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Post by Elementum on Dec 11, 2013 0:55:51 GMT
 For all the garbage and crap that marriage to stbx was, there were also many great times. That is the pain / agony and joy of the marriage to him. I can't hate him, I feel sorry for him and his pain. He knew what he did was wrong and out of control. His rage and abuse, the root of it was his insecurities. There was an innocence in that senseless violence. The rage of a spoiled child. My side of the equation was not the perfect princess either. My reactions to his insults, put downs and violence were not the best by any stretch. After the first year, I figured if he could dish it out, he might like to try wearing it as well. Which was only fuel on the fire. Didn't work all that well, however from my end, it felt better for me to fire back then to simply wear the garbage. Lose/ Lose. What it did though was spare my sanity and sense of self. He was/ is an adult. More often than not, a rationale human being that has no problem dealing with others. Charming in fact. No one would ever believe what happened behind closed doors, but the few who knew him over a longer period of time, they saw the mask slip. It could get pretty bad. Withdrawing emotionally behind my walls, he ramped up attempts to get at me. Both physically and verbally. Which was easily solved by simply not being there. If I can't be seen or heard, neither can I be a trigger to him. If I can't hear nor see him and the abuse, same solution. Lovely solution. But what is that for a relationship? Not much. In summation, he was the best and the worst. Brilliant man and driven. Many qualities that I could respect and did. Learned a great deal from him and as a result of him. Picked up some rough traits along the way as well, not all bad nor good, but traits that may be useful going forward. A finely tuned BS meter and boundaries like nobodies business. Emotionally feeling completely drained. Sad. Just so damn sad. Sorrow and loss. They are weepy emotions, the under tow after the wave crashes over me. Have to watch myself at work or the tears start running. What do you do when you see a massive wave coming at you? Dive into it. Can avoid being thrown onto the rocks at the shore and swim further out from the breaking point. Depression is giving me brain fog of the worst order, and still have to move my ass. Life isn't "fair", it's what we make of it that matters. All the "Tools" in the world aren't worth a shit when married to a BPD/ NPD or what have you. It only delays the inevitable. In short, if anyone is in a r/s with a PD? Save YourSelf before you get sucked into the Matrix of utter BS. It's an experience for sure, but not one worth repeating and one better to simply read about. Take the Red Pill and don't look back. Painful, but screw the Blue Pill crew to hell. * pardon me* I really have zero tolerance for the Blue Pill bs. |
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Post by Elementum on Dec 11, 2013 20:15:01 GMT
Sad, went for dinner at my best friend's house. She and her hubby knew me before I met Stbx, when he was my BF, then husband and now divorcing. They had invited the 2 of us for dinner over the weekend. His response. NO. No respect for people. He really didn't see what it was he was doing nor how it would affect them. We have been family. She and her family are my family here. Just so sad to see such disregard for others. Unfortunately that is more or less how the PD manifests itself. We are of "use" for a period of time. And when not, or we see through the crap and finally end the relationship, everything else seems to go down the tubes as well. He did not need to paint them black. Sick way of being. Mind you, it's also his pattern if I look back over the past of what he told me and what I saw. Were it not for his children in Europe, he would not be going there either.
Such a massive waste of love, time and energy. All he had to do was go to damn therapy. Fix himself. I would have supported him no questions ask, but do the work. I'd have gone again as well, no problem at all. But, nothing. Complete bloody denial. Still rattles me at the core that I can care about him. What he did to me was utter BS, but also what he did For me was amazing. Two sides of the same coin. Hate the damn disorder. Cry for the good side of him. That is the ghost that haunts me.
Part of the sorrow is that the sliding scale of the love/ hate dynamic and boundary enforcing and all the other bits actually did make the r/s 'calmer" but intimacy and trust had been destroyed long before. That was not possible to ever repair as he could not understand the problem or its effect. Just no clue there. Mind you, it was really over the first time he hit me. But he had curled up in a foetal position crying because he was so sorry he couldn't believe he had done it. I was too in shock at the time and no place to go. And I had no idea about PD's or abusive r/s. Live and learn. It is what it was.
"It is what it is." True statement. However, bothered the crap out of me as just because, " It is what it is." Doesn't mean I have to put up with it either. Some times: " It is what it is = bullshit. "
Breathe in, breathe out, tomorrow is a busy day.
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Post by CGisNuts on Dec 16, 2013 19:05:01 GMT
I like to think what I've gained, although miniscule compared to what I have lost.
Lost is the key word. Gone.
Yeah the tools don't mean jack shit because the everyday life and issues are fucking insane.
Just surviving a PD relationship somewhat in tact is a miracle. They destroy sanity and life.
Depression, addiction, suicide, lost sanity, all by products of being with a PD.
So when your out, you can't fathom how you stayed.
Consider yourself lucky you got out. It's prob easier as a man to get out. For a woman, some of which are 100% financially dependent on a PD, that doesn't always happen.
A PD wants you to be dependent on them so they can control.
Often, a woman will have to accept sleeping on the street or a shelter for awhile.
But it's worth it.
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Post by Elementum on Dec 17, 2013 2:33:37 GMT
PD's blow minor problems into massive shit fests for nothing. They are only happy when everyone is running around cleaning up their messes and babying them. That's what it seems like. Other times, they are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves. For guys they have a different set of mental traps to work through. Financially , generally easier. With my ex, it was two fold. Financial as well as residency. Tied together which screwed me brutally. But, I still managed a way out. A little creativity and short term pain for long term gain. If the last years were a chess game, that was my King piece and he kept going after it. But I kept my king and check. Not check mate. He could have found another way and forced me off the board, but was too much effort for him.
"You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else." - Albert Einstein It is what is Was. Life is not a game. People are not pieces on a board. Fatal error to think so.  |
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Post by CGisNuts on Dec 17, 2013 16:43:29 GMT
PD's blow minor problems into massive shit fests for nothing. They are only happy when everyone is running around cleaning up their messes and babying them.
That's spot on.
Everyday is something and if not they make it something.
How I don't miss having a 3 day row because I didn't say bye on the phone nicely.
Because I didn't there of course was a hidden agenda.
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Post by Elementum on Dec 17, 2013 16:52:02 GMT
Did she also biatch about you not saying "I love you" 49 billion times a day? And on the phone, if you didn't it was because you were screwing someone?
Endless crap...
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Post by CGisNuts on Dec 17, 2013 17:43:28 GMT
Yes she did.
Actually during a meeting with a potential client I didn't say that and it turned into a 6 month long problem.
And also how you say things, in the tone.
They have insane reasoning for everything. Enough so u want to kill yourself because the reasoning is insane.
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Post by CGisNuts on Dec 17, 2013 21:26:37 GMT
well as a guy, you have to deal with the PD using the old school man has to take care of his woman.
While that's still true in allot of ways, PD's don't factor in the circumstances, and see that as black and white.
If the PD woman makes more from a job, has excessive debt, has children prior, or whatever, she may still use that as a weapon.
She wants the rewards, but no effort. She may still spend money beyond a budget, and still use the "stay at home mom", as if she can still do what she likes and expect to stay home.
And she will keep using the guilt as a weapon even if the man can't afford to do that, making him feel like he owes it to her and feel inferior.
She believes she is entitled to stay at home no matter what.
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Post by Elementum on Dec 18, 2013 3:42:23 GMT
And she will keep using the guilt as a weapon even if the man can't afford to do that, making him feel like he owes it to her and feel inferior.She believes she is entitled to stay at home no matter what. A guy doesn't owe a lazy female a damn thing. And when they play the money card on a guy that is utter BS. In this day and age? Women can move their asses. Have actually seen that play out with a guy here. Horrible. She biatched about his money and spent it on total BS, he gave her everything. It was sick. Then she got preggers. And he was drinking to deal with the BS and she bitached about that too of course. But not the reason why. I saw the stuff she did to him, the sick notes and letters and was there to take the phone out of his hand when she was ripping him. She shut her hole fast. Kind of would like to strangle her myself. |
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Post by CGisNuts on Dec 18, 2013 15:15:51 GMT
and in some cases when the partner does nothing to help in their "entitled cause" and is in 15k of debt and continues wild spending, then guilting even more.
You trying to dig a hole and your partner is behind you shoveling back in the dirt behind your back.
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