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Post by CGisNuts on Dec 27, 2013 17:14:29 GMT
I have noticed people that hurt you often use forgiveness as their free pass for bad behavior. Doing what they want and then pulling out the forgiveness card, to excuse their behavior again and again.
Since they know forgiveness can pull at your heartstrings, they'll act bad, then when it comes time for them to "own up", they'll say "Please forgive me, it's what you should do because your a good person and I'm sorry"
They know you'll probably cave and forgive them, giving them permission to act bad again sometime down the road.
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Dec 27, 2013 19:19:36 GMT
The trick about forgiveness is that it is not a free license to re-offend. Some people think that if someone forgives them that they have free reign to show their asses again and again but, a truly repentant person doesn't want to repeat the behavior that caused pain to someone they love.
Another mistake people make about forgiveness is that they use it as a boundary when it was never meant to be used that way. When you forgive someone it is acknowledging that whatever they did hurt you but that you have let it go. Too often the person who offended repeats the offense and the person who has been hurt forgives them again and then expects the offender not to do it again. They've already done it once and sought your forgiveness and then they repeat the offense and are seeking your forgiveness a second time, you are foolish to trust them. Ever heard the old adage "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me."? Someone who repeatedly hurts you and then asks forgiveness is not truly repentant they are simply using your good nature against you and treating you like a fool.
It is often best to exclude that person from your life. It's always a good practice to forgive but you do not have to allow that person close to you. The two greatest pieces of advice I was ever given is 1. Loyalty only goes so far. 2. You don't have to love someone just because. Those two pieces of advice were given to me by my mother and the meaning of them is that just because you care for someone and you are loyal to them does not mean you sacrifice yourself and your good sense for them. And, just because you are related to someone or have a long relationship with them does not mean you always have to love them and have them in your life. Some people are just toxic and don't deserve to share our lives with us.
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Post by CGisNuts on Dec 27, 2013 20:44:05 GMT
no, normal people don't want to offend again.
The types of people I meant were those who count on being forgiven based on family, loyalty, old friends, mothers/fathers.
The people who know you'll forgive them and count on it.
Your mother gave you great advice.
Forgiveness is such a word that's abused and used wrong. Especially the part about how someone forgives someone else but will use what they have forgiven as something held over their head. That is not forgiveness. That's saying that to make themselves feel like they are the better person.
But there are those who bank on being forgiven to reenact bad behavior again and again, using the default of "forgive me otherwise you are not a good person" as if saying that unless you forgive them, you are the one at fault. They know how to work that so we feel that. Boundaries probably help with that and saying NO, I don't.
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Dec 28, 2013 5:50:43 GMT
For me, forgiveness is equal amongst everyone. I do not show favor to someone in regard to forgiveness just because I know them or am related to them. I surmise that if someone truly cares for me, despite the type of r/s we have, then they will first not want to hurt me but when it happens, as it inevitably will, I forgive them the same as I would anyone else.
I try to be as objective as humanly possible. Even my own sister, whom I love as though she were my child, knows that there are just some lines she cannot cross with me because forgiveness will not be swift. I respect her the same way, as I do everyone.
See, there are those two rules coming into play. My loyalty and love are given freely but they can also be taken back just as freely if the person receiving them is no longer using them responsibly.
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Post by Elementum on Dec 29, 2013 9:11:12 GMT
A word that lost its meaning with my exH for me.
Forgiveness to him was carte blanche to continue the same thing over and over and over again.
" You Forgave me!" ...yes, the first time, maybe the second, but after that it became a matter of resentment on my part.
I will look at the Intent. Was it deliberate or Not? If deliberate, then my feelings on the matter are quite different. If it's by accident, let it go. Not worth to get worked up over.
PD? I don't care to stick around for it...
People will do whatever they want, friends, families, BF/ GF, you can stick around for it or not. Allow it to affect you or not.
Also depends what is burning in the back ground of their mind as well. Each person is different. Friends have good and bad days, do you damn them for one error and grind them into the dirt over it? If you do, looks really PD to me. Ask...then you know.
Depends what it is. I don't get worked up, unless it's pretty major. Found my soft spots and those are all nicely armored over now. lol
If you get PA responses *_________* , then you know something is wrong with the mental gears. No resolution is ever possible in that scenario. Nor the raging responses for that matter. I go deaf anyways.
ER
1. True. Push too far and it's not going to be good. ExH is proof positive of that.
2.
True, and which also makes the other an arse and more than likely has no friends in real life.
WRT my ex? I can't even get angry or pissed off when I think about the bull crap anymore. Pointless, why give him that power over me in the here and now? I did what I could at the time to make it work and it failed. It was failure from the start and I needed to be the one to accept that. I didn't want to. All the crap that rained down afterwards is on my head as far as I am concerned. It was my Choice to try and make it work. Who to blame for that one? Me.
Forgive myself and my own blind stupidity and belief in Love can cure. *pfft* It works for animals, but not humans.
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