I woke up thinkin about him and it hurts

Oh geeze honey. I am sorry I missed this post. I was having such trouble with my computer I was limited to long.
Now you listen here. You are going through a healing process. There is nothing wrong with you if you have a bad day or even week or two here and there. As times moves forward you will have less and less of them and more and more good days.
just because you are hurting and having a rough time does NOT mean you should not still encourage others! It not only helps them it help you. You are not the only one that has bad days. You are not the only one that "circles back" and has self doubt wondering if something isn't seriously wrong with you. We ALL do. It is all part of "undoing" the damage from all the abuse for so long. It didn't happen overnight and it won't all heal overnight.

I wish I could tell you exactly when you will no longer get hit with feeling so bad about yourself and wondering if something is "wrong" with you. They suck so much out of us that it is impossible to put a time limit on exactly when we will heal so many voids. I still have some of these periods of time too. So many parts of me that were shut down for so long I am questioning if I am even capable of "restarting" them.

I do not have a total "No contact" type of relationship with my husband.We have shared people in our lives that I am not willing to give up completely or at least not yet. I am careful to keep my distance in certain respects of course. We also have legal things that have to be settles and neither one of us has the money to do that either at this point.
The complete indifference may never come.That is not necessarily a bad thing. It will keep you motivated to keep working on yourself and your own healing.You never want to go there again. TOTAL indifference could well land you in another relationship like the one you just left.I also believe that God will put the same kind of people in our lives over and over again until we "master" ourselves around that type of person. They are put there to force us to make choices and either grow or be destroyed.
It IS good to be around people that love and respect you. it is healing. FORCE yourself to socialize if you have to. That is an area that should likely be a priority to us if I really take the time to think about it. (Like now) After all those years of them isolating us (by one means or the other)we have become TO used to being alone. We do need to "fake it until we make it" in that area as well. It is key to our rebuilding of ourselves.

Indeed, history repeats itself. I remember when I was first contemplating getting involved with my husband I was very deliberate in that decision. I did NOT want a repeat of what I went through and had escaped by the skin of my teeth before him. He was SO different I decided well I will try this ONE more time and if this doesn't work out I am done. The bottom line though is always the degree of selfishness that each one had that was the core problem of all the crap I got out of them.

In retrospect I also see MY personal growth in direct relation to their horrible behaviors though and still do not see it as a "total loss". When my husband "began to turn" as I call it. I even remember thinking HOW IN THE HELL did I wind up here AGAIN?" I was so deliberate in choosing someone so different and it still turned into an abusive situation! I remember digging deep trying to understand and figure out "How did I turn him into this monster?" "What did I do to make this happen?"

Even as young as I was I was well aware of certain truths in life.One being "every person is responsible for their own happiness. No one else can MAKE you happy" "No one else can make you whole" It all must come from within. I also quickly grasped that you cannot change anyone but yourself so don't waste time and energy trying to change them. Spend it on yourself. I also recognized quickly that no matter how bad it hurts, accepting and acknowledging the truth is the only way to move forward.

I am sure that all came from God and my studying and prayer time too. I was to the point that I knew I could never trust humans, the only one that I could trust was God and so I kept looking to Him for all the answers.

Dealing with a PD is a lot more complicated but the bottom line really is Other people are going to treat us the way that we ALLOW them to treat us. There are far more selfish people in the world than unselfish even if they aren't to the degree of disordered.That is our starting point. WHAT are we going to ALLOW them to say and do to us?

Indeed it is about self respect and dignity. It is something that we must learn (and me teach again to my children) no matter WHO you are dealing with.

I live with my daughter. She just bought this house. We are both so proud of her and all she has accomplished already in her life. She is only 26 right now. She is also now separated from her husband and will be divorcing as soon as the money is together to do it.

Just today she came to me at my work very distressed over some issues with a young woman that is staying with us right now. Because it is her house I was leaving it up to her to decide what is and isn't going to be acceptable behaviors from this person and her children. (outside of direct conflict with me personally of course)

My daughter was explaining to me what had happened the previous night to upset her and what exactly she said and did concerning it.It really broke my heart that she had said what she did to this person. It was nowhere NEAR enough and what she did say was only putting her in a worse position. It occurred to me that I am going to have to intervene in a far more assertive manner to resolve these issues and teach my daughter how better to defend her boundaries and stand up for herself. I was actually very angry at what had transpired.
To be quite honest there is certainly something seriously not right going on with this person that will likely need addressed by a Dr but in the meantime strict boundaries and rules will need to be put in place and if I have to be the one to enforce them well then so be it. (I live here too.)
My daughter is far to kind hearted and gets kicked around and taken advantage of on far to regular a basis.If she doesn't learn with a non marital partner she will NEVER be able to enforce boundaries with another "marital" partner. I think this is another one of God's tests to help us learn how to deal with "untamed" people before she gets involved with another man.
If she can master herself with this one she will never be abused on any level by a man either. (Her husband was never physically abusive just very self absorbed and to assuming)

Quite frankly I am even shocked at the things and lack thereof a thirty year old mother of four is doing and not doing.Hmm to the point I was in that "wait what just happened here" mode again! "Oh no she did not just do that?!" kind of things.
Imagine this for example. She turns the Ari conditioner on in her room, leaves the door open to the bathroom with both windows hanging wide open, the balcony door flapping in the wind from the night before and the door to the hall hanging wide open. Oblivious that there is something wrong with this picture! (a What the hell? moment)
Leaves every single light in the house on, the computer on, perishable food out on the table to spoil and make my cats sick if they eat it and just goes to bed?!
She seems oblivious to her own three year old child running wild terrorizing the house, every light on,computer on,TV blaring, fridge just hanging wide open, food left on the kitchen table, dirty dishes in the sink, one of my cats locked out on a porch with no food, no water or litter pan.Another one in the midst of being terrorized by this kid. She opened the cabinet doors and was climbing up the shelves to try to yank my poor cat down from on top of the microwave where I am sure she ran to escape. My daughter walked in from a long day at work at 9 pm at night, sick and exhausted just wanting to go straight to bed just in time to save this kid from not only hurting or killing herself pulling the microwave down on herself but possibly hurting or killing my beloved T fuzzy in the process. WHERE was her mother? Up in the bathroom dying her hair ignoring all this ruckus going on!

Now if this had been ME that walked into this it would have likely gotten a bit ugly around here.My daughter? UGH She said she went up to the mom and said" "DO you mind if I bring "child" up to you? I am very tired and need to get to sleep" ALL the while she is furious! I was clearly upset myself and so asked my daughter WHY in the world did you ASK her if it was okay if she actually be a responsible mother WATCH her own child and control her? My daughter? Well I wasn't sure exactly how to say what I wanted to say I am not sure exactly what house rules I could have applied and I didn't want her to think I was calling her a bad mother. Hmm well a spade is a spade you know and GOD HELP HER if her irresponsible behavior winds up causing harm to one of MY pets or a 3 year old child in the home I live in.