Post by Elementum on Nov 19, 2013 14:03:21 GMT
www.psychologytoday.com/blog/enlightened-living/200804/perspective-borderline-relationships
When talking about the Borderline relationship, the Non-reactive Non-BP is considered to be a person who interacts with the Borderline character, while not being drawn into, or engaging, the chaos of the disorder. The Reactive Non-BP, however, both interacts with the Borderline character, and engages the Borderline behavior. This often throws the person off-center, and promotes a kind of parallel emotional dysregulation within them. The Reactive relationship style breaks down into two distinct sub-styles; transpersonal, or the trans-Borderline, and counter-personal, or the counter-Borderline.
The trans-Borderline is an individual who engages the Borderline character, and is drawn only to the chaos of the disorder itself. Rather, than being directly affected, s/he is more apt to stay focused on "cleaning up" after the Borderline personality. This is something akin to the "caretaker/enabler" role found in alcoholic relationships. In both cases, this person is characteristically co-dependent, or set up to be co-dependent in that relationship. S/he acts as enabler, or agent, or both.
The counter-Borderline, on the other hand, not only reacts to and integrates the Borderline style, but "reflects" it, as well. This individual is the most negatively affected by his/her relationship to the Borderline personality. Very often, this person will begin to behave in a manner very similar to a person with a Borderline personality. This type of relationship is very treacherous and, when talking about chaotic relationships with Borderline personalities, this is the sort of situation to which most people are referring. This type of relationship often leaves the Non-BP questioning his/her own sanity, and the "emotional hangover" of such a relationship can take a considerable amount of time from which to recover.
Randi Kreger
As the owner of my own Psychology Today blog about high conflict people (including those with borderline personality disorder) I have some feedback about your categories.
First, though, let me sum up the way you categorize family and friends of people with BPD (non-BPs):
1. Those not drawn into the chaos of the disorder.
Of those non-BPs who do react to the disorder, they fall into two categories:
2. "Trans-Borderlines," who are drawn to the chaos and are caretakers/enablers, similar to the dynamic in alcoholic relationships.
3. "Counter-Borderlines," who behave in a borderline manner, question their own sanity, and take a considerable amount of time from which to recover.
My observations here are based on observing several thousand members of my online family support group community Welcome to Oz: I will limit my comments to partners here because I think that's what your categories are referring to. Blood relatives are an entirely separate topic.
I have yet to find a partner who has not been drawn in to the chaos of the disorder. The only questions are how drawn in do they become, and in what way?
Those who are drawn in the least are partners who have healthy self-esteem and have good role models. They may spend a few months or years in the relationship, seek help, learn about BPD, realize their partner is in denial and is not going to change, and exit the relationship. They still have periods of questioning their own sanity, but they generally aren't rescuers. They're not attracted to drama.
Those who are drawn in the most are male partners with a fragile self-esteem who often have role models with unhealthy relationships. Frequently, they are the oldest child or have had too much responsibility put on them too early.
Because of their low-self esteem, the "up" side of splitting seen in the typical courtship period is strongly reinforcing. They feel loved and looked up to in a way they never have been before. That pull is strong and is reinforced during brief periods when their borderline partner splits them good again or expresses emotional pain.
When the borderline partner has outward signs of emotional distress, the caretaker/rescuer part of the non-BP clicks in, again reinforced by intermittent good times. The men seem almost obsessed with thoughts of getting back those early days when their partner put them on a pedestal.
Rescuing makes them feel important. Some of these non-BP partners are actually attracted to the chaos, the ride on the roller-coaster, and feel a void if the relationship ends.
Women with borderline men partners are another story. The borderline male partners are almost always comorbid with narcissistic personality disorder and act in a controlling way. Substance abuse and use of pornography are common. I don't see a lot of the rescuing here.
These, of course, are very broad brushes and there is some stereotyping here. A full discussion would take a long time.
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The last bit would be of interest to me though...very interesting write up.
When talking about the Borderline relationship, the Non-reactive Non-BP is considered to be a person who interacts with the Borderline character, while not being drawn into, or engaging, the chaos of the disorder. The Reactive Non-BP, however, both interacts with the Borderline character, and engages the Borderline behavior. This often throws the person off-center, and promotes a kind of parallel emotional dysregulation within them. The Reactive relationship style breaks down into two distinct sub-styles; transpersonal, or the trans-Borderline, and counter-personal, or the counter-Borderline.
The trans-Borderline is an individual who engages the Borderline character, and is drawn only to the chaos of the disorder itself. Rather, than being directly affected, s/he is more apt to stay focused on "cleaning up" after the Borderline personality. This is something akin to the "caretaker/enabler" role found in alcoholic relationships. In both cases, this person is characteristically co-dependent, or set up to be co-dependent in that relationship. S/he acts as enabler, or agent, or both.
The counter-Borderline, on the other hand, not only reacts to and integrates the Borderline style, but "reflects" it, as well. This individual is the most negatively affected by his/her relationship to the Borderline personality. Very often, this person will begin to behave in a manner very similar to a person with a Borderline personality. This type of relationship is very treacherous and, when talking about chaotic relationships with Borderline personalities, this is the sort of situation to which most people are referring. This type of relationship often leaves the Non-BP questioning his/her own sanity, and the "emotional hangover" of such a relationship can take a considerable amount of time from which to recover.
Randi Kreger
As the owner of my own Psychology Today blog about high conflict people (including those with borderline personality disorder) I have some feedback about your categories.
First, though, let me sum up the way you categorize family and friends of people with BPD (non-BPs):
1. Those not drawn into the chaos of the disorder.
Of those non-BPs who do react to the disorder, they fall into two categories:
2. "Trans-Borderlines," who are drawn to the chaos and are caretakers/enablers, similar to the dynamic in alcoholic relationships.
3. "Counter-Borderlines," who behave in a borderline manner, question their own sanity, and take a considerable amount of time from which to recover.
My observations here are based on observing several thousand members of my online family support group community Welcome to Oz: I will limit my comments to partners here because I think that's what your categories are referring to. Blood relatives are an entirely separate topic.
I have yet to find a partner who has not been drawn in to the chaos of the disorder. The only questions are how drawn in do they become, and in what way?
Those who are drawn in the least are partners who have healthy self-esteem and have good role models. They may spend a few months or years in the relationship, seek help, learn about BPD, realize their partner is in denial and is not going to change, and exit the relationship. They still have periods of questioning their own sanity, but they generally aren't rescuers. They're not attracted to drama.
Those who are drawn in the most are male partners with a fragile self-esteem who often have role models with unhealthy relationships. Frequently, they are the oldest child or have had too much responsibility put on them too early.
Because of their low-self esteem, the "up" side of splitting seen in the typical courtship period is strongly reinforcing. They feel loved and looked up to in a way they never have been before. That pull is strong and is reinforced during brief periods when their borderline partner splits them good again or expresses emotional pain.
When the borderline partner has outward signs of emotional distress, the caretaker/rescuer part of the non-BP clicks in, again reinforced by intermittent good times. The men seem almost obsessed with thoughts of getting back those early days when their partner put them on a pedestal.
Rescuing makes them feel important. Some of these non-BP partners are actually attracted to the chaos, the ride on the roller-coaster, and feel a void if the relationship ends.
Women with borderline men partners are another story. The borderline male partners are almost always comorbid with narcissistic personality disorder and act in a controlling way. Substance abuse and use of pornography are common. I don't see a lot of the rescuing here.
These, of course, are very broad brushes and there is some stereotyping here. A full discussion would take a long time.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The last bit would be of interest to me though...very interesting write up.
