Post by Elementum on Nov 8, 2013 4:02:45 GMT
Reading the boards and the pain of the non partners, really mind blowing. Having hiked in similar boots it's a brutal trip down memory lane. Have known about BPD disorder 5 years and lived with uBPDh. Researched the hell out of it. Watching the whole thing unfold from a place of detachment after the 1st year and 2 nd year and cleaning up my side of the street. Was messy no doubt. And now? It's dead peaceful around here. More like a grave yard. Was expecting all sorts of nastiness and ready for it. But there is none. It's like the divorce papers cut the hold of "ownership" and Zero. Has to be the extremes with this damn disorder. ALL or NONE. But the all is both the chaos and the intense "love"/ need. Whatever it really is. I can crawl around the BPD matrix with great ease and pull it apart, but I won't. Look at the Actions. Leave it at that. Base my reactions on what is clearly in front of me. Living in fear of the "what might be" happening in the background only runs me jagged.
From his perspective, it's a great solution. The pawn on the board was me. Shitty game though. My walls are incredible though. aka Boundaries. He's not been needling at me either. 24 hrs free of that. See how long it lasts though. In a game of Chinese chess even the lowly soldier once it crosses the river can win the game. But Life and Love was not supposed to be a game. And there are only losers on either side. Still, his walls of denial are beyond anything I have ever witnessed.
So bizarre.
Take the long view back, and you know what? I was right. I was right to fight back. Ok, maybe legally not, but in the end? Yes. Stand or fall, doesn't matter, but that you stand up for yourself was all that fundamentally really mattered. I fell many times. But I didn't stop fighting. I did change my tactics though.
"Walk Away" well..that's not so easy. DO what you must to get away. There are no rules when it comes to Self Preservation and somebody is trying to kill you. Forget about it. Take care of #1. You must. If you don't fight for yourself? Who will?
Mangled but not broken. After this crap? I'm allowed a flea or three...Freedom Fleas.
The proper nourishment of the Freedom Flea is Self Love. Narcy? No. Necessary. "Failure is not an Option" with that one.
Mind, Body, Spirit. <---- Listen to the core.
BPD will mess with your head, and then the body goes as well if you don't take care. Keep the body fit and maintained [ the meat wagon] it will affect the mind. Clarity and focus and you can feel the spirit/ core. Don't allow the spirit to get hammered. Honor yourself.
Simple stuff. But it's also really hard. But gets really easy with a little Self Love.
My craptacular philosophizing for the day.
From his perspective, it's a great solution. The pawn on the board was me. Shitty game though. My walls are incredible though. aka Boundaries. He's not been needling at me either. 24 hrs free of that. See how long it lasts though. In a game of Chinese chess even the lowly soldier once it crosses the river can win the game. But Life and Love was not supposed to be a game. And there are only losers on either side. Still, his walls of denial are beyond anything I have ever witnessed.
So bizarre.
Take the long view back, and you know what? I was right. I was right to fight back. Ok, maybe legally not, but in the end? Yes. Stand or fall, doesn't matter, but that you stand up for yourself was all that fundamentally really mattered. I fell many times. But I didn't stop fighting. I did change my tactics though.
"Walk Away" well..that's not so easy. DO what you must to get away. There are no rules when it comes to Self Preservation and somebody is trying to kill you. Forget about it. Take care of #1. You must. If you don't fight for yourself? Who will?
Mangled but not broken. After this crap? I'm allowed a flea or three...Freedom Fleas.
The proper nourishment of the Freedom Flea is Self Love. Narcy? No. Necessary. "Failure is not an Option" with that one.
Mind, Body, Spirit. <---- Listen to the core.
BPD will mess with your head, and then the body goes as well if you don't take care. Keep the body fit and maintained [ the meat wagon] it will affect the mind. Clarity and focus and you can feel the spirit/ core. Don't allow the spirit to get hammered. Honor yourself.
Simple stuff. But it's also really hard. But gets really easy with a little Self Love.
My craptacular philosophizing for the day.
