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Post by freetobeme63 on Nov 21, 2013 17:13:21 GMT
I was hopin and prayin I'd be soooooo much farther past the pain and anxiety by now. It sure as hell doesn't feel like it today. I am so exhausted from the obssessive thinkin thats been goin on for the past two days. Over and over the thoughts (good times/bad times)....Do they make a pill to cut this shit. I know I have PTSD symptons. I am on selexa now and start therapy Dec 13th. I feel crazy....wish I could sleep through this shit and wake up one day in a new place. I keep hearing it will be better one day but frankly I am beginning to think maybe not.
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Post by Elementum on Nov 22, 2013 0:54:03 GMT
Free  Was wondering where you were at! Sorry to read that you are ruminating this jerk. Chilly on your side of the planet and snuggle weather, so kind of grinds into a person. Any chance you could get away for 2 weeks? Do something out of the ordinary? Head to South America? Take your mind off the bs and recharge your batteries? Just to break with routine. Shock the system a little. Costa Rica retreats Did that when I left him 8 years ago. Was good for the brain. OH HELL YAH!!!!!!!!
« on: July 11, 2013, 10:11:08 PM »
I know I might be wrong at laughin at you right now, but to hell with it. You know that time you said I was ugly and then later started workin on makin me feel ugly and worthless in so many other ways. You know what I am talkin about. You know the time last year when you denied me intimacy for 7 months and fed me so many excuses why you couldn't perform (all boiled down to you claimin your stomach hurt everytime I was home, or we were arguin even though I did my best to keep the peace and so didn't even bring the matter up and lets not forget you also made the statement you just werent thinkin about sex at all but yet and still it was my fault). Everytime I tried to gently bring up the subject you said "Oh I guess you been thinkin again" and threatened to leave. I wish I had told you straight up to get the hell out and never come back. I wish I had told you that all the drama and crap you brought into my life was over just as I was over with you cause you didn't deserve me. I am a lovin, carin, goodhearted and good natured woman. I trusted you. You didn't deserve me. I don't care what anyone else thinks about this but I tell you now I did not deserve all that crap you said and did to me. I treated you with respect you so did not deserve. I gave you every once of my heart you so did not deserve. I opened myself up to you completely and you so did not deserve that kind of trust. It will never happend again.
I know you don't care but I do because I do feel good about this one damn thing. Goin through all the crap and listenin to all your lies and dealin with all your abuse is gonna benefit me more than you. I know how to treat people. I know how to love deeply and give with my all, but I have learned many things from this episode of your abuse in my life. One thing I will do much better is watch who I let into my life. Another is that OMG I will so recognize MR. Right when he presents himself to me and everything that I tried to give to you I will give to him even more fully and deeply even more to the bottom of my ever being. He will be the one who will benefit from what I have to offer and I will benefit also because I will obtain from him everything (absolutely everything) that you could not give (heart felt love, commitment, truth, compassion, respect and family experiences). I am almost there. Let me tell you. I can feel it.
I have been studyin, I have been learnin and takin in all I can. I have been livin my life in the good and bad moments and feelin the pain but I have also been feelin all the good and lovin every minute of it because God knows I will be the one comin out on the otherside stronger than ever livin in truth and bein FREETOBEME. You keep livin in your world of abuse, lies and manipulation. You will be but a distant memory before long but a very damn good lesson learned. I can't wait to see the day when I wake up lighthearted and feelin so free in every way. I feel it comin.
Oh by the way, I was sittin outside this evenin havin a lemondrop (lemonade mix with a shot & half of vodka) just mindin my own business. I was on the phone with my brother laughin it up about last weekend dancin (I can still go low to the ground and some of them folks my age couldnt make it that far). Anyway this awesome lookin driller man was starin at me and smilin. I left the immediate area and went and talked to my brother a little longer (you know cause I'm a little shy). This same cutie (35 -40 years) saw me headed to my room later and asked me if I was married. I told him ABSOLUTELY NO (I know I said it a little boldly but hell I am sick of the slightest thoughts of you and thankful we never made it to the pulpit even after 8 years in that hell) and he asked me if I wanted to go party tonight. UH I was caught off guard and just laughed and asked where they (he was with others who had been standin outside) was goin tonight. He said to HELL IF THEY DON'T START ACTIN RIGHT. I couldn't do nothin but laugh. No I wasn't goin partyin with that young buck (but I could have LOL). Damn that felt good though. WOOHOO I STILL GOT IT GOIN ON. LMAO. Hell yah that felt good. Sorry but wish you could have heard that and seen the soooooooooo hot hot hot kinda man that asked me to go party with him. Hell that guy was even blowin me kisses as I was walkin away. He gotta be from deep south to be boldly flirtin like that (No way he was from your neck of the woods). Anyway like I said that felt good. My EGO needed that little burst of excitement and ecourgagement!!!! But yah I STILL GOT IT GOIN ON!!!!!!!!Im gonna sleep extra pleasant tonight.
Also thought you should know this to. HELL NO I AM NOT PININ OVER YOU. I AM SOOOOOOOO MUCH STRONGER AND HELL YES I HAVE BEEN DOIN SOME THINKIN AGAIN. I AM SO MUCH CLOSER TO OVER YOU THAN EVEN I KNEW. I AM FREETOBEME AND I AM NO DAMN LOSER!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT YOU ARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I DONT LIKE YOUR PERSONALITY EITHER!!!!!!!!!!!!
« Last Edit: July 11, 2013, 10:36:18 PM by freetobeme63 »
The lady who wrote that^^ was feeling a great deal differently than you are now.
Have you checked out the PTSD worksheets? Getting into therapy? No PTSD pills unfortunately. Or heart ache pain pills, but we do know it will pass.
Write the crap down that he did. ALL of it. Look at that and ask yourself if you really were wanting to put up with that BS for the next 20 years of your life? It would get worse, not better. Another perspective for looking at the problem.
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Post by freetobeme63 on Nov 25, 2013 7:32:47 GMT
Holy Shit!!!!!! I like that lady alot better. Thanks for remindin me!!! Started listening to Sandra Brown (author Women who love psychopaths)on Blog Talk Radio. Bought some of her mp3 audios and some dvd's..... congnitive disonance, ptsd and intrusive thinking. Finding these so helpful. Have to do the work. I'm gonna get passed this crap. I know I will. I am just sick of the shit that runs through my head. Goin to therapy on the 13th. A vacation would be great. Won't be able to even think of takin one though till the summer. Workin my butt off.
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