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Post by freetobeme63 on Jul 12, 2013 2:41:56 GMT
So I am sittin outside havin a lemondrop (lemonade mix with a shot & half of vodka) just mindin my own business. I was on the phone with my brother laughin it up about last weekend dancin (I can still go low to the ground and some of them folks couldnt make it that far). Anyway this awesome lookin driller man (something comparable to those cuties on Black Gold) was starin at me and smilin. I left the immediate area and went and talked to my brother a little longer. This same cutie (35 -40 years) saw me headed to my room and asked me if I was married. I told him ABSOLUTELY NO and he asked me if I wanted to go party tonight. UH I was caught off guard and just laughed and asked where they (he was with others who had been standin outside) was goin tonight. He said to HELL IF THEY DON'T START ACTIN RIGHT. No I wasn't goin partyin with a young buck under 40 years but damn that felt good. I still got it goin on. LMAO. Hell yah that felt good. Sorry but wish that ex bpd/npd could have heard that and seen the soooooooooo hot hot hot kinda man that asked me to go party with him. Yall that guy was even blowin me kisses. He gotta be from deep south to be boldly flirtin like that. Anyway like I said that felt good. My EGO needed that little burst of excitement and ecourgagement!!!! Im gonna sleep extra pleasant tonight yall. |
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Post by freetobeme63 on Jul 12, 2013 3:14:12 GMT
UNSENT LETTER TO THAT JERK:
I know I might be wrong at laughin at you right now, but to hell with it. You know that time you said I was ugly and then later started workin on makin me feel ugly and worthless in so many other ways. You know what I am talkin about. You know the time last year when you denied me intimacy for 7 months and fed me so many excuses why you couldn't perform (all boiled down to you claimin your stomach hurt everytime I was home, or we were arguin even though I did my best to keep the peace and so didn't even bring the matter up and lets not forget you also made the statement you just werent thinkin about sex at all but yet and still it was my fault). Everytime I tried to gently bring up the subject you said "Oh I guess you been thinkin again" and threatened to leave. I wish I had told you straight up to get the hell out and never come back. I wish I had told you that all the drama and crap you brought into my life was over just as I was over with you cause you didn't deserve me. I am a lovin, carin, goodhearted and good natured woman. I trusted you. You didn't deserve me. I don't care what anyone else thinks about this but I tell you now I did not deserve all that crap you said and did to me. I treated you with respect you so did not deserve. I gave you every once of my heart you so did not deserve. I opened myself up to you completely and you so did not deserve that kind of trust. It will never happend again.
I know you don't care but I do because I do feel good about this one damn thing. Goin through all the crap and listenin to all your lies and dealin with all your abuse is gonna benefit me more than you. I know how to treat people. I know how to love deeply and give with my all, but I have learned many things from this episode of your abuse in my life. One thing I will do much better is watch who I let into my life. Another is that OMG I will so recognize MR. Right when he presents himself to me and everything that I tried to give to you I will give to him even more fully and deeply even more to the bottom of my ever being. He will be the one who will benefit from what I have to offer and I will benefit also because I will obtain from him everything (absolutely everything) that you could not give (heart felt love, commitment, truth, compassion, respect and family experiences). I am almost there. Let me tell you. I can feel it.
I have been studyin, I have been learnin and takin in all I can. I have been livin my life in the good and bad moments and feelin the pain but I have also been feelin all the good and lovin every minute of it because God knows I will be the one comin out on the otherside stronger than ever livin in truth and bein FREETOBEME. You keep livin in your world of abuse, lies and manipulation. You will be but a distant memory before long but a very damn good lesson learned. I can't wait to see the day when I wake up lighthearted and feelin so free in every way. I feel it comin.
Oh by the way, I was sittin outside this evenin havin a lemondrop (lemonade mix with a shot & half of vodka) just mindin my own business. I was on the phone with my brother laughin it up about last weekend dancin (I can still go low to the ground and some of them folks my age couldnt make it that far). Anyway this awesome lookin driller man was starin at me and smilin. I left the immediate area and went and talked to my brother a little longer (you know cause I'm a little shy). This same cutie (35 -40 years) saw me headed to my room and asked me if I was married. I told him ABSOLUTELY NO (I know I said it a little boldly but hell I am sick of you and thankful we never made it to the pulpit even after 8 years in that hell) and he asked me if I wanted to go party tonight. UH I was caught off guard and just laughed and asked where they (he was with others who had been standin outside) was goin tonight. He said to HELL IF THEY DON'T START ACTIN RIGHT. No I wasn't goin partyin with a young buck under 40 years (but I could have LOL) but damn that felt good. I still got it goin on. LMAO. Hell yah that felt good. Sorry but wish you could have heard that and seen the soooooooooo hot hot hot kinda man that asked me to go party with him. Hell that guy was even blowin me kisses as I was walkin away. He gotta be from deep south to be boldly flirtin like that (No way he was from your neck of the woods ex bpd/npd). Anyway like I said that felt good. My EGO needed that little burst of excitement and ecourgagement!!!! But yah I STILL GOT IT GOIN ON!!!!!!!!Im gonna sleep extra pleasant tonight.
Also thought you should know this to. HELL NO I AM NOT PININ OVER YOU. I AM SOOOOOOOO MUCH STRONGER AND HELL YES I HAVE BEEN DOIN SOME THINKIN AGAIN. I AM SO MUCH CLOSER TO OVER YOU THAN EVEN I KNEW. I AM FREETOBEME AND I AM NO DAMN LOSER!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT YOU ARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Post by maremma67 on Jul 23, 2013 5:07:06 GMT
Ahh I am so happy for you when I read this! It does boost the ego when the opposite sex still find you attractive. I was out front of the house re caulking the windows a few weeks back and had a car full of younger men slow down to whistle at me while I was working! LOL It did make me giggle to myself I must say. I guess I am not as old and used up as I thought I was huh? LOL
I am glad that you also were afforded this affirmation too.
I am also glad you feel comfortable enough here to vent the negative emotions that are coming back up in you.
You know it is good that you are able to recognize all the things in him that you do NOT want in the next man. Now we need to REALLY take the time to really think it over about what we DO want in another man. Give ourselves the time to really consider all these things and then NOT settle for anything less.
You know I actually joined an online dating service not so much because I am actually even ready to start dating again but so I could just "look around" See all the different "types" of men out there. hear the kinds of things that they say and do. Help me to really consider what exactly it is that I do and don't want when I do decide I am ready to try this again.I read all the different profiles etc. Look at all the different things they post and then sit and think about it for a while.Is that something I would want to be doing? Is that something I would be comfortable with? Is that something I want in my life? It is helping me to make my yes and no lists in what I really want and don't want out of my next relationship.
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Post by freetobeme63 on Jul 24, 2013 22:52:44 GMT
Yes Maremma67 I do feel good after gettin all that junk out. I feel even better about the fact that I was able to enjoy a little aprreciation from those guys. He was a real cutie to. I know what you mean there. It sure feels good to know you still got it...Yes one thing I want most in a man is truth. Another will be compassion and a gentleness towards me. I want to be really comfortable to totally open back up to a man without worryin about whether it will be thrown back in my face to hurt me. I sure as hell don't want to be a mans meal ticket. He has to be responsible and keep a job. This is just the beginnin of my list. I'm workin on it.
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