What part of ....

Perhaps I am the "lucky one" despite the BS I found early enough and ejected previously and reduced damage, but was not aware what I was dealing with. Round 2 about a year later, T and learning about BPD, the light went on. Reality came back into clear sharp focus. The Blue Pill rabbit hole territory of the disordered thought processes and the insane out bursts made "sense" and could not rattle me the same way. Doesn't suggest that there is not damage though.

PD's don't love, they can't. They don't love themselves at all, rather self hate is at their center. I fell for the mirror, it was what I wanted for me and to give. But didn't exist in reality. Some did, of course, but the core aspects? Did not. Tried so hard to be "perfect" which is bogus, because 1) I am not and 2) doesn't exist in the first place. Don't remember how many times I'd asked him " When did you become the judge of perfection?" What makes you perfect? . It.was.nutz. "The Pope of Rome he is not." Mr. Morals and Ethics he is not and a bald faced liar to boot.

Still, after all the years of utter BS, with some sunshine thrown in for good measure to keep the plant from dying, he absolutely refuses to understand/ comprehend/ assimilate in any manner that the damage is terminal. Even he stated he doesn't love me anymore [ if he ever did is to be debated, because who treats a person they love the way he did] why not let go? Get rid of me. As he often threatened. I am every vile insult in the English vocabulary and then some. Why stay? Why try to hang on? Insane.

So, in the mean time, I ponder the whackness of the current reality and *pfft*. It is what it is. Acceptance does not equate tolerance for the current reality running into the future by any stretch.

I want him to go, I need him to go. Keep his word for once. And it's still going to hurt like a bitch. Not like it hasn't been really crap for a long time, but for godsakes, just finish it.

Still what also pisses me off, is having seen so many flags along the way, and saying to myself " Oh no, he wouldn't do that to me," Hah...right. Whatever. What a bloody love blinded fool I was. Wanted to believe the lies. *sweet* I was the perfect idiot.Supposedly shame is at the core of the disorder, but if they are feeling shame, then why the hell repeat the same shit. Would that not compel a person in the opposite direction? When I am  ashamed of my actions, the last thing I am going to do is add to the shit pile. Albeit if I am on an evidence collection foray, not so much. There is a purpose and a reason for it, unfortunately I don't ever seem to turn up empty handed. Wish that it were the case though.  Years back and once recently. It's not a habit of mine.

He can go, I have had enough. Dead tired. Just nothing left. *pfft* This horse is dead.

Your cats are adorable all cozied up like that. So cute!!!

Nope, they don't. Wash, rinse , repeat and pretty soon would rather blow my own brains out than deal with it any longer. ergh.
The more I learn about it, the less inclined I am to feel "sorry" as most are very much aware of their bs but just can't be bothered to own it and clean up. Just bizarre, like who the hell do they think they are kidding? The partner? Hell no. It's just bonkers, my tolerance is sooooo freaking low it's not funny.

Based on what a monumentally shitty wife, whore, slut and you name it from him, I wish he would go. Funny how that works. Since that is what he thinks of me, piss off then. Pretty obvious or not? Used to hurt years ago, now...just go. To be fair though, when I was caught in the FOG and still attached, I was not willing or ready to give up. Such is no longer the case. Bloody brutal lesson though and not one I will make an error of twice.

He seems to be under the impression that stalling is going to somehow change my mind. No. I won't. He is in for a rude awakening. It's been way past enough for the last 2 years.

And the  next moment...? You are the best thing....*whatever*

Total crap. Life is too short.