now? Not a huge change, but the emotions are not on the surface. Which is interesting to note. They are present but not front and center with the irritation and disgust for the behaviors. I wasn't co dep to start, but had taken on a bunch of traits which really drove me bonkers as it was the Peace keeping dance, which was a failure anyways. Dropping that lousy dance was easy, but then the chaos increased, which thank god for the reality checks, made it REAL FREAKING EASY to hop on the boundaries, which were bloody well NORMAL from the get go.
The sad part, it was a repeat of the FOO dynamic, and I saw that. And I see my parent's marriage, and that is what I did not want at all. Mom is miserable, can't stand my dad. And wishes she had divorced in 1990. She had my support, I remember that time well. But she did not. Fear. 2 kids and so she stayed. I did not have kids and in part was due to the BS and also, didn't really want children either. I feel, to be a parent, you really need to want to have children, an accident is not the way to go about it. I was an "accident" , but I think I was more the trap. Bad mistake on mom's side, but oh well.
ExH kept bugging me about having a baby. No. He already had 2, which he needed to take care of, and he did his best to keep in touch. Great kids and an excellent exwife he has. My MIL had begged me NOT to have more kids with him. So...that was easy.
Had a couple exBF's that were nice people and the r/s didn't work out for variety of reasons, but was not the abuse or PD crap involved at all. Good baseline. So the crap from exH was really out of this world for whack BS, and I like an idiot still tried to make it work, why? His insecurities were not mine, but he was insecure, so I did what I could to help him feel more secure, which was controlling. My every damn move. First I thought it was sweet, but later? No. It was not, it was brutal.
So, where is my gray matter at? Here and now and tomorrow. * meh* Time to pull my head out of my ass and get it into gear. Summer will be travel plans and work and biz and friends and half marathon would be good for a personal best.
It's Ok. Weird, but OK. Real.So many years with the same person, it's an odd feeling. Could not make him see. His loss.
Losing oneself. Read that a lot. No, I did not identify myself by him nor my role as his wife. Who am I? I am me. From day one of memory to present and my dreams. I am not my work. I am not my marriage. I am not my things. I am a grotty human having fun to the best of my ability trundling through existence. It's not bad at all. Some days, better than others.
The "Gift of the Borderline" well, that was me before I met him. Now? I am far more snarky. lol , oh and probably a tad more comfy on the psychopath trails, it's quite interesting.
ExH was fantastic and utterly horrible to the nth degree, but one of the abuses that he never crossed was in the sexual arena. That was a death sentence and he knew I meant it. Rejection is a different kettle of fish though. But by that point, with the years of BS, wasn't all that concerned either.
Why did I stay? He was all that, and abusive. And there was remorse early on and he tried. He cried, he'd throw up afterwards, he was really out of control. And I did leave. Several times, moved out. But hoovered back. Why?
1. Don't give up easy
2. I wanted to believe that "this time" it would be different. Not
3. Overseas and lonely.
4. Isolated. Having friends was really difficult and he hated that I plan anything with other people in a group. Never understood that, but now I know. So "smart" I am after the fact.
I cracked alright, but in a different way. Not devastated by his BS , after 5 years knowing what I was dealing with, made it easier as well. But still, wasn't fun. Reading the old posts at BPDF, and now? Not a huge change, but the emotions are not on the surface. Which is interesting to note. They are present but not front and center with the irritation and disgust for the behaviors. I wasn't co dep to start, but had taken on a bunch of traits which really drove me bonkers as it was the Peace keeping dance, which was a failure anyways. Dropping that lousy dance was easy, but then the chaos increased, which thank god for the reality checks, made it REAL FREAKING EASY to hop on the boundaries, which were bloody well NORMAL from the get go.
The sad part, it was a repeat of the FOO dynamic, and I saw that. And I see my parent's marriage, and that is what I did not want at all. Mom is miserable, can't stand my dad. And wishes she had divorced in 1990. She had my support, I remember that time well. But she did not. Fear. 2 kids and so she stayed. I did not have kids and in part was due to the BS and also, didn't really want children either. I feel, to be a parent, you really need to want to have children, an accident is not the way to go about it. I was an "accident" , but I think I was more the trap. Bad mistake on mom's side, but oh well.
ExH kept bugging me about having a baby. No. He already had 2, which he needed to take care of, and he did his best to keep in touch. Great kids and an excellent exwife he has. My MIL had begged me NOT to have more kids with him. So...that was easy.
Had a couple exBF's that were nice people and the r/s didn't work out for variety of reasons, but was not the abuse or PD crap involved at all. Good baseline. So the crap from exH was really out of this world for whack BS, and I like an idiot still tried to make it work, why? His insecurities were not mine, but he was insecure, so I did what I could to help him feel more secure, which was controlling. My every damn move. First I thought it was sweet, but later? No. It was not, it was brutal.
So, where is my gray matter at? Here and now and tomorrow. * meh* Time to pull my head out of my ass and get it into gear. Summer will be travel plans and work and biz and friends and half marathon would be good for a personal best.
It's Ok. Weird, but OK. Real.So many years with the same person, it's an odd feeling. Could not make him see. His loss.
Losing oneself. Read that a lot. No, I did not identify myself by him nor my role as his wife. Who am I? I am me. From day one of memory to present and my dreams. I am not my work. I am not my marriage. I am not my things. I am a grotty human having fun to the best of my ability trundling through existence. It's not bad at all. Some days, better than others.
The "Gift of the Borderline" well, that was me before I met him. Now? I am far more snarky. lol , oh and probably a tad more comfy on the psychopath trails, it's quite interesting.
