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Post by CGisNuts on Dec 23, 2013 20:17:06 GMT
This year is a tough year with the divorce and all.
I think my mom is sick and some kind of PD. She has control issues and ignores anyones requests in order to do what she wants.
Sunday I had a small birthday party for my daughter at my house with my housemates, mutual friend and my mom. Of course my mom was up to her usual crap.
First thing she does was go into my daughters room to rearrange it against our wishes. It was hello and then she starts doing what she wants. This is after 4 requests not to do so. She as usual responded with anger and continual actions.
Of course she has to aggravate everyone around purposely, and seems to enjoy creating chaos.
She says stuff to anger people and makes comments.
Our mutual friend had enough and politely put her in her place after she was treating him like a child and made rude comments.
Then goes into the other room and talks about them and says nasty shit. She counts others money and makes rude comments quietly but loud enough that they may hear.
These are people I live with and I have to clean up her mess.
This has been her game for the last 15 years. She is out of line and it's not okay.
She will then play victim and poor me.
Every time I see her I get really down the next day and I can't live like this anymore. For whatever reason I get really down. Every visit is the same thing.
She purposely does things against my wishes and I have to ask her to stop doing things 4-6 times and she becomes angry and nasty and does not stop doing what I ask her not to. Then she starts telling me how I'm doing A,B,C and it's all my fault.
Then she complains non stop and makes nasty comments and becomes even more nasty.
She says awful things about everyone and then becomes emotional and "why me" and how everyone is purposely hurting her and how everyone is at fault for her conditions and then commiserates about how bad my life is and she only wants to help, then points out everything that is wrong with my life (what she thinks) and how miserable I must be.
She is sick but intelligent enough to know what she is doing. She purposely hurts people and I'm tired of it. After Xmas call, I'm am going no contact.
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Dec 24, 2013 1:47:35 GMT
Wow CG, my m-i-l is just like that. The way I handle my her is to just ignore her, I know it's not so easy with a blood relative but sometimes you just have to give them the cold shoulder to protect your own sanity. Your mom isn't going to fall over dead if you kick her out of your life although she may behave like she will. One thing about PD's, they are survivors.
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Post by CGisNuts on Dec 24, 2013 2:33:02 GMT
My mom went her usual aggressive self, she has no mute button and causes problems.
It's done because she is unhappy and wants to be the center of attention.
People handled a situation well. A situation that could have gotten out of control and although unlikely, could have cost me a place to live.
She believes she is judge and jury and enjoys making people upset.
Why?
She is an asshole.
Selfish person who plays victim so easy.
Going no contact.
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Post by CGisNuts on Dec 24, 2013 3:10:12 GMT
The problem now is what do I do about no contact, little contact, no visits or no contact whatsoever
Today I was so down and depressed, I did nothing. I can't afford that. I always get like this after a visit and sometimes after a call.
For me, not healthy.
However, I cannot and will not do that to my daughter and prevent visits and contact. But, my daughter never really wants to visit or call. She loves my mom but doesn't ask to call or visit.
Why? Because of how my mom is with her. She will sometimes try to annoy my daughter, and do the same things as she does to me.
Instead of wanting to play with her granddaughter, she wants to rearrange her room and take my daughter out of her comfort zones.
So, what do I do? I love my mom and she has done so much. And yes, she is sick. But should I suffer because she chooses her actions? Should I get depressed all day the following day because it's my mother?
Is her actions and sickness my responsibility, NO.
But I feel so bad.
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Dec 24, 2013 3:18:48 GMT
For your daughter, let her decide if and when she wants to see or talk to Grandma but don't force the issue. Is there really any benefit to your daughter being exposed to a toxic person? You worry about her well being around your stbx, why not your mother?
For you, limit your contact with mom to only those times that your daughter wants to be in contact with her. You have no real reason to interact with your mother especially since she is such a drain on you emotionally and obviously does not care how you feel. I'm betting that she feels entitled to do the things she does because "she has done so much". It's time to examine the F.O.G. that you are in.
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Post by CGisNuts on Dec 24, 2013 3:56:03 GMT
ER
Thanks, great advice.
Yeah, I shouldn't have to spend the following days doing nothing because of her actions. That's just so unhealthy and unnecessary.
I noticed a few things yesterday. She told my daughter "because daddy didn't tell me what you wanted until the last minute, I got you something you won't like because of daddy"
She also does strange things on purpose. "Mom, I'm asking you nice please don't rearrange my things" 4x, and her not abiding by my wishes. My housemate also asked her not to do something a few times and she just continued.
It's selfish and not respecting people;s wishes in order to do what she pleases.
She has the habit of getting people frustrated because they tell her no 4-10x, each time my mom continuing her actions until people lose their cool.
She also, against my wishes, not once, but 6x, told my daughter she should sleep over tonight, so that I would have to tell my daughter no. The court order says sunday night and she has been told that several times.
I'd love my daughter to sleep over and when I have to say no, it's painful. I also had to finish Xmas shopping and work is due so I couldn't have her sleep over.
It's like my mom wants it to come down to that.
So now that Xmas is a day away, my mom is now using her sisters death to gain sympathy and have us come down.
She asked me 5x to drive down at 4pm, and hours and a half away on Xmas day so my daughter and I to spend Xmas day and sleep over.
My daughter won't want to do that and I explained that Xmas is for my daughter, not for her.
My selfish mom doesn't give a shit. She wants me to drag my daughter there on Xmas. She is calling my sister using the death card and crying so I can make my daughter unhappy for her happiness.
So, in the middle of a divorce, in a tough time for my daughter and I, but daughter more so because she is a child, my mom wants me to sacrifice my kids happiness for hers, and is pulling the sympathy card.
Un fucking real.
It has to end and it is. I'm not going to be depressed for days in order to make her happy.
Her actions are her actions. She is choosing to destroy anything she can to get her rocks off. Knowingly causing people misery for her enjoyment. Sick or not, she is the cause of this.
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Post by CGisNuts on Dec 24, 2013 4:20:40 GMT
And I say PD because there's never been an apology for any of her outrageous actions. In fact she often expects an apology from me.
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Dec 26, 2013 10:26:15 GMT
Well CG, it sounds to me that it's time to put mom in her place and set impenetrable boundaries. I hate when someone talks about me while I'm in the same room ESPECIALLY when they are speaking in a way to elicit a guilty response from me. It's a ploy to get you to cave in and God forbid if you say anything to them about it because that is like the holy grail response. At that point they have carte blanche to behave any way they want and run you into the ground verbally because, let's face it, they were only speaking the truth and your response was just out of line. Yeesh! What blood suckers! I'm sorry you have to deal with that. [[[CG]]]
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Post by CGisNuts on Dec 26, 2013 18:21:01 GMT
She has never apologized for anything. Her behavior is abominable and getting worse.
She calls anywhere from 4-6x a day on a bad day and usually 2-3x on a daily basis.
I asked her not o call so much and the calls come at bad times, break my concentration and there is no need to call that much.
There is no reason I need to speak to her more than a few times per week.
She plays games and I am tired of them.
I told her 5x I am not coming down today.
She then pretends I said I'm coming and calls and leaves messages to call her to let her know what time so she can make her plans for the day, even though I have told her 4x I am not coming.
So then she wants to put the responsibility of her day on me. Then she can say since I didn't call her back, I ruined her day.
It's obscene and annoying. I don't answer her calls and delete the messages as soon as I get them.
Growing up I saw allot of things but I always let them go. Partly because she is my mom and partly because she is sick. But now that I am dealing with so much crap, she adds to it and causes allot of turmoil. I lost the following day because of her and I can't live like that. I can't lose days because of her shit.
I am sorry that she lost a sister, and her life isn't that great, but it's not my responsibility to live my life for her. I have a child to provide for and losing days only hurts her future. My mom's actions are voluntary and done to cause problems. When I ask her not to do something and she does it anyway, that's done on purpose by her.
I'm not doing it anymore. New year, no contact.
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Dec 27, 2013 10:14:03 GMT
Create those boundaries and hold fast to them. No matter what she tries don't let her through them. She's going to try every trick in the book and probably make up a few too but just stick to your convictions and eventually she will wear herself out and leave you alone.
The best response I can give my husband, when he is testing my boundaries, is to ignore him. He rants, he raves, he threatens, he curses, he yells and throws temper tantrums then he calms down and starts with the other extreme of being overtly nice, and affectionate and joking around and playful.
As I continue to ignore all of it he finally gets the hint that I'm not playing his stupid, childish games and he stops. Of course living with him means he is going to act up eventually again but at least I can control how I respond to him. The same goes for your mother, you can control how you respond to her even if that means you don't respond at all. It's still a choice and it's your choice. I wish you luck and blessings.
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Post by CGisNuts on Dec 27, 2013 17:03:16 GMT
So true. 2 calls already this a.m., with more imagining I said I'm coming down, and important questions she needs answers to.
I have asked her not to call so much, especially during working hours unless it's an emergency.
Unless I use ultimatums which I don't like, she will not respect boundaries, so I have to stop contact altogether.
But my health is so important to me and she is causing so much mental pain. Unless I stop contact she will continue to do what she wants.
That's the thing of it, she wants to do what she wants no matter what I or people ask or how much it bothers them. Then she uses guilt to gain forgiveness or "it's okay".
So yeah, I'm going no contact. If I have to write a letter to explain I will but most likely I'm just wasting my time. So no calls, nothing.
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