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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Nov 19, 2013 3:24:58 GMT
Is it possible to love someone, hate them and be indifferent at the same time? I think I'm bordering on something like that. I love my husband but I also hate him and I am indifferent to a lot of his bullshit.
I love the part of him that I know can be sweet, compassionate and affectionate, I hate the rest of his personality and I am indifferent to some of his PD bullshit or is it that I am just willing to overlook it? I'm not exactly sure yet. I find myself wanting to run as far as I can and hide but then I stop because a small part of my heart tugs at me. I hate myself for being so gullible, indecisive and soft. Ugh! Why can't I just give up and walk away?
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Post by Elementum on Nov 19, 2013 3:59:04 GMT
Good one. Hate. That I don't feel, more like pity. Lack of respect. How to hate ? Anger about stuff, that I can feel, but hate? More like disgust for some of the behaviors.
Love ? I think now is more appreciation for the aspects of his character that are good. He is not "all" bad. Or we would not have become involved with them in the first place. The good qualities remain, albeit eclipsed by the BS.
Indifference? That's detachment from the BS and Acceptance of the Reality that there is not a meeting of the minds or hearts in any consistent manner.
Maybe it's habit? A sense of Obligation? Don't know.
I am walking though, still waiting for the case #. Lawyer got back to me today. Jurisdiction is the problem, so he is at the court to push it along and get me a damn case number. Stbx is in denial and the Red Pill is going to hurt for him.
Focus on the Future without him in it. Focus on the SHIT he has pulled on you. Forgive once, the first time, not the second time and forget nothing. Sounds so cold, but it's a pretty effective way to force my ass out permanently. I deserve a whole lot better than this. So do you ((((ER))))
I am no one's whipping post , emotional toilet bowl, validation machine nor mental health nurse. Shitty job and not one I signed up for when I took my wedding vows.
And....don't forget all the abuse, I could write books on that shit. Why stay married? Pretend it didn't happen? Pretend it had no effect on me/ you the marriage? Really? Bull shit.
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Nov 19, 2013 7:26:41 GMT
I think for me it is the lack of control over my own life. I am so bogged down in the muck and the mire that I can't see the way out. I'm going to do at least one thing for myself that I struggle with the most, lose weight. I have struggled with my weight since I was 13 years old and it has always been an uphill battle for me. I think if I can find a way to control ONE aspect of my life then I will find the determination and confidence to take control of the rest.
I hate myself for getting stuck, being stupid, gullible, so lacking, so desperate to be loved that I settled for a lie and a liar. I want a man who is not afraid of life. I'm married to a fucking chicken shit, he's so damned afraid to live that he drags everyone into his deep black abyss of fear with him and his fucking mother is even worse!
They are the 2 MOST negative people I have ever encountered in my entire life and I have allowed them to take me down with them. I was thinking to myself today that there was a time that I could feel all of the emotions God gave us and now after 2 decades with them I feel nothing but anger, resentment and hatred. That is not me, sure, I was a very angry person when I met my H but I was not jaded and cynical. He and his mother have made me that way and I resolve to change that too.
I don't want to live in the dark anymore, I don't want to dwell on the shoulda, coulda, woulda's anymore. I have lost one dream I refuse to lose anymore. I was talking to his mother the other night telling her how I am TRYING to improve my credit because I want to buy a house in a couple of years and how I had been approved for a credit card recently. She called me stupid and launched into a lecture about how I will never get my credit straightened out in just a couple of years, how I'm making a big mistake because owning a home is a huge responsibility that she learned the hard way and that I'm not equipped for it and how credit cards are from the devil and will fuck up my life like they did hers.
Granted, there were circumstances beyond her control that led to her losing her house BUT as far as credit card debt THAT is HER fault. She blames it on me because I was in a car accident that basically ended my career. SHE chose to steal $30,000 from her best friends trust to help us keep our heads above water, I had no idea she did that. It was HER choice to use her credit cards to help us through as well and now she harps and preaches how she will NEVER allow anyone else to take advantage of her like we did. FUCK HER! Those were HER choices!! Just because someone asks or just because you know their circumstances does NOT obligate you to take care of them!! Am I going to turn down the help? Fuck no, I'm not stupid but don't blame me for YOUR choices! I have no fucking clue what your finances are and if YOU choose to spend your last dime to help me that is YOUR fault so fuck off and die and take your stupid son with you!!! I AM NOT YOU!!!!!!
AND, I am so sick of her fucking son I could spit ten penny nails!!!
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Post by Elementum on Nov 19, 2013 8:31:47 GMT
Sneaky sneaky huggie..  Good plan. It is really about personal control over life circumstances. If losing weight is your goal, then go for it. It's a lifestyle change though. Not a diet. And a habit. You decide what defines success for you as well. Weight loss and maintenance is pretty easy once it is a habit. Don't even think about it. Can understand that. Stbx not afraid of life though, but incapable of self control. Re:' Jaded and Cynical? Hellooooo...yeah. I was jaded a tad, but not quite like now. Anger? Kind of done with that for the most part unless given a good reason. And have had plenty..LOL You too. Your MIL is something else. Would drive me bonkers to deal with his FOO. Fortunately, I have not had the misfortune on that score. Don't have to live in the dark. Just get rid of the dead weight in your life that is sucking the life out of you. You know that. You can do it too. It's a bad habit and hard habit to break after the years of BS, but have to break it anyways. Think about it: When was the last time you genuinely felt happy to be have him in your air space? Just him. No other reason? I can't remember that. And it's a simple thing. Simply being together was the joy. Not the event or whatever. MIL = IGNORE. She knows jack shit and is not your side for bringing you up in life. Quite the reverse. She needs to keep you down, to keep control. Ignore the cow. Get busy doing what you know needs to be done. You are really pissed off and with fine reason. Credit cards can be bad. But what your MIL did was her choice. Who the STEALS money to lend to someone in financial difficulty? It's nutz. She throws it at you and then you have GUILT and OBLIGATION thrown in for good measure. Agree with you as well. If she wanted to help, fine, it's your husband's Mudder who chose to do so, but to crap at you about your credit rating and try to undermine you. Bugger off biatch. And steal? The woman is nutz. |
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Nov 20, 2013 8:48:48 GMT
Yep, I'm pissed and it is all directly related to the fact that I have no control of my circumstances and no way to change them. I'm going to elaborate much more on this later today but right now I have a kitty that will NOT allow me to use the laptop because she is planted squarely in my arms and sound asleep lol. It gets a bit difficult to type  |
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Post by unicorn on Nov 20, 2013 21:36:36 GMT
I feel it. THe love, hate and indifference. I feel it a lot. I didn't put it together until now.
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Nov 21, 2013 6:28:29 GMT
It feels so complicated and chaotic. How can you love, hate and not care all at the same time? It's almost like nit picking the person apart. I just want someone as close to normal as I can get and it scares me to think that THIS is that normal.
I have been watching the tv series "Dexter" and I can so relate to him! If you don't know the show, it is about a Forensic Analyst named Dexter Morgan who works in the Miami Metro Homicide Division as a blood spatter analyst who also just happens to be a serial killer. NO! I am NOT a serial killer lol but I can closely relate to what Dexter goes through as he tries to navigate his way through life and relationships. His life was calm, controlled and uncomplicated...until he met Rita.
How in hell can ONE person turn your life inside out and flip it on it's head? Why do we allow people like that into our lives? What do we do about them when we have fallen ass over tea kettle in love with them EVEN THOUGH we know that we should RUN away as fast as we can? How do you "unlove" someone who really does deserve to be loved but does everything in their power to destroy you without even really knowing that they are doing it or why?!
What I really want I can never have and that is for my H to be normal and for us to be happy. I know that will never happen so I get lost in fantasies about how I will leave and create that life for myself, how I will meet someone and be loved and happy until the day I die. I know I will likely never leave him because I want him to be healthy and happy, he really does deserve that but, I also know that I can't make that happen for him. He has to want to feel better and do better and just BE better. He has to be willing to put forth the very hard work and effort it will take to be better. I guess he doesn't feel that he needs to be any better than he is now but I NEED him to be better. I know trying to nag, coerce, cajole, beg, force or threaten him into it is not going help either of us, it will only frustrate us both and make us resentful of each other. I wish he could see how much I have loved him all of these years, I wish he could feel how much I have loved him, I wish he could understand that I want HIM to be happy and healthy so I can be happy and healthy. I want to love him, I want to be married to him but, I know that the only way we can stay together is for him to seek the help he needs. I wish I could get him to see that he needs that help and to accept it but I just don't have any fight left in me.
You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.
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Post by Elementum on Nov 21, 2013 9:03:49 GMT
Mental trap we fall in to. There are things we can do, but are we willing to deal with the consequences.
1. Short term plan
2. Long term plan
A plan you need. Nursing school...? A job, all that. It adds up over time, and time it takes. For some it takes longer than others. But eventually, there is OUT. It feels so complicated and chaotic. Emotional reasoning...generally it's a mess. People do it all the time, look at the boards, it's not only a PD delight.
"I Looove him sooo much". Yeah...but he cheats on you, lies to you, manipulates etc. etc. and beats the dogs. *nice* what's to love about that?
Logic and Rational reasoning.
Trauma Bonding
Cognitive dissonance. <--- those 2 are not about love, they are about the chemical addiction in our brains.
Read the wiki blurb on Dexter, looks interesting. I may have a lot more in common with Dexter in some regards..lol Rita gets the shit end of the stick though.
Daz right, so the horse dies of thirst. Dumb horse.
Read over the garbage your H has done to you. Is that loving? No. Is it caring? No. Does he give a shit beyond himself and how you serve him as supply of some sort? No.
Don't know about you ER, but I cannot be around him. I can be polite, nice and all the usual, but just him around me, is a drain. The energy literally gets pulled out of me and takes days to feel "normal" . Years ago, was worse and long before I ever even knew about PD crap, I'd told him being around was like being around a psychic vampire as he sucked the life out of me. His eyes bulged...yeah..maybe wasn't first time he'd heard that. dunno..
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Nov 22, 2013 5:54:01 GMT
I'm just feeling hopeless these days. I feel trapped. I feel like I'm running in place. I feel angry, resentful and I want out. I have all of these thoughts, beliefs and people holding me down and I'm suffocating. I just want to be free so I can breathe again but I'm too afraid to open the door and that just makes me angrier and more resentful. I hate myself.
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Post by Elementum on Nov 22, 2013 8:36:13 GMT
HomeworkHating Self = Not allowed. Angry at self = OK. but then need to kick self in own Butt.  What's the plan? Need a plan. Where's da plan?
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Nov 23, 2013 11:33:38 GMT
Yeah I know, no hating self, need a plan. Can't help but REALLY DISLIKE self right now and my plan apparently went to shit so now need a Plan B.
I'm dealing with my first cold in 4 years so I can't brain right now. Have a headache, stuffy head, sore throat and feel blah. Slept 12 hours and want to go back to bed and sleep another 24. At 8:30 pm husband, who sleeps on average 12-14 hours, asked me when I planed to get up since I had gone to bed at 2:30 pm. I said I wanted to sleep til dawn or as close to dawn as possible to which he replied "Don't you think you've slept enough?" "You laid down at 2:30 pm and you need to feed the dogs and cats."...really? YOU of all people just told ME that I need to get up because I have slept long enough and the pets need to be fed? Yet YOU sleep all odd hours of the day and night, NEVER lift your fat fucking fingers to help me around the house, KNOW the animals need to be fed but bring your fat, sloppy ass to bed just to wake me up and tell me I've slept long enough?! FUCK YOU! I rolled my fat ass over and went right back to sleep, woke up at 3 am, rolled outta bed at 3:20 am, fed the dogs and the cats then fed myself, took some meds, got on the laptop and messed around a bit, this is my last stop. It is now 6:35 am and I am taking my fat ass back to bed.
Who the fuck does he think he is telling ME that I have slept long enough and need to get up and take care of the pets?! HE who has worked a total of 1 year in our 20 year marriage, who never lifts a fucking finger to help without having to be badgered, who spends money like it grows on trees and can't give a shit if the fucking bills get paid or we eat, who would rather spend all of his time jacking off with his friends than to spend time with me and help me with this dump we live in. I hate that man more every day. Why I beat the shit out of myself emotionally over him is beyond comprehension. I must be the dumbest, most pathetic bitch that ever lived. God help me!! Get me out of here!! Show me a way because I am lost and can't see the way out!! Just point me in the right direction and I'll do all the work to make it happen!! UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!
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Post by Elementum on Nov 23, 2013 12:22:47 GMT
((((ER))))
Your frustration is loud and clear. You know what he is and cannot unsee that. And don't know about you, but being around the PD craziness and self centeredness just sucks the life right out of me. Probably the only thing that kept me going was having a plan and staying on track. Otherwise? I think I'd have lost it.
A Plan, is what you need, the basics to sustain life in some modicum of normalcy and comfort. Too many wind up going back to their abusers because they did not have that sorted before hand. Children often caught in that trap as well. You don't have that fear, but you have your critters to take care of.
If he attacks you, he can get tossed out of the house in the USA is my guess. So, need to see what your rights are. ABR= always be recording. Threatening you is also not allowed.
You have been hammering yourself emotionally over guilt and empathy for him, but...it doesn't help you. BTDT. He knows he has problems and does nothing about them. It's all on your head and it will not change. Want to spend the rest of your life like that knowing it doesn't have to be that way?
Was my T that asked me to create the plans. 2 of them. Short and Long term. Long before, my GF was the same about Plans. Have a plan, follow through. Each little victory along the way and you see the light at the end of the tunnel shines brighter.
Being sick doesn't help with focusing on anything that is for sure, but hope you can kick this cold soon. Take care of yourself and Sleep or whatever you need to do to get well. Him bugging you when you are down is typical. Just so typical. Egh.
There is ALWAYS a way out. But sometimes it takes time. Without a plan? It takes much much longer and drives a person bonkers without a dead line in sight. For myself at any rate it is so. I'd had to extend at one point, and then at the other I forced it all forward...now? 6 months off schedule but still going forward. Now he is stalling. Yours will STALL till the end of time. It's all on your shoulders to get the plan in gear ER. It's up to you. You can do it and you know what you need to do, but the first thing, is to simply START.
(((((ER)))))
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Nov 24, 2013 9:42:16 GMT
Okay, feeling a little better physically than I have for the last cpl days but then 36 hours of sleep in 2 days probably helped some lol.
Yep, you're right I need plans and I'm thinking of ways out every day and all day long. Right now I'm just trying to get through the holidays and then I'll start fresh for the new year. I need a break from thinking anyway because the chaos in my head is manifesting in my physical world. Once I get things organized outside of my head I can get things clear in my brain.
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Post by Elementum on Nov 24, 2013 13:18:40 GMT
Understand what you mean. Sometimes just have to throw the machine into neutral and coast. Unfortunately holiday seasons with pwBPD turn into mine fields of gargantuan proportions, so I am hoping he will be heading back for that. Horrible I know, but that's the joys of a PD/ Non marriage. Eeesh.  |
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Post by Eleanor Rigby on Nov 25, 2013 1:43:10 GMT
Holidays are absolutely the most miserable time of year with my H, birthdays and anniversaries are just as bad. I still have a birthday card from 2 years ago he gave me that I have never opened because he showed his everloving ass that day and then went out and bought me a card. When he got home he basically threw it at me and said "Here, happy birthday" I just chucked the fucker in my sewing box and have never opened it.
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